Page 54 of Playmaker

Resting my elbows on my knees, I hang my head between them and let out another deep breath. Usually this spot brings me peace. I can come here and speak to my mom as if she’s here with me, and even though it sounds ridiculous, I think she is. There’s a spiritualism about being here. I feel close to her.

Tonight, however, I don’t feel like speaking. Memories of Maddie and that day drown my thoughts, and it’s something I’ve never spoken about aloud. I suppose if thereisan afterlife then my mom is already aware of it, but it doesn’t take away the shame or guilt I feel for destroying the girl who means the most to me.

My mother always liked Maddie. She thought she was the sweetest girl, and she’d compliment her whenever she wasn’t in the room. A part of me thought she was trying to set us up and could see something before my feelings ever developed.

Maybe I’m an idiot for fooling around with Maddie like my dad claimed, but tonight in my bedroom didn’tfeellike fooling around. Our kiss before we went inside my house felt genuine.

Real.

How can I be so torn about something? I can go back and forth about the pros and cons of being with Maddie, but I’ll never make a decision. I’ve always been conflicted when it comes to her, and it’s never been black and white. No matter what I choose, there will always be doubts, and the one person who has the ability to guide me isn’t here anymore.

“Fuck,” I mutter. “I miss you, Mom.” Biting hard on my lip, I try to keep the tears inside but it’s no use. They flow freely in a matter of seconds.

The cancer attacked quickly. Too quickly. We found out she had stage four ovarian cancer three months before she passed, and I was too young to understand. Too hopeful. I hadn’t seen enough bad in the world to fully grasp what was going to happen, but I wish I had. I wish others hadn’t just given me that look of pity when I said she was going to beat it. I wish they had been realistic and warned me she was going to die, and it was only a matter of time.

Maybe then I would have listened to her stories more. I would have made an effort to remember her laugh, and asked her the important questions I needed answers to.

For example,What do I do now that I’m in love with my best friend’s sister?

Am I ruining my chances of getting into the NFL?

Am I making her proud?

Is Maddie really a distraction?

The last question is useless when I already know the answer. Maddie isn’t the type of girl who would let me become distracted. She knows more than anyone how important my future is, and she wouldn’t do anything to get in the way of it. My father doesn’t know what he’s talking about. At the end of the day, I know the truth, and Maddie is the best damn thing to ever happen to my life.

The sentence rings in my head, a terrifying realization dawning on me.

Maddie hasalwaysbeen the best thing to happen to me. Even when I was a dick and gaslit her into thinking I felt nothing for her that day in my living room, she still agreed to my proposition to mend our friendship six years later, and I all but told her to go out with fucking Mark tomorrow night because I was too scared to admit my feelings and fuck things up.

Haven’t I already fucked things up bynotconfiding in her?

What’s the worst thing that could happen? I tell her the truth and she decides to leave? It’s my biggest fear, but by choosing the path of not saying anything at all, I’m going to lose her anyway. Maybe not as a friend, but I’ll lose her in the way that matters.

I don’t want to be friends.

I don’t want to explore.

I wanther.

All of her.

Suddenly, boots crunch on the gravel behind me, and I quickly slip the crystal into the pocket of my sweatshirt before I glance over my shoulder. I’m unsurprised to find Ethan making his way over to me, his truck parked beside mine on the grass.

“Figured you’d be here,” he says, plopping down beside me. He places a hand on my shoulder, and it isn’t until now that I realize I’m still crying.

Ethan doesn’t try to pry, nor does he interrupt.

He sits with me and waits it out.

The gesture only makes me cry harder because what I’m doing to him isn’t okay either. I’m keeping secrets that will destroy our friendship if he finds out. The person who, aside from Maddie, has seen me at my ultimate worst and has accepted me regardless of the monster I became after my mother’s death. I’m lying to my best friend, mybrother, after everything he’s done for me.

Five minutes pass before my breathing regulates and my sobs turn into sniffles. “I’m sorry,” I mutter. “My dad’s just a dick.”

“No need to apologize,” he replies. “Maddie came home and said she saw his car parked in the driveway on her way home from Maya’s. You weren’t answering your phone, so I pieced two and two together. Mom already said she’d make chicken noodle soup if you need some. Just say the word.”

I shake my head, unable to look him in the eyes. “Not tonight. I—”I can’t face your sister after I nearly broke her heart for the second time. “I want to be alone tonight.”

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