Page 54 of Suspicious

Wishing I could have been enough.

For him.

For Bea.

It’s like no matter how fucking hard I tried, I fell short for both of them.

In Jason’s case, it cost his life.

And with Bea—fuck! I don’t even know what the hell is going on with us. All I know is we’ve never been the same. And it all comes down to the same problem.

I’mnotworthy.

It could just be my depression talking. Sometimes, that beast rears its ugly head more often than usual. But when the common denominator in other people’s lives is you, then generally, that’s a pretty strong indicator.

Turning back to the photograph of Jason on the wall, I shake my head, reach into my jeans for my cell, and dial my mom’s number.

I don’t know why, but when I feel this fucking shit, Mom has always been my go-to. The phone rings a few times, and then she answers, “Alex? Are you really calling me again so soon, or is this a butt dial?”

Snorting out a laugh, I sink into my chair, relaxing a little. “It’s me, Mom.”

“Hmm, well, all right then… hit me with it. What’s going on? You in jail?”

A genuine smile lights my face this time. “Okay, okay, I get it. It’s weird for me to be calling again this quickly. I know I leave it too long between calls,” I reply honestly.

She sighs down the line. “Oh, honey. I’m guessing this is Bea-related?”

Hesitating, I rub my bearded chin but then decide to lay it all out on the line. “The other night, when you told me to go out and enjoy the party… I did. And when I did, I found Beareallyenjoying the party. Maybe a littletoomuch. Anyway, I took her to my room to sober her up. I had to throw her in the shower completely clothed to get her to stop fighting me. But once she calmed down, we had a moment... a really good fucking moment, Mom. It felt likeusagain.”

“Well, isn’t that a good thing, honey?” Mom asks.

Snorting out a laugh, I shake my head. “You’d think. But the next morning, I woke up and left her in bed to sleep off the hangover, and then when I saw her in the clubroom, she hadabsolutely no recollection of the night before. The alcohol wiped it all clean. The moment we shared and our connection we had just gotten back had vanished… just like that.”

“Oh no, Alex,” she whispers down the line.

“She spent some time with me after that in my den. We had another small moment. We didn’t kiss or do anything this time, but there was definite chemistry. But something happened. Her eyes glassed over like she was remembering something. Then she freaked and took off.Literally.She left the clubhouse for two days and has only just shown up again a little while ago, though I haven’t talked to her yet. I’ve been in meetings since she arrived.”

Mom tuts her tongue to the roof of her mouth. “Well, honey. I can’t say specifically what Bea’s intentions are, but the fact she came backhasto mean something. Maybe she wants to make up for lost time? You two were inseparable, and I thought you were the end game. Jason would be cheering you on. Youknowhow much he adored Bea.”

My stomach churns, and I nod. “They were great friends. He really did adore her.”

“I know, honey, but you,youlove her. You always have. If you have your chance at it, make it work, Alex.”

Exhaling, I clench my eyes. “But what about Theo, Mom? He’s never known about me and Bea.”

Mom lets out a chuckle. “He’s your best friend, darling. Give him a little credit… hemightsurprise you.”

“Or he might kill me.”

Mom laughs loudly this time. “He might. But wouldn’t it be worth finding out… for Bea?”

Exhaling, I slump back in my chair with a hell of a lot to think about. “I gotta go, Mom.”

“Okay, honey. Have a good day. We love you.”

“Love you, too… and thank you. For always being here forme.”

“That is my one job in life, darling. To always be here for you… any time you call. Whether it be every couple of days or every few months.”

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