I remembered that she’d sipped her wine and smiled at me. “You know, we should probably think about getting married. Then I can finish school, work part time, we can decide when we want to have kids. It makes that all easier when I’m legally able to work, get health care, you know.”
By that point, she’d been hinting at marriage a lot, but this was the first time she’d come out and said it point blank. Every time she’d hinted it, I’d hinted back that I wasn’t interested in getting married. Maybe I hadn’t hinted clearly enough.
“Tang, I don’t want to get married.”
“I’m not saying we have to get married right away. Maybe in a couple of years, but in the meantime, I think our parents would like to see us get engaged at the very least.”
I’d laughed, which was probably the exact wrong thing to do in that moment. “No, I mean I don’t want to get married.Ever.”
She’d stiffened at my side, but at that moment, I hadn’t realized how much trouble I’d gotten myself into. The booze had muddled my head.
“When did you decide that?”
I also hadn’t caught the way her voice had changed, turning ice cold. I’d only realized it from replaying the memory of our fight over and over. “I know we’ve never really talked about it, but I’m telling you now. I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to have kids. I like life the way it is.”
She’d taken a step back as if I’d wounded her. “When did you plan on telling me that?”
“I don’t know. Whenever it came up.”
“Whenever it came up? Are you for real? I’ve always been clear that I want kids one day. Who did you think I was going to have those with?”
“I didn’t really think about it.”
“Clearly!” She’d paused. “Wait, are you screwing around with me? Are you trying to be funny right now?”
That moment would have been a good time to save myself, but I had no idea what was about to happen.
“No. I’m serious. I guess we should have had this conversation before. My bad. I just don’t think we need a piece of paper to show that we love each other. As for kids, I like my freedom, and kids are a huge distraction.”
“Ethan, we’ve been together since high school. I dropped out of school and moved to here to support you! How are you surprised I want to get married?”
I’d been so dismissive of her that night when I’d shrugged it off. “I don’t know, but I don’t.”
Thinking about it now, the alcohol was talking more than I was. If I’d been fully sober, I would have never said anything like that to her. The way her eyes had burned with rage and had filled with tears, I should have backtracked, but I was an idiot and pushed on.
“I can’t believe this. You have unilaterally made a decision and didn’t bother to fill me in until I asked? What is wrong with you?”
“I’m sorry you’re upset, but if you want to get married and have kids, then it’s not with me.”
I had no idea why I’d bluffed with her that night, or shown such a shitty side of myself. I’d known it was wrong, but I was a stupid twenty-four-year-old who was trying to assert myself.
“Why are you doing this?” she said, wiping away a tear.
“I’m not doing anything other than being honest. Tang, I love you. I just don’t want to get married and have kids. Don’t take it personally. I don’t want that with anyone, it’s not about you.”
“Maybe you could have made this revelation before I put my life on hold and moved to another country, you asshole!”
“Let’s try to have a nice evening, okay? We can talk about this tomorrow.”
By then, everyone on the deck had taken notice. More had come outside.
“No. I can’t have a nice evening, not with you. Never again. You’ve taken me for granted, figured I’d sit by you as what? An ornament? Sorry, but I eventually want to get married and have kids, and you’ve just made it clear that it’s not with you. So I’m out.”
She’d stormed off leaving me open-mouthed. I’d laughed it off with those who’d been watching, and when I’d gotten back to the old condo we’d shared, she hadn’t been there, and some of her stuff was gone. I’d figured I’d give her a few days to cool off and I headed out on a road trip. When I got back, she’d cleared the condo of her stuff and I never saw her again. Not until that day at Dad’s funeral.
I was jarred from the memory when Ryan playfully punched me in the arm. “Hey, you all there?”
“Sorry, I was just thinking.”