Page 45 of Born to Make You Smile

“You’re demisexual!” he said with excitement.

“Demisexual?” I repeated, confused. “I’ve never heard of it. What does it mean?”

“Hold on, Goldie, let me call Ashna. She’ll tell you all about it.”

Joshua ran off, and I made drinks then served a few rooms. When I returned, Ashna was seated at the bar.

She went on to explain everything to me. All the different types of attraction and spectrums of asexuality.

“And demisexual is just needing that close emotional connection before you feel sexual attraction,” she said.

“Why is it I only feel it with this one man? I’ve connected with other men before. Why didn’t it happen with them?”

“Just because you have a connection doesn’t automatically lead to attraction,” she pointed out. “Everyone and every situation is different. And asexuality is such a varied orientation. For example, I’m a biromantic asexual, so I have romantic attraction to multiple genders, but I’m sexually attracted to none of them. However, I am sex neutral, sometimes favorable. So I'll engage in sexual activity if it suits the role or scene, you know, for fun and to please my partner. But I could do without. I partake and enjoy kink because of the rush I get from being a submissive. The power play. The sensations. Not from the orgasms or sexual acts.”

“All right. That’s so interesting,” I said, taking her words in.

Ashna was so in charge here at the club that it surprised me to hear she was a submissive. Perhaps it was a way for her to let go of the stress of the day. Let someone else care and direct her for even a short time. I was slowly realizing that being a submissive was empowering. Something perhaps I wanted to explore myself. With the right person of course.

Ashna directed me to some blogs, videos, and websites to get more information so I’d be assured that the demisexual label suited me. However, I couldn’t stop thinking about how I was only attracted to Gavin. What if he was it for me? What if I never felt sexual attraction to anyone else? Would I have to force myself to become sexual with my future partner to maintain the relationship? Would I always be this way? I wish I had the answers. I wish I knew how to destroy these hopeless feelings for Gavin and move on with my life.

FIFTEEN

“Will and I brokeup.” Dorina let out a long sigh on the other end of the phone line. “Well, I broke up with him. It wasn’t working out, and I hated how he always took Ethan’s side.”

A rancid taste filled my mouth. “I’m sorry. That sucks.”

Seemed like everyone was breaking up lately. Love wasnotin the air this fall.

“Like, I get they’re best friends, but Will could’ve at least admitted Ethan was an ass to you. He kept claiming you led him on, and honestly, I did not want to hear any more of that bullshit.”

“I feel so bad.” I sighed. “I didn’t mean for my issues with Ethan to come between you two.”

She scoffed. “Why do you feel bad? He wasn’t the right guy for me anyway. Besides, you’re way more important to me than some guy. I will always choose you,pollita.”

While I was touched by her unbridled devotion, it made my chest drop. Dorina gave up a relationship and stuck up for me. In return, I was lying and hiding my secret life from her. Telling her about my night job was on the tip of my tongue, but I still couldn’t get the words out. I knew she’d be so disappointed.

“Do you want me to come by?” I asked, getting up from my bed.

“No, that’s okay. I’m fine. I have to work anyway. What about tomorrow night?”

Shit. Tomorrow, I worked at X-PLORE. Guilt churned in my gut like a bad cachito. “You know what, I can’t tomorrow. But I’ll definitely see you on Sunday for your birthday.”

“Oh yeah! I almost forgot. I have to work until two, but then I’m free.”

“I’m bringing a surprise,” I said in singsong.

She squealed. “I hope it’s what I think it is! No pressure. I know it’s so much work. But I’m worth it, right?”

I chuckled. “You’re definitely worth it, Princess Dorina.”

***

At the end of the workweek, Gavin and I swung by the cleaners to pick up his clothing as we typically did on Fridays. After he laid the bagged clothing in his car, I glanced over at the market next to the cleaners. I wanted to make Dorina’s favorite cake for her birthday, but I was missing some key ingredients.

“Is it all right if I quickly step into the market? I need a few things for a cake. I’ll be super quick. You can wait for me in the car...”

“Not a problem. I’ll come with you. I might get a few things myself. Maybe I’ll attempt a nice dinner tonight—beef Wellington.”

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