Page 6 of Until I Find You

My hand vibrates as my phone starts ringing. The name on the screen reads “Dave PI”.

I’m on my work hours, so I usually wouldn’t have my phone off “Do Not Disturb”, but Dave told me if I want to get instant updates, I need to be reachable.

And do Ieverwant instant updates.

I shake off the asshole who just yelled at me and answer the phone, stepping into the crosswalk while the flashing red hand starts to count down. “Hi, Dave.”

“Camilla? Is this a good time?”

“Yes, it’s fine. Can you hear me all right?”

“Yeah, but that won’t matter much, just need you to listen, kid.”

Dave is a grizzled Long Island private detective. He had the best reviews online that were corroborated by Reddit.

“So, I hate to be the bearer of bad news…”

My heart drops, and my eyes start to pinch.

“The address that I found, had a contact go out and check for me if your birth mother was still living there and unfortunately, she isn’t. In fact, she hasn’t lived at that address for five years.”

I keep my head down, curls falling over my eyes, as I slide into the revolving doors of the CipherBit building. Don’t need to accidentally make eye contact with someone I know who might wonder why I’m looking glum. “I take it the person who lives there has no idea who she is or where she went?”

“No, unfortunately. I’ve been trying to get in touch with the landlord for any information, but I’m afraid that’s proving to be a bit difficult.”

I hurry through the lobby, pop the badge on my hip against the reader before walking through security, giving the guards a soft nod, phone still to my ear. “So, what’s this mean?”

“Well, if you think I’m giving up, you’d be wrong,” Dave says with a hearty laugh.

That brings a smile to my face, however solemn.

“This is just a small hiccup. I’m just keeping you in the loop. It’s important you know where we’re at so you can adjust your expectations accordingly, all right?”

“I understand.” I duck into one of the elevators that’s about to close, keeping my hand as steady as possible so as not to ruin any of the drinks. There are a few businessmen in the elevator, but Iavoid looking at them and turn to the panel of buttons and squat down to tap my floor with my elbow.

“This is normal. All a process. I know you were hoping I could snap my fingers and we’d find her, but that’s not how this works most of the time.”

Dave has been working at this for a month now. That’s not a ton of time, but it’s notnotime either, and it’s certainly notnomoney. However, after my most recent pay bump, I finally have the funds to look for my birth mom.

The closed adoption posed a lot of barriers. My adoptive parents don’t know anything.

The second I turned eighteen, I went to the mutual consent adoption registry, the way that people who have come of age can get into contact with their birth parents, and I left my information.

However, eight years later, and still, nothing from my birth mother.

I understand people make choices throughout their lives out of necessity sometimes. I don’t blame her for leaving me. I had a great childhood, grew up with loving parents and siblings.

But according to DNA testing, I’m Mexican. Probably from Jalisco. Yet, I never learned Spanish, and I don’t know much about my culture other than what I’ve learned through books and the internet.

It’shard to explain the hollow feeling I have from being disconnected from my true self. I’ve never felt I belonged anywhere. Not with my white family, not with other Mexicans.

And if I don’t know where I come from or where I belong, I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to invite others into my life. Deeply and truly.

Of course, I understand my biological mother might not want a relationship with me, and though that would hurt me, I would accept it. But I need to know who I am and where I come from.

Dave has already been well worth the money, though. Miraculously, through his magical investigating ways, he was able to find my mother’s name. Juana Gonzalez.

It might only be a name to me, but to Dave, it was a trampoline that propelled him from one clue to the next. And his optimism is reassuring.

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