Page 134 of Until I Find You

I try not to smile.

“Anyway, all that is to say, you came from a place of love. There was no…no pain there,” she says, touching her heart.

I sigh deeply. I had no idea how reliving that would be, but the weight that lifts is massive. “That’s good to know.”

“Anyway, I wanted to keep you, but if I had, I would have had to drop out of school and go home to Mexico. They wouldn’t have let me stay here. And that would have been shameful, not just on a mental level, but my community and my religion, it would have been painful for us, even if we were able to stay together. You understand what I’m saying?”

I bite down on the inside of my cheek. I imagine my own baby. Would I have done that? If I knew life would be harder for us even if we were together? I don’t know. I’m not sure that’s a question you can answer without actuallyhavingto answer it. “I understand.”

“You were better off with Lisa and Dan. They were very kind to me. They even helped me with my medical payments, school, helping me stay on my feet.”

“You knew my parents?”

“Oh, yes. I chose them. That’s how the adoption worked. They were at the hospital when you were born,” Juana says, smiling. There is a clear fondness for them. “Were they…it’s not my place to ask, but were they good to you? Did I make a good choice for you?”

My eyes fill with tears in an instant. I look away. If I’m going to cry, I don’t want her to see.

“Yeah, they were great. Theyaregreat.” Better than anything, they were mine. For all the faults and bumps in the road, they did what they could for me. And that was more than Juana could give.

She smiles. “Good. That makes me so happy, Camilla.”

There’s that soft sound again in the middle of my name.

Juana hesitates for a moment. “They didn’t…tell you about me, did they?”

“No. Never.”

She nods, her head heavy with solemnity. “That’s what we agreed.”

“Why? Why not give me an opportunity to know you?”

Juana shifts in her seat and clutches at her purse. “That would have been too hard for me.”

I want to shout, “What about me?!” But I don’t. Because now that I know she wanted me, I understand her much more.

“I had to focus on school and if I was seeing you grow up, it would have been too much for me to bear. I got my engineering degree, and I left Nebraska and tried to move on.” She nods. “That sounds harsh, but that is what I had to do.”

“I understand,” I whisper.

“I’m sorry I was not stronger than that, Camilla.”

Baby flutters in my belly. A comforting flip. I touch my palm to my stomach to comfort them back. “But why did you have your husband lie? I would think you’d want to meet me at some point or…” Maybe not. I bite back on my words.

“I was afraid,” Juana says. Simple. To the point.

“Why? If you knew I wanted to meet you, why would you be afraid?”

Juana reaches into her purse and pulls out her phone. She taps around for a minute before landing on what she’s looking for and then holds the phone out, screen facing me. It’s a picture of a little girl. Under ten, but I’m not sure exactly how old. She has the same curly hair as me. As Juana. But lighter skin and bright green eyes.

I take the phone from her and stare down at the picture.

“That’s my daughter, Sofia.”

There’s a tug in my chest. I’m not sure what emotion. “How old is she?”

“She’s about to turn eight.”

Eight years ago, I was eighteen. Around the same age Juana was when I was born. A lot can change in eighteen years. A baby can grow into a full-fledged person. And a mother who wasn’t ready to be a mother can be ready.

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