Page 3 of Forever My Soldier

Mary sighed. “Oh, dear, you don’t have to pretend with me. I know these things take time.”

When I didn’t answer, only nodded, she went on. “If you don’t mind me asking, does any part of you still love him?”

My eyes widened with shock. That wasn’t an easy question to answer. Of course, I still loved him. But it was complicated. I looked down at the eggs for a welcome distraction. I wanted to be honest with her, so she understood where I was coming from. “I don’t think I’ll evernotlove your son.”

However, I couldn’t think about that right now.

At least I wastryingnot to think about any of it.

I had a feeling with this baby on the way all I was going to think about was my love for Deacon, his family, and how my baby and I were going to fit into all of it. Although, the more I thought about it, the more I was overcome with emotion. This was quickly becoming one of those times.

I peered down at my stomach and smiled, not for the first time today, wondering how I could keep this secret from any of them any longer, but especially Mary. I was never any good at keeping secrets.

Mary deserved to know that she was going to be a grandmother to a beautiful baby girl or boy. Secretly I hoped for a girl, one that I can share my love of fashion with and stay up all hours of the night when she got older and gossip about true love and drama between her and her friends. A giggle almost escaped me just thinking about it.

Deacon. Oh, he would want a boy. Or maybe he’d want a girl.

Then it hit me.

We never really talked about any of that.

I mean, there was no reason to. He left when we were still so young. Of course, we’d talked about never being with anyone else but each other. Heck, we loved each other unconditionally. But kids? We never really talked about it. I knew he wanted them, but how many? Boys or girls?

My heart began racing just thinking about it and I thought I may have a panic attack. I couldn’t do this, not alone. I needed him. Damn, Deacon had to be here for this.

Mary must’ve noticed the change in me because she looked worried as she asked, “Are you okay, Jenna?”

I needed a paper bag, but I didn’t say anything, just nodded, trying to keep my breathing even, my heart rate down. I didn’t need to go getting all nervous or panicked right now. There was no way any of that could be good for my baby.

This was all I’d ever wanted, really. I yearned for a big family like the Ryders. Their holidays were always filled with so much love and laughter. And soon I was going to welcome a new Ryder into the world.

And, who knew, one day maybe I’d become a Ryder myself. This baby gave me hope of that. But was it foolish to think?

I watched Mary go back and forth from the fridge to the counter, putting away ingredients she’d already used. She was so caring, so compassionate. She deserved to know.But before Deacon?It didn’t feel right, but I wasn’t exactly sure when I’d get to tell him. I had to tell someone, though, and Mary was always so good to me. That was it. I had to tell her. I didn’t want to wait another second. Maybe then I could talk these things through aloud with someone else, instead of making my head spin with everything running through it.

I took a deep breath and tried to steady my breathing. When I was calmer, I started, “Mary, I—“

A sharp pain ripped through me and I immediately put a hand on my stomach. I didn’t know what was going on. I tried not to worry, though, thinking perhaps it was just a bout of gas.

“I’m just going to use your bathroom,” I said, excusing myself and trying to act as casual as possible. I didn’t wait around to see if she’d heard me, just left and made a beeline straight for the bathroom.

The fierce pain was subsiding, but I knew something still wasn’t right. “It can’t be,” I whispered, terrified by what was happening. When I closed the bathroom door behind me, I looked down to see I was bleeding.

“No,” I cried out loudly.

Mary rapped on the door. “Jenna, what’s wrong?”

I could hardly stand on my own two feet as the pain came back, this time causing me to release the scream I’d been holding back earlier.

“Jenna,” she said as she opened the door to find me nearly on the floor at this point.

“Please help me,” I rasped. “I’m pregnant.”

Mary gasped.

“It’s Deacon’s,” I confessed through tears. Not that it mattered anymore.

Neither of us spoke after that, we didn’t need to. It all become a blur to me. By the time I got to the hospital, they confirmed what I already suspected.

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