Page 13 of Tainted Reasoning

Chapter Five

William

“Why, Mum? Why did you have to leave me?” I place my hand against the weathered headstone of my mother’s grave. This is my place of calm, and it’s exactly where I need to be, following our meeting with Viscount Hamilton. I left Tamara sobbing in Victoria’s arms after learning that her mother knew what would happen to her friend. I can’t even begin to understand the betrayal they must both be feeling. But it’s Viscount Hamilton’s mention of Joanna that has left me feeling unable to control my oddities: my hand swipes every few seconds around my ear and then on top of my head. I can tell I’m particularly anxious because my tongue darts out as well, swiping around my lips. In the cold air, I can already feel the skin getting sore. I can’t stop my body’s natural reactions – they are a part of me, and until I can rid my mind of my concerns about Joanna, they will remain. Why can’t we find her? Nicholas and I have been searching everywhere we know the Viscount is linked to but have discovered nothing. It’s as though she’s vanished off the face of the Earth. Is she dead? No. Victoria insists her father told her Joanna was meant for her brother, but Theodore seems oblivious to the fact his father is hiding a poor girl somewhere. Maybe he’s also involved? I’m sure Tamara never expected her mother to have been aware of Victoria’s fate, let alone knowingly preparing her for it. The darkness we witnessed today is deep rooted and shows me Nicholas and I still have a long way to go to rid the world of the old Oakfield Society. There are still too many pockets hidden away, believing it’s right to treat women as objects, fit only for their sickening desires. My ancestors including my father created a place for the monsters who dwell in the shadows to flourish. I just hope Nicholas and I can shed enough sunlight to destroy them all.

“It’s so hard, Mama.” I stroke her gravestone again and collapse down into the wet grass. “Everything is so different. Just being outside here in the fresh air. I never knew it could be so clean…no stale odors or dust. Why did he do this to me? Am I really that different?”

I shut my eyes and allow a memory from my youth to enter my head.

“Nicholas, don’t be so stupid.” My father stands with his arms folded across his chest, looking down at my fourteen-year-old brother with a stern expression.

“But, Your Grace, it’s his birthday. Surely, he could join us for a little while. I’ll look after him. He can sit next to me,” Nicholas pleads.

“No.”

“But…” Nicholas pleads again, and I look on from the shadows through a peephole into my brother’s bedroom.

“If you ask me again, I will take him and lock him up in the tower just to shut you up.” My father pulls my brother toward him, using his superior weight and height to impose greater discipline. I wish Nicholas would stop asking for me to join them for dinner. I don’t mind that it’s my twelfth birthday. I’m perfectly happy up in my room. It’s quiet up there, and my brother brought me some new books to read today about all the different countries in the world. I’m beyond excited to start. He bought me a book of flags last year, and he takes great delight in trying to trip me up in naming them, but I know them all, even the obscure countries that nobody has ever really heard of such as Nauru, Benin, and Suriname. He even tried to fool me once by showing me the old flag for Venezuela, but luckily the book had shown me that as well. The books on countries will be amazing because I’ll be able to learn more about them, their populations, languages, and all those sorts of amazing facts and figures. My tutor thinks it’s a waste of time, but then he thinks it’s a waste of time for me to be taught anything when I don’t leave my room. It’s not as though I’ll ever be able to take any exams and gain qualifications, which I could use for a job in the future. My father says my job is just to behave and not embarrass him with my weird hand movements and inability to keep my mouth shut. I try so very hard not to say silly things, but I can’t help it. If a thought pops into my head, I tell myself to keep it to inside, but it’s as though there is a wire in my brain that isn’t correctly plugged in, and I can’t control the opening of my mouth and the words that come out.

All of a sudden, I’m brought out of my reflection when the door to the hidden passage I’m in is pulled open, and my father’s hand reaches in and hauls me out to stand next to my brother.

“You’re so strange you can’t even hide quietly because of all the stupid foot tapping and hitting of things you do.” He throws his hands up in the air. “Damn it, William, why do you have to be such an imbecile? You’re a freak of nature. A result of your mother’s addiction to drugs. I should have done us all a favor and had you terminated when I could have. But no, I wanted a spare in case anything happened to Nicholas and look how I was punished. The most stupid child in the world.”

