Page 122 of Until I Have You

My heart grows heavy in my chest.“That’s why I… We can continue, if you stay.”

“I don’t want to, now that I know that you’re just like my father,” Abigail says her voice cold and expression distant.

I am transported back to those first times I saw her when I moved to New York.How she always had that wall up between us.She’s built it up again.Keeping me out.Keeping me at bay.The difference, though, is I’m no longer yearning.I know what’s on the other side of that wall.

Ilovewhat’s on the other side of that wall.And it’s not good for me.Not at all.

“You want me to exist in the parameters of what makes you comfortable.So much so you’d–god, Theo, what you did is actually insane!The fact you did it in secret and created this whole plan, it’s actually harrowing to imagine what else you could accomplish.”

“I’m not a villain.I’m not diabolical.”

“Now I know you’re capable of it, though,” Abigail says, her teeth gritted.“Behind my back.Beside me.Inside me.”

The last one wounds me, the way she says it.Like I’ve tainted her body with mine.

We stand in the cold for several minutes, neither of us speaking nor willing to walk away.Abigail finally puts on her coat to protect from the February chill, thank goodness.She shoves her hands in her pockets.“I’m going to Ireland.”

“Don’t do that,” I whisper, unsure if she hears it, my voice so thin against the air.

“I’ll pack up and leave tomorrow.”

I say nothing.I am both shocked and not at all.Because she is hardheaded.Self-possessed, which is both a compliment and an insult.I say nothing because I know there is nothing I can say to change this.She is committed to misunderstanding my effort for her.

“And we can cut this short.That’s what will be best.”

Best for her.Not for me.Not for Bonnie.“I tried so hard to prevent this.”

“I don’t know why you’d want to.When you think I’m so immature.”She shakes her head.

I wince.“Bonnie…”

“I know.I hate that I have to hurt her to protect myself from you.”

It’s all gotten so out of hand.“I did it because I–”

Lovewill not fix this, right now.If anything, it will make her venom puncture deeper.It will push me to the darkness, the darkness I’ve learned to avoid.

“Because you what?”Abigail asks, the end of her sentence clipped so tight I know there is no answer to satisfy her.

I muster all the vitriol I have inside me to answer: “Because I thought it was best for my daughter.Turns out I was wrong.”

Her lips tip up in a confusing smile.She nods.“Yes, we both were, weren’t we?”

Neither of us says another word.

I look down the street to see an oncoming cab.As it comes closer, I hail it.The car slows down at the curb.The moment I reach for the door, Abigail starts to walk away.

“Wait,” I bark after her.

She does me the honor of listening once more.

I open the door for Abigail and usher her inside.

Abigail doesn’t look at me as she gets inside.

I give the cab driver my address, then go to hand Abigail some cash.She holds up her hand.“Don’t bother.”

I purse my lips tight, grab her hand, and force the money into it.Anger veils my true desperation.

---