Page 48 of Risking it All

“So, youdon’twant to use me to reap the fifty-thousand-dollar reward?” I laid the sarcasm and anger on thick.

Relic rubbed his hands together. “I had no idea that the reward was a thing until after you and I became friends. My life…” He paused, and my heart hurt when he muttered curses under his breath. “My life isn’t like yours. We don’t have a big fancy house and I don’t have a mom and a dad who give a shit. Me and my sisters, wedon’tmake ends meet. I decide monthly what bills to pay and what services we’re going to live without. During the summer, without free school breakfast and lunches, I go dayswithout eating anything more than a piece of bread or bologna because my younger sister will eat before I do.”

I wanted to say I was sorry, but I knew that would only hurt his pride, so I stayed silent.

“I do what I have to do to survive,” he continued. “So, when I heard that there was a reward for the person who carjacked you, yeah, I thought about talking to you to see if I could play detective. That money would solve a lot of my problems. People who say money can’t buy you happiness are people who have money and don’t live my life. Money is what I think about twenty-four-seven. It’s exhausting, but it’s my reality.

“Because we come from two different worlds, I don’t know how to explain to you that I can’t separate my constant need to survive from the fact that I was enjoying having this amazing person in my life who I couldn’t stop thinking about.”

Okay, so that part softened some frozen pieces of my heart.

“I like you, Macie. I really like you, and a normal person would have never considered using something in your life, especially something so awful, for money. I have a feeling you think linear. A plus B equals C. My brain, though? If there’s a way for me to take care of my family, my brain will twist like boiled spaghetti and grab hold. It doesn’t make it right that I wanted the money, and I sure as fuck regret that having the thought caused me to lose what could have been the best friendship with the most amazing person I’ve ever met. I don’t deserve a second chance, but if you give it, I promise I’ll never try to make a dime off you.”

“That was one hell of an apology,” I said, because my brain had stalled out from all that he had admitted.

“Apologizing is all I’ve thought about since it happened, so I’ve had time to think it through.”

“Why didn’t you say something to me? We’ve been in the car together multiple times since that night.”

Relic gave an unsure shrug. “I figured after what you heard, there was no way for me to dig out of the hole, so why try? You know why I’m here in therapy, and you still landed me that job. I piss you off and you still keep the same shifts as me and trust me to drive you, which don’t fool yourself—I need that ride. You’ve done a lot for me, and I didn’t want to make things worse. If you didn’t want to talk to me again, then I wanted to respect that.”

Confused, I scratched at a forming hive. “Relic, you act like I’m selfless. I need you to drive me because I can’t do it, and I have no intention of letting my parents know I can’t drive. For the first time in months, they’re happy. I can’t take that from them. My mom and dad have been miserable because I can’t be a truly functioning human being. I can’t talk about February, I can’t drive, and until going to my job, I never left the house if it wasn’t for therapy.”

I pressed my hands to my chest. “I am a walking sideshow who has created this huge carnival of lies to make them happy. I’m pretty sure that I blackout multiple times when I drive the few blocks to and from my house. There’s nothing safe about it. Even when you drive, you don’t notice that I’m searching for the next team of ninjas to attack me?”

He gave a solid shoulder shrug that hehadnoticed.

“I can’t relax in the car. I can’t relax anywhere. At work, as the sun starts to set, I overthink how many strangers are around me, and hives form on my arms. And I get so many hives all the time that I’m sure they’re going to become permanently ingrained in my skin until I eventually become this itching misery of a swollen blob. But I’ll take the hives and the anxiety attacks in private because I can’t stand breaking my family’s hearts. Not anymore.”

Relic absorbed it all as if I hadn’t downloaded onto him more than I had told anyone since February. Silence stretched between us, and I itched incessantly at the new nest of hives.“Please say something, because I don’t know what to say and something needs to be said.”

“Ninjas?” he asked.

My entire face scrunched up.

“You said you’re waiting for ninjas to attack.”

I tossed my hands out in frustration, “It was hyperbole.”

“I swear to God I’ve never heard anyone use that in an actual sentence. An English teacher, maybe, when saying, ‘Hey, there’s this phrase, it’s called hyperbole.’ But anyone ever using it in a sentence? That’s a first. Kudos to you, Mazie Hutchison. You should put extra sprinkles on your sundae.”

I don’t know why, but I cracked a smile, and the hives didn’t itch as much. “You’re such an asshole.”

Relic gave me his pirate smile. “At your service.”

“Thanks,” I said.

“For what?”

“Saying something.” For stopping me from spiraling.

Relic was silent for a few beats, but then said, "At first, I couldn’t understand why I was drawn to you. Yeah, you’re beautiful. Sexier than any woman I’ve ever seen.”

I blushed. He noticed and his lips lifted a tad, but then he became serious again. “But I understand it now.”

The weird part? I was drawn to him, as well. “And what is it that you understand?”

“We both love our families more than we love ourselves. As long as our families are okay, we’ll happily take on the hurt. We’ll bury ourselves before they’re ever unhappy. Sounds fucked-up, right?”

---