Page 48 of Forever My Soldier

“You’re hearing back from me now. Can I come in?” She pushed through without waiting for an answer from me. “Do you know what this is?” she asked, shoving a box at my chest, but not releasing it from her clutches, either.

I looked down and raised a brow. “Uh, no. What the hell is that?”

She pursed her lips. “What isn’t this, really?”

“What?”

“You said you wanted to talk and I don’t know what you wanted to talk about, but if it’s about us never seeing each other again and forgetting any of this ever happened, then I can’t do it, Deke. I won’t do it.”

“Okay,” I said, barely following her.

“You want to know everything? It’s all in there. All of my deep, dark secrets about us. I never intended on keeping the news about our baby from you, you have to know that. I just didn’t want to hurt you. I knew that pain all to well and as time went on, it became harder for me to tell you about it because I waited so long.” She closed her eyes and swallowed, taking her first real deep breath since barging in.

“I was never afraid of a little pain, Jenna.”

“No, losing a child is an immense amount of pain. No one should have to feel that. Ever. It’s unbearable, really.”

I looked down at the box and then back at her, her eyes staring into mine intensely, studying me. “You think I don’t know the pain you went through? I saw it in your eyes that night I told you I knew. I could still see it in your eyes now. But,” I stopped before continuing, “sometimes you need to open up and let someone share in your pain so you can start to heal.”

“I should have told you sooner, but it’s too late for that. I can’t go back in time.” She corrected herself, “We can’t go back in time. The only thing we can do now is try to move past this and decide whether or not we have a future.”

“Do you want a future with me?” I felt like I already knew the answer, but I needed to hear it from her.

“Yes!” She looked shocked, her mouth hanging open. “Deke, that is all I have ever wanted. To be with you,” she clarified. “I know I tried to push you away when you first came back, but you had to know how I felt. It’s just, by that point, I—“

“Feared I’d find out about the baby?”

She nodded, tears in her eyes. “And leave me.”

“Which I did.”

“It wasn’t your fault, though.”

She walked closer, went on her tiptoes, and brushed a light kiss on my cheek. Then she backed up and put the shoebox in my hands, finally releasing her grip on it. “Take a look, dig through the whole damn thing. I’ll just be upstairs in your room, ready to talk whenever you are, okay?”

I nodded and turned my head to watch her leave. I grabbed her elbow and spun her around before she did. “Hey,” I said. “Just so you know, I still love you, princess.”

The color of her cheeks deepened and she smiled. “I love you, too.” Then I watched her go upstairs and only turned back to the box when I knew she was gone.

I sat down on the couch and made myself comfortable, leaning forward as I put the box on the coffee table. I stared at it like it was a foreign object I had no idea what to do with. I knew to find out what I wanted to know I had to open the lid. She told me this box contained everything she had been keeping from me. That this box was the reason she came over here today. I needed to know what was in it. What was she keeping in it that had such an impact on her?

Oh, screw it.I took the lid off the box and revealed a whole slew of crap. Letters upon letters. Photos. Stickers. It was like a hoarder’s dreamland in this damn thing. What the hell was Jenna doing with all of this?

There was a stack of what looked like hundreds of letters wrapped in a soft pink ribbon. I untied it and began flipping through them. My mind began reeling, realization that these letters were intended for me hitting me over the head like a sledgehammer.

I ripped one open and couldn’t help myself. The pink paper brought back a flood of memories that made my heart clench in my chest.

My love,

I know we broke up, but sometimes I wish we didn’t. Sometimes I wish so many things. That life was different. That you were here, with me.

I never thought I’d say this, but my life is sort of boring without you in it. I always thought it a miracle that you even gave me a second look. Me, the girl who didn’t live on the edge, who needed order and structure in her life. We were like polar opposites, yet there you were asking me out. The leather jacket-wearing, soon-to-be-motorcycle-riding boy asking me, the academic cheerleader, out on a date. It makes my heart beat faster just remembering those days. They were such simpler times.

I had a plan, you know? I was going to ace high school, excel at my studies, go to law school, graduate summa cum laude, of course, and be the good girl my parents always wanted me to be. I was going to live up to their expectations and make them proud. I always wanted to hear those words, “I’m proud of you, Jenna.” Pathetic, I know. I’m rolling my eyes just writing this.

Anyway, all that changed when I met you. None of that seemed to matter anymore. Nothing seemed to matter, but being with you, being your girlfriend.

Even to the day you left, I feared you would come to your senses that we’re too different and leave me. I didn’t think I could come back from a loss that great.

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