Page 9 of Forever My Soldier

Why was I still deliberating this? All I had to do was start the car and never look back. I was willing to take the risk that Mary would tell her son the truth. And if she did, at least I wouldn’t be around to see the look on his face. He’d never come to see me, that was for sure, because once he knew everything, I highly doubted he’d want to hear from me, let alone come to see me.

Then I remembered the promise I made to myself if Deacon came home safe and sound. The memory nagged at me.If Deacon’s brought home safe and sound, then I will go to see him. I will face the one person I haven’t been able to face through this entire thing. And maybe if we have enough time together, I’ll tell him the whole truth.

That was exactly what I swore to myself when Mary called to tell me about his accident. I had to do this. And I owed it to him after all this time. He deserved to know that we made a baby. But that wasn’t the whole truth. He needed to know that I never stopped writing to him, and that when he sent me letters and thought they went unanswered, that wasn’t necessarily the case. I just couldn’t bring myself to send mine. They were sitting in a Jimmy Choo shoebox in my closet, where I thought they’d always remain.

Feeling a certain kind of resolve I hadn’t felt in a long time, I decidedly got out of my car and closed the door this time. I sighed as I fixed my sunglasses on my face.This is it. No looking back now.

I didn’t know what to expect when I saw him, but did it really matter? I was getting to see him again after all these years. For a second there, I wasn’t sure I’d ever get this chance. I owed it to both of us to take it now.

My mind began to race with memories I’d tried to forget for so long. This time, though, I couldn’t help but let them play out like movie reels, one of which was particularly interesting to me.

Deacon had one hand on mine on the baseball bat and the other around my waist. “You never know, right? You might actually like playing baseball.”

“Deke, I don’t think I can do this. Last time, the bat went flying with the ball.”

He shook his head and looked at me with those icy-blue eyes. I never could say no to him. “All right, but you have to help me, okay?”

“I’m not going to let you go, okay, princess? I got you.” That was what I loved most—how safe he made me feel.

I closed my eyes just as he instructed me to swing and hit the ball that came at us. I did as he said and hit it out of the park. “Oh my gosh!” I yelled. “I did it!” I opened my eyes, knowing I did it when I heard the ball slam into the bat. I dropped the bat, turned around, and leaped into his arms.

He couldn’t stop laughing. “You’re supposed to run the bases, but this works, too.”

I laughed then, too. “Oh, I guess I missed that. But this is much better anyway.” Still in his arms, my legs wrapped around him, I kissed him.

“It sure is,” he said against my lips.

The voice of a child yelling, “Kick it back!” broke me from my reverie. I turned to see a little boy next door, standing next to a hoop in front of his garage door.

I must’ve looked confused to him because he pointed down to my feet. “My ball!” he yelled again. “Can you kick it back to me, please?”

I couldn’t exactly kick a basketball in these shoes, so instead I bent down, grabbed it, and started to walk it back to him.

“Thanks!” he shouted, running across the yard to retrieve it. “My aim sucks, but my dad says I just have to practice.”

“Definitely,” I encouraged as he went back to playing with the ball, tossing it in the hoop repeatedly. There was no denying the kid was as cute as could be, which was funny to think because there was a time when I didn’t even want kids.

And yet I can’t stop thinking about the baby we lost.

What if we had a son? I could just see Deacon playing with him like that, practicing whatever sport he was interested in. I shook the thought away, though, knowing it would do me no good to let my mind go there and began my walk up to the Ryders’ door.

Standing outside the front door, my finger sitting on the doorbell, my heart skipped a beat and my hands got sweaty again. I could practically hear my heart beating in my chest and tried to ignore it, but failed.

This was what it would’ve felt like.

This was what it would’ve been like to see him after his first tour.

We didn’t need to break up. Why did we break up again?

I didn’t need to lose our baby.

None of it needed to happen.

Everything was so messed up.

I pulled my phone out of my purse when I heard a notification come through. I would use any excuse right now to leave and wondered if I’d get so lucky. Although, it was only a missed call from Michael.

If there was ever a reason to throw caution to the wind and ring the damn doorbell it was now. Michael was a great reminder of all the stupid decisions I’d made since Deacon and I broke up.

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