Page 28 of Born to Make You Smile

“Well, he took me up to a bedroom. And he got a little too handsy with me. I told him to stop, and then he lashed out, saying I owed him for all the dates he paid for. I was likefuck you, then I got the hell out of there.”

“That fucking asshole!” Dorina shouted. “I’m glad you told him where to go. Shit. He seemed like such a good guy too.”

“I know. But, at the same time, I don’t know why I wasn’t ready to take things further. I just didn’t want to.”

“You didn’t want to have sex with him?”

I shook my head. “But I didn’t want him to touch me either. I enjoyed kissing him. But anything else made me feel uncomfortable.”

She hummed. “Did you have a bad experience in the past?”

I knew I had to come clean. “Actually, I have no experience.”

“What do you mean?” she said, her eyes wide.

“I’m a virgin. In every sense of the word.”

“Grace.” She looked taken aback. “I had no idea. I thought you lost it on prom night with Jake. I guess I assumed. I always thought you were just very private about your sexual life. I never wanted to push and ask for details.”

Jake was my high school boyfriend and prom date. We ended up at a hotel after, and I thought I could go through with it and have sex with him, but I froze when he started to undress. I lied, telling him I unexpectedly got my period. He was so drunk anyway that he ended up passing out and sleeping on the floor. Pants around his ankles and all.

“I should have told you. The truth is, it’s not really something I like to talk about. I don’t know why, but I never really caredto lose my virginity or do sexual things. For as long as I can remember. I never felt that pull to do that before.”

“Oh,” she said with a nod. “Like you’ve never imagined getting it on with anyone, even a hot celebrity?”

I shook my head. “Definitely not. I mean, I don’t mind watching couples in movies do sexual things—it looks hot, and the idea is fun—but I have no desire to be in their place. It doesn’t appeal to me.”

“You know,” she said, wiping her fingers on a napkin. “It sounds like you might be asexual.”

My brow furrowed, trying to process what that meant. “Asexual?”

“Yeah. Like you just aren’t sexually attracted to people.”

“Maybe.”

I thought about how I never felt sexually attracted to men in the past. But then I thought about my random sexual feelings and pull for Gavin lately and became even more confused. Part of me wanted to confess and tell Dorina about these feelings for him. Instead, I thought it best to keep to myself.

“Honestly,” I said. “I don’t know a whole lot about asexuality and what it entails.”

“Me neither. Only what my sister told me about it. Ashna, Vanessa’s best friend, is asexual. They work together at the club.”

“Ahh.” I nodded. “Have you ever been?”

“To X-PLORE? No way. I’ve heard enough about it to know it’s definitely not my thing. It’s like an open orgy with whips and beatings.”

Orgy. Whips. Beatings.The club sounded intimidating. Nothing like Vanessa had described the place. For a second, I wondered if the server job was still available. How much it paid. I blinked the thoughts away. I could never work at a place like that.

She shook her head, her brows furrowed. “I thought Vanessa’s stint there was only a temporary stepping stone type thing, but five years later, she’s still there. I mean, sure she makes incredible money, but she could do so much better than that place. I’ve heard about them letting in toxic men who don’t know the rules and limits and harass the women. It’s not safe. I really hate that she works there.”

After Dorina left, I cleaned up my room. I made my double bed, fixing the gray covers and arranging the small plush pink pillows on top. I cleared the clutter from the white desk, lined up the spines of my comic books, then arranged the fallen novels on my shelf. Next to my literature collection sat a few of my favorite Beanie Babies, including my penguin and husky, as well as a raccoon. Snoops—the only raccoon I tolerated. My tooth piggybank was on the top right shelf, which contained my tooth fairy earnings over the years, still untouched from my last baby tooth. I picked it up and shook it, hearing the coins jangle against the ceramic walls, recalling all the teeth I’d lost in this house and the two at school.

With a sigh, I walked over to my dresser and picked up the silver frame. Inside was a special poem I’d written after my mom died. While I wouldn’t consider myself a poet, I loved to experiment with words on the page. Channel my inner thoughts to create a small piece of art. I was terrible at visual arts—sketching and painting—so poetry had become my outlet over the years. I found it helped me cope with the grief of losing Mom.

Lost Leaf

A lost leaf

Miles away from home

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