Page 125 of Until I Have You

“Oh no, no, no, that’s not what I meant to do,” she tuts.

Before she can comfort me further, she has to tell a patron bellying up to the bar to scram and pour his own bloody beer.They bicker, speaking so fast in their Irish accents I can’t really make sense of it, especially as I try to focus on keeping my tears at bay.

“All right, now tell me everything,mo stór.”My treasure.

I smile, but my lips fall the second tears touch the corners of my mouth.“I did something bad.”

“Did you kill anyone?”

“No…”

“Hurt anyone on purpose?”

I try not to giggle.“No…”

“Steal something?Set something on fire?Wear the same pair of knickers two days in a row?”

I can’t stifle the laugh now.What is it with moms being able to pull you right out of a funk and laugh when you least want to?“No!None of that.”

“All right, then whatever you did can’t bebad,Abigail.”

A group of men bursts into some laughter and cheers in the middle of their darts tournament.Gives me a second to collect my thoughts.How am I going to say it?How do I tell her?“It was bad to Dad.”

“Well, your father is an interesting man,” Mom says with a look of resignation.She’s never talked badly about him to me, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have her opinions.“And I know he’s changed a lot in the past few years, but leopards can’t change their spots.At least not entirely.They hold onto them tight.”

That’s true.Dad isn’t the same “scorched earth policy” type of person he used to be.He’s not the same man he was when he told Nate he wouldn’t speak to him if Nate decided not to take a job at the club.But old habits die hard, I suppose.

“You can tell me anything,mo stór.”

“I know, I know, I just…”

Just have to say it, Abigail.

And here I go.

“I started an affair with Theodore Wallington, and then Dad found out and I chose Theo over Dad and I fell in love with him, but then I found out he did something stupid behind my back and so I broke things off,” I blurt, every word trying to come out at the same time.

I cover my mouth with my hand, both shocked it came out like that and surprised it’s my story.I’ve immersed myself in my work, avoided thinking about it so entirely, I almost forgot it wasn’t just a story.

It’s my life.

My mother’s eyes widen.“Oh, my god, Abigail.”

“It’s bad, isn’t it?”

“No, no, it’s not bad, but it is going to require some Guiness.”She puts her hand flat on the bar to steady herself.“Wait right here.”

Two Guinesses later, the story is out in all its glory for my mother.

She’s a good listener, doesn’t interrupt except with some clarifying questions here and there.

“Now I’m here.”With everything out in the open, I feel like I’ve emptied my body of all its organs.

My mother hums.“Well, now that makes sense why your father is upset, then.Not saying he should be, but…”

“I can’t believe I let myself–” I lean on the bar, covering my face.“It’s that stupid accent, that stupid, stupid–”

Mom chortles.“Oh, come on, Abigail, if you wanted a guy just for an accent you would have come to visit me.That’s not what this is about.”

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