Page 109 of Until I Find You

I giggle. “You’re going to have to get used to me talking to you and there not being a problem or else this is going to be a long nine months.”

“Seven months.”

“Okay, right, but you get my point.”

“Actually, a littlelessthan seven months, but–”

“Thirty-one weeks.”

Jack flinches. “That makes it sound way sooner. Stick with months.”

“It’s going to be sooner than we’re ready for.”

Jack pulls up to a stoplight and sighs. “Yeah, you’re right about that.”

I take hold of his hand, pulling it into my lap, against my belly.

He looks at me. The love in his eyes is palpable.

Which makes me wonder if my mother had this. If she did, wouldn’t she have kept me? Even if she didn’t…

“I can’t stop thinking about my mom.” It kind of slips out without me realizing, a peep, a squeak.

Jack’s brows rise. The light changes to green, and he’s forced to release my hand to keep driving. “That makes sense.”

“I mean, I’m just so happy, you know?” I say, wrapping my arms around my middle. “I feel so connected to the baby.”

Something tugs in my chest, a thread catching and starting to unravel. “I can’t imagine giving them up.”

“We’re privileged, Camilla.”

“Right.” My baby’s going to have more money than they know what to do with. “Of course, I know there are plenty of reasons someone can’t.”

We are silent.

“I think about the possibilities a lot,” I begin, and I realize I’m saying something I’ve never said aloud to anyone. “About how I came to be, you know? Is my father someone she loved? Or someone she didn’t love? Or…worse?”

The possibilities of worse are…

Well, they’re worse.

“I know I can’t judge her when I’m having a baby with someone I love. Really love. So, it’s an easy answer when it comes to what to do. But was she still connected to me? Did she hate me? Is that why I can’t find her?”

“She didn’t hate you.”

“How do you know?”

Jack clamps his teeth over his lower lip. “I guess I don’t.”

I stare out ahead at the New York City traffic. “I’m going to be thinking about her a lot. Maybe more than I already do. That scares me.”

Jack reaches out a hand and wraps it around the back of my neck. “You talk about it all you want, Camilla. I will always want to hear it.”

I sink into his touch. “But this time is supposed to be happy. This is supposed to be like fluffy clouds and teddy bears and tiny shoes. Oh, my god, Jack.”

I burst into tears.

“Baby girl…I know it’s not easy, but–”

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