“I’m sorry,” I mumble and try desperately to keep my hands and feet still, but I just can’t do it. My left foot lifts and taps three times in quick succession on the floor.

“Damn it, William. Stop it. You’re an intolerable embarrassment,” my father curses at me.

Nicholas drops to his knees and tries to hold my foot still. He looks up at me with so much worry on his face – no fourteen-year-old should ever have that expression.

“I’m trying, Your Grace. I really am.” My words catch in my throat with the effort I’m exerting, trying to keep still.

“It’s all your mother’s fault. You’re just like her. Why was I lumbered with her winning the trials? I could have had any of the other women, but no, I get the wife who gives me one belligerent son, and one son who’s a monster.”

My hand swipes around my head really quickly, and my father’s face reddens with so much anger that I know I’ve broken the last vestiges of his control.

He balls his fist and pulling it back, I feel the punch as he lands it hard on my face. His hands move to his belt, and I know what is coming next. He’s tried so many times to beat the ’wrong’ out of me. It never works, though. I’m what he says I am – a freakish monster. Nicholas is quick to his feet and blocks my father’s path to me.

“Your Grace, please. I’ll take him to his room. We’ll keep him secreted away for the night, so he doesn’t make an embarrassment of himself in front of your distinguished guests.”

“Out of the way, Nicholas,” my father scolds, and I see my brother go flying across the room. Before I have a chance to draw a breath, the biting leather of his belt cracks against the skin on my back. Even through the t-shirt I’m wearing, I can feel it burning my flesh. Nothing will stop my father now, until he’s satisfied there’s a chance that he’s beaten the ‘freak’ out of me. It never works, though. I’ll be back with my tics tomorrow, and there is nothing he can do about it. It’s who I am, and why would I ever try to fit in when I was born to stand out? This is my future, and with each lash of the belt, I accept it.

“William?” The voice of an angel breaks me out of my reflection, and I realize I’m curled up on the floor as I would have been all those years ago, protecting as much of my body from the beating as I could. “What’s wrong? Are you hurt?” Tamara appears at my side and instantly checks my forehead to see if I’ve a temperature.

“I’m alright.” I tell her and pull myself upright. “A memory…” Climbing up, I look down at the ground to try and calm my rapidly beating heart.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No…Honestly, it’s fine. How are you?” I question with genuine concern. She still looks tired, and the rims of her eyes are red from all the tears she’s shed. My heart’s still beating too quickly, but for another reason now. This one is an overwhelming need to protect the woman in front of me.

“You can talk to me,” she says, deflecting the question from herself and centering it back to me.

“I was remembering my father’s anger toward my quirks when I was a child. He used to beat me, thinking that maybe he could get rid of them that way. I was an embarrassment to him. It’s why he hid me away for so many years.”

“Your father was wrong. You’re not an embarrassment, but he was. He was a shameful example of a man, especially being in such a respected position, and Viscount Hamilton continues to remain so even now. The way they treat women and children is disgusting. Actually no, scrap that…the way they treat most other human beings is wrong. William, for you to be the man you are today, and to have saved Victoria and Nicholas the way you did, proves that you’ve survived your father. You’re stronger than everything he did to you. You suffered but came out on the other side, stronger. The way you carried me out of the Viscount’s house today is more evidence of that. Yes, you may be quirky at times, but that’s a part of you, and it makes me laugh. Please don’t try to hide it…I like it. Plus, it makes my best friend blush when you talk about her sex life.” Tamara giggles, and I can’t help but smile at the enthusiasm she’s exuding for me. Nicholas and, now, Victoria always support me in everything I do and who I am. Especially when I relax and don’t try to rigidly control everything to the point where I’m tying myself in knots and making myself sick in the process. Tamara sees the real me as well, which makes me happy and surprises me.

Pushing up onto my feet, I brush off a few leaves that have stuck to my trousers. The day has warmed up, and the grass, which was frosty this morning has dried, so my trousers are not soaked through, maybe a little damp but nothing uncomfortable.

“Thank you.” Taking Tamara’s hand, I offer her respect for the way she has spoken to me. I protected her earlier today, and she’s cared for me now. It’s strange – I may have only known her for a little over twenty-four hours, but I feel more relaxed around her than anyone else. Tucking her under the crook of my arm, we both look back to my mother’s gravestone.

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