Page 7 of A Father's Insistence

Chapter Four

Joanna

Achill in the air wakes me from my sleep. I pull the blanket farther over my shoulders and nestle down into the comfortable mattress. The sheets feel softer than the ones I’m used to, and the bed’s more comfortable, bigger even. Am I dreaming again? It feels so real though. If I had the courage, I would open my eyes and seek the truth, but I’m too scared of what I’ll find. As I start to move, one hand brushes against the other, and I freeze when I feel the ring on my left hand. The memories from yesterday are real…they aren’t a dream. I’m married to Theo Hamilton. I spring up into a sitting position in the bed and stare down at the antique wedding band on my ring finger. I’m married. Fuck! My head spins again. I didn’t die yesterday, but I did fail. Theo didn’t sleep with me. I’ll be in big trouble.

Looking frantically around the room, I search for a place to hide. If I can’t be found, then I can’t be punished. No, he’ll find me. I tried that once before and was beaten so badly my ribs were broken. But he can’t beat me, now, can he? Surely Theo will notice new injuries on my flesh? My head whirls around so fast with all the thoughts running through it. It’s like one of those roller coasters at the theme park where your stomach turns on every peak and fall.

Where is my husband? My brain stalls, rapidly braking to a standstill when the thought sparks alive. He should be here? Has he abandoned me already? I jump out of the bed and reach for a dressing gown that’s been placed over the back of a chair. Quickly wrapping it around my naked form, I search the room for signs he slept here with me, but there’s nothing. Not even discarded dirty laundry from the day before although I can’t remember much about what he was wearing, possibly a pair of jogging bottoms and a t-shirt. He’s left me already. The Viscount is going to be so angry with me. Maybe I didn’t die yesterday, but it’s likely I will today. Sorrow fills me up. I wish I could do something right—I’m forever making mistakes. I feel so tired again and crawling back into the bed, I pull the covers over my face. Hiding in plain sight. It’s the only option I have left until he comes for me.

I must drift off to sleep, at some point, because I’m woken a little while later to a crashing sound in the room. I jump out of bed and drop to my knees on the floor with my head bowed.

“I’m sorry.” Theo comes to stand before me. He offers me his hand, and I stare at it like it’s diseased. “I won’t hurt you. I just want to help you up. You don’t have to kneel for me.”

Tentatively, I reach out and taking his hand, he helps me to my feet.

“Did you sleep all right?” he asks, and I just stare at him blankly. This is far too normal. He should be beating me or forcing himself on me.

“Joanna? Is everything all right?”

“You didn’t come to bed.” I say, looking at the rumpled sheets where I’ve been lying, alone.

He points at a different door to the main one in the room. “This is an interconnecting room. I slept in there. I wanted to be near you should you need me, but I think you probably need space, for now.”

“N-No,” I stammer. “You should sleep with me. We are husband and wife. We need to make children.”

He laughs at me, and I can’t help but feel a little hurt.

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes and guides me back to sit on the bed. “I went to speak to my father last night. He told me about your treatment at the hands of the Cavendish brothers. I’m not the sort of husband who would force himself upon you. You need to heal both in body and mind, first.”

“But…” I start to interrupt him, and he places his finger over my lips to silence me. I don’t flinch at his touch.

“No. We’re going to return to London, in a few days. I don’t want to leave the estate alone for long. We’ll look into finding a psychiatrist and arranging further medical checks for you when we’re there. Then, we can discuss the fact we’re married. In the meantime, we’ll focus on your healing.”

I can’t answer him. Medical examinations and talking to someone about what I’ve been through fills me with a terror so great I’m lost for words.

“I’ve got to head out for a couple of hours. Stay here and rest. Have a nice long bath. Camilla will feed you whatever you want. Don’t have anything too rich. I think your stomach is still a little delicate. My father is downstairs if you are worried about anything.”

Bile rises in my throat at the mention of his father. Keeping down food, at the moment, isn’t going to happen. I just nod. Maybe the time alone will give me a chance to get everything straight in my head? Does Theo truly have no idea what’s happening right beneath his nose? I’d like to believe he’s foolish rather than compliant with his father’s deviances. He’s been nothing but kind to me, so far, and to have that illusion shattered would be the final straw to my sanity.

“Do you want me to run a bath for you before I go?” Theo asks as he picks up a set of keys from the dressing table. Is he going to lock me in the room? My eyes flash to the keys and back up to him. “For my car,” he reassures and turns his head toward the bathroom.

“Please. A bath would be good,” I tell him and slide from the bed. Following behind him as he walks confidently into the bathroom and turns the taps on, I can’t help but notice the way his backside fills out the jeans he’s wearing. It doesn’t mean I want him sexually. It just means I like the look of him. I can look—it’s normal. I can be normal.

“Joanna.” I startle when he appears in front of me. “I put some bubble-bath in. Are you sure you’ll be all right? I’ll send Camilla up to check on you in ten minutes.” He looks worried. He must be thinking I might drown myself in the bathtub. Little does he know, over the last year, I’ve had opportunities to kill myself, but I’ve not had the courage to carry it out. There’s something buried deep down inside of me that’s still fighting for life.

“I’ll be fine. I’ve not had a bath in a year. Just a shower. I’ll enjoy relaxing.”

“All right. I’ll be back as soon as I can. I’ll fetch you some clothes as well.” Theo leaves me alone in the bathroom, and the only noise is the gushing of the water from the tap. Padding across the marbled floor, I find a toothbrush and toothpaste laid out for me. I squeeze a little bit of the paste on the brush and clean my teeth. There is also mouthwash sitting on a shelf, and I gargle with that. For the first time in a year, I’ve had access to a decent toothbrush and paste, and my mouth feels clean and fresh. I stare at the girl in the mirror in front of me. She looks so very different to the one I remember staring back at me before. She looks older, a lot older, with dark shadows under her eyes, skin that’s sallow and pale, and a wild mop of frizzy hair on her head. I was an innocent girl the last time I looked in a mirror. I’m a woman now, and a victim. I stand staring until the mirror steams up, and I can no longer see my reflection. Turning around, I catch the bath just before it overflows. I turn the taps off and place a foot towel ready beside the bath, so I don’t slip when I get out. I lower my dressing gown to the floor and step into the almost scalding water. Sinking down into the bubbles, I shut my eyes and enjoy this moment of peace and normality. Who knew a bath could provide so much tranquility in a place of such chaos?

“I see you are already acting as lady of the manor.” The rough voice of the Viscount sounds from the doorway, and I sit bolt upright. I try desperately to reach for a towel. One part of my brain is telling me I need to get out of the bath and kneel before him, but the other is telling me I’m naked, and he’ll see everything. I’m conflicted. I preferred it when I didn’t question my training. I choose instead to twist in the bath and kneel for him. Thankfully the bubbles cover my breasts. The Viscount laughs. “I guess I’ll accept that.”

I don’t say anything back to him. You don’t speak unless questioned.

“What happened last night? Did my son take you?”

Not the question I wanted him to ask. I can’t lie to him. He’ll know. He always knows.

“No, sir. I slept alone. He was in the adjoining room.”

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