Page 72 of Suspicious

“To be honest, when everything went down all those years ago, I wasn’t even sure I would make it to see if we could get to this point,” I tell her honestly.

Her head snaps up, her brows furrow, shock clearly etcheddeep into her features as she stares at me. “Alex… what thehelldoes that mean?”

Exhaling, I figure if she’s going to be my Old Lady, I need to be open with her. So, I clear my throat. “I think we all know the circumstances around Jason’s death sent me into a downward spiral I couldn’t pull myself out of. I know my emotional state back then is why I lost you.”

Her eyes flood with tears as she bites hard on her bottom lip. “I should have been more supportive. I was young, and the pressures from home were intense. It killed me to leave you, Alex. I didn’t want to, but I felt like you didn’t want me there.”

Smiling with little enthusiasm, I hold her tighter. “I know. That’s my fault. I should have asked for help. I really fucking needed it. And then you left, and it got real,realbad for me, Bea.”

Her breath hitches, and a tear rolls down her face. “What are you saying?” she whispers quietly, her voice shaky like she almost doesn’t want to know.

Bringing my hand up, I gently cup her face to ease the pain I am about to inflict on her.

But she needs to know.

My heart hammers in my chest at the hazy memory, but I exhale and prepare to tell her. “About a year after you left, you were doing well at college, and Theo was leaping ahead in his internship while I was wasting away in my bedroom, still trying to cope with all that loss. Jason, Theo…you.Mom and Dad were supportive and had me going to therapy, but nothing was helping. I felt lonely and a waste of space to society.”

Bea’s fingers gently rub up and down my chest, her eyes glistening with tears. “I had no idea you were that bad… I’msosorry.”

Grimacing, I shake my head. “It gets worse, Bea… I got low. I didn’t know my place in the world without Jason and you besideme. It got to the point where I figured, what was the point?” I hold out my forearms to her and point to the two tattoos of Norse writing covering the scars on my wrists. Her watering eyes meet mine, and a clear understanding of what I’m saying ripples through her as her fingers slide out, running over my scars. Her body shudders, her bottom lip trembling with her emotion. “How close was it?” she whispers.

My muscles sink, and I swallow hard. “I was in the hospital for a week. They had to give me a blood transfusion to get my levels back up…” I pause for a moment, trying to keep my balance. “From there, I went into a psychiatric facility for a while. A long while. Until my doctors thought I was ready to come back out into the world.”

Her eyes widen, a terrified expression crossing her features as she moves to sit. Her breathing quickens as I face her. “Alex… you should have called me. I would have come straight back home.”

My eyes drop from hers. “I gave up on everything, on everyone, Bea. I didn’t want to drag you down with me. Not when you were off in San Jose living a great life.”

She reaches out, grabbing my hands and forcing me to snap my eyes up to hers. “It wasn’t a great life, Alex. I was miserable.Sure, I had Theo and a group of friends, but theonlything I was excited about was receiving an email fromyou.To think I could have lost you…” She bursts into a full river of tears, and I reach out, grab her, and pull her to me tightly.

“I’m okay, baby. I got onto a regime of antidepressants, which I still take now to keep my head straight, and being a part of the club has helped. Belonging to something and having a band of brothers to support me has been the lifeline I didn’t know I needed.”

She sniffles, glancing up at me, the regret clearly visible in her eyes. “I am so glad you found a home here. And that it’s myhome now too. But I wish I stood up to my parents back then. That they didn’t pressure me to head off to San Jose to be with Theo. I should have been better for you. I should have been the girlfriend I wanted to be. Andshouldn’thaveleft you when you needed me the most. I willneverforgive myself for that, Alex.”

Bringing my hand up to her cheek, I caress her face. “Everything happens for a reason. I believe that now. You had to leave for San Jose to learn everything you could to start your app. If you didn’t go, you would never have created something that helps so many people.”

Her shoulders slump, reaching for my hands, turning them over. “If I didn’t leave,thiswouldn’t have happened,” she states, her thumbs grazing over my tattoos, covering my scars again.

Weakly smiling, I shrug. “The thing is, Bea, these Norse words written across my scars, do you know what they say?” I ask. She shakes her head, and I continue, “On my left wrist, it says ‘Stay.’ On my right, it says ‘Strong,’ and it’s written in the language of Loki from Norse mythology. Not to be confused with Loki from Marvel.”

She smiles. “No, of course not. We wouldn’t want to get those confused,” she teases.

Grinning, I peer over her shoulder to the same picture of Jason I have in my den of when we were kids, dressed up at Halloween. He was Loki—from Marvel, in this case—and I was Freddy Krueger. She follows my line of sight, a small smile crossing her lips. “Jason is the reason your road name is Loki, isn’t it?” she asks, turning back to face me.

Nodding, a genuine smile lights my face. “Yeah. It’s to honor him, and these tattoos are to remind me to ‘stay strong’ every single day and fight for the life he didn’t get to have.”

Another tear slowly slides down her face. “I wasn’t there for you after Jason. I wasn’t there when you went through your own hell. I amsooo… fucking… sorry.”

“We sure did fuck this up, didn’t we?”

Bea stops just before her lips touch mine. “Maybe… but I think we’re getting this new part right, don’t you?”

I slide my hand up into the back of her hair, gripping tightly, and pull her lips to mine, kissing her much more passionately this time.

She is my everything.

She always has been.

And always will be.

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