Page 94 of Playmaker

“I didn’t—” A hand rakes over his hair before he takes a swig of the whiskey, wincing on the swallow. “All I’ve ever wanted was the best for you, but clearly it hasn’t come across that way. Do you honestly think getting into a relationship is a good idea when you’re so close to being signed by Arizona?”

“Who says I want to be signed by them?”

Silence falls between us, taking up every section of space in the room. “What do you mean you don’t want to be signed by Arizona? It’s been your dream ever since you were a teenager.”

“No.” I laugh, cold and lifeless. “It’s beenyourdream. Every decision I’ve made has been based on what would make you happiest. I was terrified of disappointing you, so I went along with your diet plans, workout routines, and anything else you suggested because it was the only thing that we had in common after Mom died. But you know what? I don’t know where I’ll be drafted, but the one constant nagging thought I have is that I hope for damn sure it’s close to Maddie because I can’t live without her. I’d be devastated without football, but losing her? I won’t survive it. I’m barely surviving now.”

Telling him this is pointless when I know he’ll never change his mind. I’m wasting my breath. “Anyway, none of this matters,” I say while reaching for the bottle again. Shockingly, my dad allows me to take another swig.

He takes a seat beside me, hands clasped between his legs. “Itdoesmatter.”

My hand holding the bottle freezes in front of my lips.

“You’re my kid,” he continues. “And I didn’t know you felt that way. The fact you kept those feelings inside this long should tell me all I need to know about how good of a parent I’ve been.” My father has never cried in front of me, not even when my mother passed. He’s always tried to be strong for us, but now a tear slips onto his cheek. “I thought that providing you with everything you could ask for would give you what you needed. I wanted to make your mother proud, but instead I think I’ve failed her, and I’ve failed you in the process too. She would have loved to see you carry out your dreams by playing football professionally, and I became so wrapped up in it that I somehow lost whatyouwanted. I never asked, and I should have.”

Am I hallucinating again?

My father and I are having a conversation that is actually going well for once.

His reflection isn’t one I disagree with, so I’m not going to make up some bullshit excuse and stroke his ego that he’s been a good father when he hasn’t been. Instead, I give him the time to work this out himself.

“I miss her more than you can possibly imagine, and I’ve let my grief consume me, which resulted in me neglecting you when you needed me the most. Your mother was my soul mate. She was the type of person who could make the sun come out in the darkest of storms, and it became painstakingly obvious when she passed that the sun had no intentions of ever breaking through the clouds again. It broke me, Cameron.”

My vision is blurry, so I desperately blink down at my shoes to try to clear it.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you in the ways that matter, and I’m sorry I became so shattered by her loss that I stopped focusing on the most important thing, which is keeping our family together. I could come up with a thousand ways to try to solve this between us, but what doyouwant? What do you need from me to fix this?”

The anger that’s been brewing in me for years at his absence throbs with a glimmer of hope he’s giving, and that fifteen-year-old boy who lost his mom can’t seem to let go of it. Mending things isn’t something that’s going to happen overnight, and while I’ll never understand why he chose to leave me, I can understand his pain. I can understand changing into a different person. Becoming emotionless. Becoming an empty shell of the person I used to be.

So I think about his question for a few moments before I say, “Time. I understand you work a lot, but I wouldn’t mind a visit here and there at school. And maybe we could talk about something other than football during those visits.”

He nods thoughtfully, and even though he’s not speaking, I can see his mind working as he deciphers my words. “Done. Anything else?”

“Maybe therapy? I think, you know, after all that’s happened, we could both use it. Togetherandindividually.” Because the more this conversation unfolds, the more I realize that Maddie was right. The only person stopping me from relieving this pressure isme. All it took was a single confession to my dad to get my point across and begin the healing between us, and if I can openly speak about all the other shit going on in my head with someone else, maybe I can mend myself too.

“And no ultimatum,” I add. “It might be too late since I ended things with her this morning, but I can’t achieve my dream of football if Maddie isn’t by my side. They’re both my dreams, and if you strip me of one, it’ll take away the other.”

He leans back into the couch, taking the whiskey back to take another gulp. “Are you sure she’s the one?”

Last week I wouldn’t have been able to answer that confidently, but with this major step taken and gaining a semblance of control back in my life, I’m proving to myself that Icanbe the guy who chooses her over everything else. I refuse to accept anything less.

“She is,” I reply. “I’m in love with her.”

I’m expecting a rebuttal or some sort of lecture, but what I didn’t expect? Asmileon my father’s face. “I’ll be damned,” he mutters more to himself than me. “It seems your mother was right.” Before I can ask what he means, he clears his throat and adds, “I’ll take your word for it. Even though I don’t think it’s the smartest decision to become involved with someone, if she’s truly the one you want to be with, I’ll learn to be okay with it.”

“Really?”

He shrugs. “I’ve always loved Maddie for you, I just didn’t think it was the right time. If she and football are what will make you happy, then I’ll compromise, and we’ll figure out a way to make it work. However, if your grades start toslip—”

“They won’t.”

He holds up the empty bottle, examining the damage I did on it. “All right then. You need to get some sleep. We can talk about things in the morning when you’re sober.”

“You aren’t leaving?”

“No.” He shakes his head, regret shining in his eyes. “I’m going to make an effort to be part of your life more, Cameron. I mean that. I’ll be here when you wake up, although something tells me you’ll be busy pining for the girl I made you let go of. If you need me to apologize to her, I’d be more than willing—”

“Thanks, but this is something I need to fix myself.” Because just like Maddie said, I’ve been standing in my own way, but not anymore.

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