Page 90 of Until I Find You

I laugh more. “Oh noooo.”

Jack smiles down at me. A brief pause for him to trace his fingers down my cheek. I lean into his touch.

The smile fades, and he continues. “So, Mom’d had enough so she called Dad to try and convince him to take me once and for all. And I was so excited. So excited I sat outside her room to hear the conversation. She didn’t know I was home. Dad was onspeakerphone. And–” His lower lip trembles. “The things they said…”

I take Jack’s hand and press a kiss to the heel of his palm.

“I’d always known my life wasn’t normal like other kids who had both their parents or even had parents who were divorced. But that was the first time I knew what a mistake I’d been.”

“They had choices, Jack. They could have made different choices.”

“Yeah, I guess.” He leans his head back against the wall and stares straight ahead, his eyes glossy. “’Do you think I wanted this?’ That’s what she said. She didn’t want me, and she didn’t want to–”

“She didn’t want you to go, Jack. She didn’t want to not be the best option for you.”

He scoffs, eyes rolling back. “Yeah, right.”

“Jack…”

“It wasn’t just that. It was Dad saying how it didn’t make sense for me to live with him. How he didn’t have time for me. And how she said that it wasn’t fair for me to be stuck with her.Stuck.” Jack worries his bottom lip with his teeth. “I’ve been a nuisance since the day I was born, and it’s not even my fucking fault.”

I don’t know what to say.

“Dad finally caved. And I was still so excited. And living with himwasbetter than living with my mom. Although he was more hands off. But I saw more of Nate and Abigail, and we all became close, even if we were all going through our own shit. And…”Jack blinks and a tear roams free. “Fuck, I don’t want to cry about this, it’s not worth it.”

“Of course, it’s worth it. It’s your life. It’s–”

“So, my mom doesn’t want to see me even when I’m all the way out in Hawaii and she barely comes to visit and then Dad gets his shit together and meets someone and they do things the right way by getting married and then having kids, an active decision, and Nate, Abigail, and me, we’re just supposed to watch and be happy and–” He clutches his chest. So many feelings trying to come out at once. “I don’t know why I’m the only one having a hard time like this. I don’t know why I’m the only onesufferinglike this.”

“Jack–”

“And then he’s asking me to hold one of them like it’s not killing me to see him happy and unafraid to be a father. I deserved that, didn’t I? I deserved parents who wanted me.”

I slide my hands up his thighs, up his belly, to his chest. “Of course, you do. And they do want you. They just didn’t always do a good job of communicating that.”

“You’re just being–”

“They’re human, Jack. And that doesn’t mean you owe them your empathy or anything, but for your own peace you have to remember that they are humans. And from all I know, both of them know they have to do better. They’retryingto do better. Right?”

Jack chews on the inside of his cheek. “It doesn’t feel like it’s enough. To make up for everything.”

“Then make them grovel, Jack.”

He laughs. A big laugh.

“I’m not kidding! You can love them and also expect more from them. And I guarantee that the love those babies get is the love your father has tried to give you all your life. He was just too scared until now.” I’m choking myself up at what I’m saying. “And that’s not fucking fair to you. Not at all. But please know how wanted and loved you really are.”

Jack looks into his lap. “I just want to be needed by someone. I want someone to not know how to live without me, and my parents are supposed to be those people and I feel like they could just walk away without a second thought.”

A surge of passion rolls through me, from my gut into my chest, and sends words spiraling out of my mouth, words I’ve been holding back, too scared to say. “Ineed you, Jack.”

Jack’s dark brown eyes lift to meet mine.

I never thought it would be this way. Me needing someone. I didn’t want to need another person ever. At least not until I’d worked out all my shit, but I can’t lie to myself. “Ineed you,” I repeat. “And…I love you, Jack.”

His mouth parts in shock, eyes widening.

“I’m sorry if that’s too soon. And you don’t have to say it back. But you need to know because I can’t stand–”

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