Page 8 of Forever My Soldier

I heard her chuckle. “Dear, you’re exactly what he needs right now. You have no idea how much he still loves you, do you?”

I knew Mary’s insistence was coming from a good place, but Deacon did not still love me. There was no way. And even if he did, he certainly wouldn’t be feeling the same way had he known the secret I’d been keeping from him all this time.

I knew that when Mary called about his accident I’d promised to open up to him and share everything if only I was given the chance and he survived. However, it turned out I was a liar because I couldn’t do it. It wouldn’t do him any good knowing. Mary and I agreed years ago that it would only tear him up inside, like it did me. We both kept it from him, so it would be useless to spill my guts now.

It was easier to just let him go and start a new life, one that didn’t include him or the love we once shared.

I walked through the lobby and left the hotel without looking back. “Jenna, you still there?” Mary questioned.

Grateful for her and not wanting to let her down, I replied, “Not today, okay? Maybe tomorrow. That way he’ll have time to get acclimated.”

I imagined her rolling her eyes. “You work tomorrow,” she said, knowing all too well I was just putting it off. “Jenna, I know what you’re doing. It’s not going to work. It’s never going to be easy. You have to just rip the Band-Aid off.”

Tears burned my eyes. I was never very good at hiding things from her, so I didn’t bother trying now. “Mary, I don’t think I can. What if you’re wrong? What if he feels nothing for me? I couldn’t stand it. Please, can’t you see where I’m coming from? I screwed everything up and my life is more of a mess now than it was back then. All he’ll see when he looks at me will be disappointment. I can’t have that, it’ll break my heart.”

“What’s wrong, Jenna? This doesn’t sound like you. You know Deacon won’t care about any of that. And I know you still love him. Time and distance doesn’t always change that.” She wasn’t wrong about the way I felt. I would always love Deacon, until the day I took my last breath. But that didn’t necessarily mean she was right that nothing else changed, because it had. Too much had.

I couldn’t remember where I parked my car and began walking around in circles. “Where did I park?” I whispered to myself.

“What was that?” Mary asked.

“Oh, sorry, not you. I was talking to myself.”

“Just come, Jenna. You won’t regret it. I have to get the house ready for when Deacon arrives, and I really don’t want to play dirty, but you’ve left me no choice. If you don’t stop by, then you leave me no choice.”

“No choice but to do what?” I was almost afraid to hear what she’d say, but I had to know what she was talking about.

“But to tell him everything.”

“He doesn’t need to know any of it, Mary.”

“Then I’ll see you in a little bit. And he’ll only know exactly what you choose to tell him.” She hung up right after, not giving me the chance to respond.

Ooh, she wasn’t kidding when she said she’d play dirty.

Chapter Three

Jenna

My hand quiveredas I went to grab my purse from the passenger seat and get out of the car. There before me was the house I spent almost as much time at in high school as I did my own. For so long it was a sanctuary for me, a place to go and feel at peace, feel happy and loved. And it wasn’t just Deacon, it was his whole family. Was I really ready to walk back into that only to walk away again? Could I handle it?

Before I could fully push the door shut, I tugged it back open.This is such a bad idea.“This is a mistake,” I said to myself. I nearly kicked my own ass with my wedges.

There was also a time when I was going to bepartof this family. I couldn’t torture myself with feeling like that could happen. Those kinds of delusions were dangerous and would do me no good. But this was about Deacon, not me. Why was I turning it into anything but that?

Because I’m a foolish woman.

Nope, I’m not doing it. I can’t do it. I got back in the car and tossed my purse back on the passenger seat. “That’s it, I better leave before someone sees me,” I said in the empty space.

But I couldn’t bring myself to actually start the car.

Dammit.

I pulled down the vanity mirror to check my makeup and there it was—suddenly the girl staring at back me was my teenage self. She was still in there, just dying to see her first love again. And that was how I got here. That pull that would forever be there, between us, like a magnet.

Just as much as that was there, though, so were all those feelings of insecurity, doubt and self-loathing for even coming here.

I pushed the mirror back up and tapped my foot against the brake pedal anxiously. I wiped my sweaty palms on my dark blue skinny jeans. Which only made me obsess over what I had chosen to wear, of course. I’d always been somewhat of a diva, drooling over the latest collections from my favorite designers, but when I leaned into my parents’ world and saw more success in my career, I became even more bougie. I guessed I could be perceived as pretentious, and that was exactly what I didn’t want Deacon to see when he looked at me.

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