Page 52 of Forever My Soldier

“From your mouth,” Scarlet said, rubbing her hands together and letting the rest of her words fall off. “Let’s go upstairs. I am seriously obsessed with the way Colton did the nursery. I mean, I helped, but he really did all of the manual labor.”

“As he should,” Sabrina pointed out and I had a feeling I was going to like her. She had a no nonsense way about her, bold, but fun. We’d definitely be fast friends, I knew.

I smiled as we walked up the stairs, me following the girls to the nursery. “It’s just right here,” Scarlet said, pointing to the room across from the master bedroom. “We wanted to make sure we could hear him when he cries in the middle of the night. Figured it was easier if he was across the hall.“

When she opened the door, she exclaimed, “Ta-da!”

I didn’t think anything of it at first, other than how beautiful it all was. But it crept up on and suddenly I was reminded of the day I lost my baby. It was like it was yesterday. I never got to this part, it all ended too soon for me.

Just looking around at the baby’s room made my heart clench with emotion. I closed my eyes and stayed in the doorway as the girls began walking around, touching everything, talking about every little item, every little detail. It was the things that would make up this baby’s new life.

Scarlet sat down in the rocking chair and sighed, a hand on her belly. “I can hardly believe that in a few short months I’ll be sitting in this chair with my baby boy.”

I could feel the tears glisten my eyes and tried to hold them back. The girls didn’t need me to start crying. They didn’t even know about my past. So I looked away for a moment and tried to regain my composure. “Are you all right?” Sabrina asked, coming over to put a hand on my shoulder.

I smiled, not wanting them to worry about me. “I’m fine,” I lied. “I’m so excited for you, Scarlet. Having a baby, it’s just such a blessing.”

She smiled, but cocked her head. “Are you sure you’re okay, sweetie?”

I nodded. “I’m fine, really. Don’t worry about me.”

“Okay,” she said, getting out of the chair. “Come here. I want to show you something.” She opened a drawer and delicately took out a tiny blue blanket. “Mary made it for us. Said she didn’t like knitting all that much, but wanted our baby to have something special, so she took a class.”

“She’s really good,” Sabrina gushed. “I just bought you something from the store. Much better that way.”

I chuckled. This was what I always wanted, a family like this. I sucked in, praying the urge to cry would just go away. “May I?” I asked, holding out my hands to touch the blanket.

Scarlet nodded. “Please. It’s so soft.”

I took it in my hands and held it. It had the words “Baby Ryder” embroidered on it in a darker blue hue. I let my hands roam over the lettering and smiled. So badly I wanted to clutch it to my chest, breathe it in, but resisted.

“How does this thing work?” I heard Sabrina ask, but didn’t turn around, just heard Scarlet walk away from my side and move to see what Sabrina was talking about.

I rubbed my thumbs over the soft fabric and smiled as I closed my eyes and thought of what it would be like had things turned out differently. I wasn’t sure whether I would have made a good mother, but I hoped one day I’d be given the chance. I knew my child would be the center of my world and I would do anything for him or her. It didn’t matter the sex, just that they were healthy and ours.

I liked to believe that the baby I lost was a girl and that she would’ve been a daddy’s girl. We would’ve spoiled her rotten. I’d play with dolls with her and we’d have tea parties. I’d teach her to put on makeup as she grew older and how to act around boys. I’d always want to be a mother figure to her, but also a friend, someone she could talk to. I wanted her to know that I would always be there for her, that she wasn’t alone in this big, scary world, that she had me and her father. Deacon would have made a great father.

When would this feeling go away? Would I ever be able to look at something pertaining to a baby and not want to cry my eyes out or scream on the top of my lungs? They said it got better with time and it did, but at the same time, I always ached for the possibility of what could have been.

A knock on the door had me snapping my head over my shoulder to see who it was. Deacon. “You ladies ready?”

My gaze never left Deacon’s, but I heard Sabrina put something down with a clank and say, “I give up. There’s so much I need to learn before I even consider getting pregnant.”

“There’s so much I still need to learn,” Scarlet said, walking out behind her. Then she turned around, “Hey, just put that back in the drawer before you leave.” She eyed me and I nodded my agreement.

Deacon slowly walked over to me and placed his hands on my shoulders, trailing kisses down my neck. “Come on,” he whispered. “Let’s join the others.”

Nothing more needed to be said. He knew what I was feeling. Frankly, I felt a little stupid because I said I would be fine coming here today, seeing the nursery, but the only thing I did was confirm Deacon’s suspicions—that I wouldn’t be okay.

I opened the drawer and laid the blanket back in, then closed the drawer and looked over my shoulder at him, turning around in his arms. “I thought it was going to be easier.”

He shushed me. “You don’t have to explain. I know I’m going to be an uncle and I still can’t help but thinking what it would have been like if we had our baby. If I was a dad.”

I sighed and closed my eyes for a moment. I wanted to give him that, I really did. I wished I had given him that.

“Should we leave?” he asked.

Shaking my head, I replied, “No. We came here to be part of picking a baby name, so let’s do that.”

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