Page 87 of Until I Find You

The angry voice of fifteen-year-old me starts to blab in the back of my mind.

Not lucky to have met my mother, though. Not lucky to have had me.

Dad inhales and looks up at me again. “You’ll get it when you have your own kids.”

“Yeah, I’m sure I will.”

Liam stirs on Dad’s chest, wriggling his little body and grunting.

“Hey there, little man,” Dad says.

God, he’s beaming. He’s so fucking in love with him.

Of course, he is. Ofcourse. That’s how a man should feel for his children. That’s how he felt about me, right?

The lightness returns to my body and this time, I’m not sure I can control it. My hands start to shake.

“You want to hold him?” Dad asks.

“I…” Yes. I want to. I want to be close to them. They might be my half-siblings, and I might be almost three decades older than them, but I want to be a part of their life. Be one of their protectors. I want to love them, want to make them feel wanted.

It’s all too much, though.

“Can’t,” I husk. “My hands are–” I swallow, opening and closing my hands, trying to make them steady.

Dad’s brow furrows. “You okay?” His voice is so soft and genuine.

“I’m fine,” I say, forcing a smile. “I just–I need to–”

I get to my feet and, damn, those are unsteady too.

Dad tries to help. “Hey, take it easy, why don’t you sit down and–”

It doesn’t matter how much love is infused in his voice. My mind is reeling.

Why am I jealous of a fucking baby? Why does it even matter? I was born almost thirty years ago. I’m aman.

Yet, I’m as small as I’ve ever been.

“I’m just going to take a quick…” I slide one of my hands down the lapel of my coat to free them of all the clammy sweat that’s been building up. “I’ll be back.” I can’t hear my own voice, not sure if anyone else can.

Bridget tries to intercede, grabbing my arm. “Where are you going?” she says on a light giggle.

I shrug her off. “Bathroom.”

I spin on my heel, paying no mind to any parting looks or words as I exit the hospital room.

19

CAMILLA

I chewon the inside of my lip, deciding whether I’d like a bag of Skittles or a Snickers from the vending machine. Different vibes entirely. If I’m here long enough, I could have one of both. A comforting thought.

I type in the code and wait for the Skittles to drop into the well of the vending machine. From behind me comes the loud metallic clang of a door opening. I glance over my shoulder.

Jack has emerged from Sonia’s hospital room, his head ducked and hands shoved in his pockets. He walks at top speed toward me.

“Hey,” I say. “Everything all right?’

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