Page 116 of Only With You

Like a rewind button has been pressed, a flashback as if it happened just a second ago plays in my head.

“I just wanted him to stay! I was there. I was always there! Why was I not good enough?” Mum slurs her words, sobbing into her hand. The tears roll down her cheeks and soak her already wet shirt from the alcohol she accidentally spilled on herself.

I cautiously approach her, eyeing the bottle of whiskey in her hand. “Mum, it’s going to be okay. I’m here. We’ll work throu?—”

She bitterly laughs, wiping her tear-stained cheek with her forearm. “This isn’t about you! Matter of fact, you’re the reason he left. You’re the reason he left me!”

This isn’t the first time she’s said that, and by now, it should hurt less, but the hurt intensifies, yet I push through because this isn’t about me.

“Mum—”

“Enough, Landon!” she yells and hurls the bottle straight at me, but I duck just in time before it hits me.

I stand frozen, staring unblinking at the broken shards of glass on the floor. The brown liquid trickles down the wall and gathers on the floor in a puddle.

It’s not until she walks away and slams the door behind her that I snap out of it.

Blowing out a ragged breath, I bend down to pick up the mess.

“My mother was an alcoholic.”

“I’m—”

“Don’t apologise.” I set my pizza back down and grab a napkin to wipe my hands. “It’s not a big deal. It’s not something I go around telling anyone, but I told you I’d be honest with you.”

I expect words of pity or a sympathetic expression, but I get neither.

She tenderly smiles at me and places her hand on top of mine. Her soft hand squeezes mine; it’s gentle, but reassuring, and it grounds me.

“You didn’t have to, but thanks for sharing that with me. I promise anything you share with me stays between us.”

I raise my hands to my chain as Reid comes to mind. In every one of our meetings, he’s always been so insistent that if I can’t talk to him, that I talk to someone I can confide in.

I’ve considered talking to Jagger, or even Gabby and Polly, but they have their own shit going on. I don’t want to burden them, and it’s pointless to bring up things from the past that need to stay in the past.

But for some reason unbeknownst to me, I’m compelled to talk to her. I don’t know why. She’s never been someone I would even consider opening up to, but she’s here and she feels like a weighted blanket. Something—someoneI didn’t realise I needed.

I drop my hand from my chain, but I don’t let go of her hand. I think she’ll move hers, but she doesn’t. “Thanks.”

“You don’t have to thank me. I’m here, whenever you want to talk about anything. I’m here.”

She scoots a little closer to me and I somewhat push the box out of the way. We’re acutely aware of what we’re doing, and maybe this is where we should draw the line. We’ve already crossed a territory we shouldn’t have, but this is different.

“John, my father, left my mum for someone else, and she just…”Stop smiling! Just fucking stop! God, I can’t even look at you right now. You look just like him.“Checked out. Alcohol became her choice of therapy. Particularly whiskey. It was her favourite. And eventually, she died from…alcohol poisoning. So being around anyone who’s drunk makes me feel…”Please don’t die, Mum.“Anxious.”

It’s why I stayed with her two years ago and a few weeks ago. It’s why I watch over my friends when they drink, because what if something happens?

Julianna doesn’t say anything, but squeezes my hand and lays her head on my shoulder.

I inhale the scent of her sweet perfume, bask in the comfort she exudes, and for the first time, exhale a breath of relief. But it’s not just relief that I feel, but a little free, a little alive, a little okay.

She peers up at me, brows pinched. “Wait, if alcohol bothers you, why are you always around your friends who drink so much? Have you told them?”

I shrug, crossing my ankle over the other. “No, it’s pointless. I don’t want to be that person.”

“You’re not being that person. You’re setting boundaries. Oh my gosh.” She gapes, then winces as if she’s suddenly remembered something. “I was all over you that night you brought me home, and that night…two years ago. Oh, God, Landon. I’m so sorry.”

Halloween two years ago flashes in my mind.

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