Page 199 of Only With You

She jumps in her spot, dropping the hangers she’s holding.

“You’re leaving?” I ask again, my voice deeper than before, my heart pounding so fast, it sounds near-deafening.

“Yes, but it’s not what you think.”

“Not what I think? I’ve hardly spoken to you all day and then I find you packing? What am I not supposed to think?” I swallow hard, preparing for the worst. “Do you want to break up? Is that why you texted me to come over?”

Her brows rise high, then pull together, staring at me, confused. “No, I don’t want to break up.”

“Oh. I-I…” I lick my lips, my teeth clatter, and something wet hits my cheek. “I just thought—” My chest grows heavier, making it hard to catch my breath. “You said—I thought you didn’t want to be with me anymore.” My shaky fingers wipe underneath my eye, but the tears don’t stop.

Why am I crying? This never happens and if it should happen, it shouldn’t be in front of her.

“Hey,” Julianna softly says, approaches me, and wraps her arms tightly around me, hugging me like her life depends on it. Holding me up as if she can see me drowning.

Maybe I am because I’m a mess, crumbling right in front of her. I swear I’m trying to keep it together, but the thoughts and tears won’t stop spiralling and spilling.

“They left and I thought you were leaving, too. I thought you didn’t want me because I have nothing to offer you. I didn’t have anything to offer them. I wasn’t enough to make John want me. I was less than alcohol, because my mum loved it more than me. I watched it become her whole life and take her, too. I was there when she died…I begged her to stay. I even bargained with death and asked it to take me instead. But that obviously didn’t work, because I’m here with you. Maybe I don’t deserve you either. Maybe I deserve to be alone. So if you don’t want to be with me, please tell me, don’t stay out of pity. Don’t stay if you don’t want to because I’m a mess. I’m so fucking broken, and I?—”

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere, Landon.” She sniffles and rubs her palm on my back, soothing the tension taking residence. “I’m sorry that you hadto go through that. I’m sorry you had to experience that. I’m so sorry Landon, and please don’t think I’m with you or saying that out of pity. I just want you to know that if I could, I’d take it all away. If I could, I’d make sure you’d never have to experience that. I know that I never will, but I just want you to know that I’ll spend the rest of my life making sure you feel how enough you are, how needed and wanted you are, and how loved you are, because I love you.”

I pull back, but she doesn’t let go. Her glassy eyes dilate and the sapphire of her irises looks electric, hypnotising me. Her lips rise into a breathtaking smile and her face glows.

I repeat the words in my head, but they sound distant.

“What?” I say almost breathless as she dries my cheeks with her hand.

“I love you and I love all of your parts. The messy, the broken, the unfiltered, I love them all. Nothing about you is going to stop or deter that intense and immense feeling from going away. And I really do hate to break it to you, but you’re stuck with me for life. Do with that information what you will, but I’m not going anywhere because I love you. So you and I, we’ll work together to mend it all.”

The words finally register in my brain and almost knock me off my feet. I feel too overwhelmed with it all, but all in a good way. Still, my brain wants to sabotage this moment because it feels like those too good to be true moments.

So I give her a chance, an out.

“I have a lot of issues. I’m working through them in therapy, but they’re a lot. Do you really want to deal with that, Julianna?”

“You’ve seen me at my worst and you stayed. I want to be here for you. You’ve been through a lot, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be loved or to be with anyone. I want to work through them with you. Please let me.”

So many emotions I’ve not experienced in years running rampant in my head. “Are you sure?”

“I’ve never been more sure.”

I haul her in, circling my arms around her, feeling like I’m breathing for the first time. “You love me?”

“I do,” she says against my chest. “Maybe it’s too fast, but I’m really sure.”

“I love you.”

The words sound so foreign leaving my mouth, but they feel so right. Just like everything about Julianna.

Kissing her forehead, I cup the side of her neck and tip her head back.

“I don’t think time should or needs to define when someone knows. There are people I’ve known all of my life, and none of them have ever made me feel the way you do in just a short amount of time.” I pause, gathering my thoughts. “I’m so absorbed in you, preoccupied with the thought that you exist, having you stand in front of me, that I genuinely forget to breathe. Sometimes, I zone out thinking about you because it feels surreal knowing that I know you. You know, at first I thought something plotted for us to meet, but now I’m certain we’ve always been tied to each other.”

She blinks her watery eyes. “How can you keep saying you’re not good with words? Lan, that’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.”

My intention wasn’t to be sweet, but to be honest, I’m grateful it came out that way.

“That’s how I feel, how you make me feel. Consumed and consistent, it’s like being in a house full of everything you could possibly want and need. And all that’s in it is you.” I wipe the stray tear streaking down her cheek with my thumb. “Because my home is wherever you are, and where you are is where I feel the most, where I feel it all.”

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