Page 182 of Only With You

My brain is rioting, because I’m going against everything I’ve done to protect myself, but to hell with it. I can’t ignore the facts anymore.

“No.” I shut the door and face her.

“No?” Her jaw flexes and her hands fist at her sides like she’s getting ready to argue with me but shakes her head stiffly and harshly breathes. “I’m not doing this. Get out!”

“I’m in too deep!” The words leave my mouth with a sudden force, it almost takes the little bit of air left in me with them. Brushing my hands along my chain, I ground myself as I think of what makes me feel my best, but I don’t have to think of it when she’s standing right in front of me.

Dropping my hand, I inhale a deep breath to steady my thundering heart, but it has the opposite effect, and beats faster than before.

Oh, fuck it.

“I’m in too deep, Julianna. Too fucking deep, that this”—I point at my chest, fisting my shirt close to my heart because it feels like it’s close to collapsing—“this doesn’t feel like mine! This goes manic when I’m around you. When I think about you. When I hear your voice. God, when I hear your voice, I fucking forget my own name. I forget it all, because when I hear it, when I hearyou, it all disappears because nothing else matters. Nothing else exists!”

She gawks at me in disbelief, eyebrows arched high, and lips parted in a small O. Her cheeks burn, but she doesn’t say anything or steps back when I approach her.

“There is nofindingfunwith anyone else. I’m sorry I worded it that way. I’m sorry I made you believe it was just fun, because it’s been much more than that for me. I wish I could tell you when it becamemore. I wish I could tell you when I fell so hard. I really wish I could, but I can’t. What I can tell you is that for the first time, falling doesn’t seem so bad if it’sonly with you.”

I pause, standing in front of her, and close the gap between us, encasing all of the electricity in a bubble of our own as I cup her neck and tilt her head back. Her eyes bore into mine, searing and searching, but still, she says nothing. I only hear the hitch in her breath and feel her rapid pulse beneath the pads of my fingers.

“I’m falling for you every day, but I’ve also never felt more balanced, because you make me feel it in this unsteady world. I don’t know how you manage to make me fall and feel secure, but you do, Julianna. And it pains me to admit that, not because I don’t want you to know, but because it scares me.”

My breathing becomes shaky as those words hurriedly tumble out of my mouth. My mind is screaming at me to shut up, to pull back, to force everything that I’m feeling away because this isn’t the plan, but I can’t.

“Why does it scare you?” she asks, her voice low, almost inaudible.

“Because admitting it out loud means I’m attached, and if I’m attached…it means there’s a chance someone will leave, someone will walk away, someone will die, and once they do…it’ll hurt.” I grind the back of my teeth, feeling the stabbing ache in my chest again.

I push through pain because there’s no going back. I’ve bared myself to her, let her see the fear, and I can’t take it back. Even if I could, I don’t want to, not with her.

Her lips and chin tremble. “You shouldn’t be scared.”

“No, I shouldn’t be, but I’m not good with words, and I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing and fuck it all up. I’m afraid, because the last thing I want is to lose someone I never had to begin with.”

My spine becomes rigid as a lone tear trickles down her cheek. I try to assess where I went wrong, what I could have said to mess it all up.

Dropping my hands, I take a step back, raking my shaky fingers through my hair.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.” I panic when another rolls down, followed by another. “I’m sorry. I just needed to tell you that I like you a lot. Life with you has been brighter, it’s been easier to breathe, and more fun to live. I just needed you to know. I’m sorry I upset you. I swear that was the last thing I ever wanted to do.”

A voice in my ear yells for me to reach out to her as she cries, but I stand paralyzed in my spot.

“Julianna, I?—”

My words get cut short when she wipes the tears and wraps her arms around me.

“No, please don’t be sorry. Please don’t.” Her voice cracks and becomes muffled as she buries her face against my chest and sobs. “I’m sorry…” She sniffles, body trembling against mine. “I’m sorry.”

My chest aches with an unsettling weight, but it becomes heavier at the pained sobs that wrack her and the way she clutches my shirt at the back.

“Hey.” I embrace her, my arms firmly threaded around her body. “Breathe, Love, breathe.” I gently rub her back but to no avail, she continues, so I let her while whispering, “I’m right here,” and “I’m not going anywhere.”

I’m not sure how long we stand here, but after a few moments, she calms down, and her soft hiccups and sniffles fill the space between us.

“I’m sorry,” she croaks, wrenching away from me. She furiously wipes the tears that cling to her chin and the ones still soaking her cheeks. And cringes as she wipes under her nose. “I’m sorry, you weren’t supposed to see this.” Her voice cracks, red puffy eyes well again, and her bottom lip wobbles. “You might want to reconsider what you just said, because I’m not—I won’t be enough.” She steps back, hugging herself, making herself be small.

“Julianna.” I close the space between us, circling an arm around her back, and tip her chin up. Her expression is wistful, electric sapphire eyes doleful. “Nothing you say or do will make me reconsider what I just said. I meant every word and I stand by it. A few tears aren’t going to prevent me from feeling the way that I do. You can cry and shout, but nothing will change the way I feel for you. Because I look forward to seeing what’s going to happen next, you keep me wanting more, needing more. Everything you dois enough, though sometimes I feel like I can’t get enough of you. Sometimes, I’m so overwhelmed by you I forget how to think.”

I cup her neck with both hands, wiping away tears that cling to her cheeks.

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