Page 76 of Playmaker

Why am I surprised? Maddie has been a constant in my life even when she wasn’t in it. Even when I broke her heart, she was determined to find a way to mend me. Given how close she was to my mom, it shouldn’t be shocking that she’d try to do the same for her even after she passed. She’s always tried to fix things even when they’re not capable of being fixed.

I’m terrified of letting her down.

“You don’t have to say anything,” she whispers, tears tracking down her cheeks. “I saw firsthand what the disease can do.Whoit can take away in the blink of an eye. I’ve watched those I lo—” She snaps her mouth shut, but, fuck, I wish she’d say it. It’s good of her to keep the sentiment to herself because even though I want to, I’m not ready to say it back. Selfishly, I want to hear it spill from her lips that she loves me.

I’ve always known it, but it’d be another thing to hear it.

“This is my connection to her too,” she says, “so, I get what you mean. You lost your mom, and I lost a woman I looked up to immensely.” A mixture between a laugh and a sob escapes her. “She always thought so highly of me. It was a pressure in itself, and although I’ll never carry the amount of pain you do, I can understand it. A part of me holds on to who she thought I was. Nothing short of perfect. I don’t want to disappoint her, either, so I’ve tried my best to be perfect in everything I do. And it’s stupid, because I know she would be proud of me regardless, but it’s a fear I can’t shake.”

Wiping away her tears, I press my lips to her forehead. It never dawned on me that we’d have the same fear, and if only we had talked about this years ago, we could have been there for one another. “She loved you, Mads, and no matter what you choose to do with your life, I know she’s rooting for you every step of the way. A part of me thinks she was trying to set us up a long time ago.”

She lifts her watery eyes to mine. “Really?”

“Yeah.” I turn to stare off into the distance and clear my throat. “That’s why what we’re doing makes me nervous. It’s not that I haven’t always wanted to take this step with us, but if I fuck it up like I do witheverythinggood that comes into my life, it’s just another reason to make her disappointed in who I’ve become.”

“She could never be disappointed in you, Cam. She lovedyoumore than anything.”

“Well, she loved you more than anything, too, and if I wind up being the shittiest boyfriend at the end of this, then—”

“Boyfriend?”She cuts me off, staring up at me like a deer in headlights.

“I—” Knitting my brows together, I’m trying to determine what I said wrong. “Is that not what I am to you?”

“I didn’t . . . I mean, you didn’t specify. I thought—” She giggles, and the sound loosens the ball formed in my chest. “So, you’re my boyfriend?”

“Yes? Sorry, I’m confused here. Did you think we weren’t together? I called youmine, Maddie.”

“I know, but you said you wanted to take things slow, so I thought you meantmineas in just being exclusive until break ends.”

The dark, raspy laugh that fills the silence has her shivering against me. “Christ. Add communication to the things I need to work on.” Then I tug her onto my lap and pull her close until her lips hover above mine. “You’re mine, in every meaning of the word, Maddie Davis, and I don’t want to end this when break ends. I want to see where this goes.”

She smiles, that red lipstick of hers tempting me to smear it. “Okay, then, we’ll see where this goes.”

My eyes dip to her breasts, which are pushed up from the dress and in perfect view for me to admire, but for the first time in my entire existence, sex isn’t my top priority. I’ve never had a girl I’d prefer to sit and talk about life with rather than fool around with in the sheets, but tonight, I don’t have the urge to do anything other than enjoy this beautiful night with her.

“Have I ever mentioned how lucky I am?”

She smiles brightly, a faint pink tainting her cheeks. “No, but I like hearing it.”

“I’m lucky,” I repeat, pressing a kiss to her cheek before I proceed to kiss all over her face, my heart bursting with pride when she erupts into a fit of giggles. “I’m lucky, I’m lucky, I’m lucky.”

“Okay!” She gasps. Then, when she calms down, she runs a hand through my hair and says, “Even though you don’t think it, you’re a catch, Cameron, and I’m the luckiest woman alive to have you by my side. I’ll keep telling you that until you believe it, and after this conversation, I think your mom would be proud of both of us. I think she’d be overjoyed we decided to take this step together, and no matter what we choose to do with our lives, she’s going to be rooting for us, just like you said.”

The sentence is right on the tip of my tongue. Fuck, I want to say it. I want to shout it from the damn rooftops that I’m in love with her, but until our relationship is out in the open, I’m not going to add to her devastation if things can’t work once the secret of us being together is out.

As hard as it’ll be, I’m going to wait.

“I think so, too, baby.”

The cheesy grin she’s sporting is a sight I want to store to memory forever. “What?” I ask.

“That’s the first time you’ve called me baby without sex being involved.”

Huh.

The sentiment slipped out without me having to think twice about it.

“I guess you’re right,” I admit. “I like calling you that, though.”

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