Page 33 of Sassy & Sixty

But Emma was on a roll. "I'm just saying, darling, you deserve someone who appreciates you. Someone who won't run off with his midlife crisis on legs."

"Here, here!" Maria chimed in, waving a box of Weetabix for emphasis. "Men are like cereals. You think you want the sugary, exciting one, but in the end, you're better off with the reliable bran that keeps you regular!"

This profound statement was met with raucous laughter and a round of applause that echoed through the store.

"Ladies, please," Rosie pleaded, torn between mortification and the urge to laugh along with them. "Let's try to keep it down, shall we?"

This was a shop she frequented regularly, as did Derek, and she imagined Mike did too. They all lived so near to one another. Perhaps she was being paranoid, but she felt it was one thing laughing and joking about this in private but she didn’t want to be overheard laughing about it in public.

“Are you OK?” asked Emma. “Have I upset you?”

“No. I just feel awkward chatting about it all in public. Everyone I know uses this supermarket, I don’t want to be heard mocking Derek or anything. He’s Mary’s father. I just feel awkward about it.”

There was something else as well. While the others all felt she should throw herself into Mike’s arms, she felt huge warmth towards Derek. She was torn. She wanted time to think about it all in private and not debate it in the middle of a crowded supermarket.

“Sure,” said Emma. “You’re right. I won’t mention it again.”

As they moved round to the freezer section, Catherine leaned over and looked at the frozen vegetables.

"You know. I haven't had sex in so long, I think my lady bits might have frozen over. Just like those cauliflower florrets.”

Julie nearly choked on the cheese sample she'd been munching. "Catherine!" she gasped, equal parts scandalized and amused. "I never knew you had it in you!"

"That's the problem," Catherine replied mournfully. "Nothing's been in me for years."

This set them off again, their laughter bouncing off the freezer doors and causing a group of teenagers to stare at them in a mixture of horror and fascination.

Rosie, who had been attempting to shop amidst the chaos, realised they had attracted the attention of a stern-looking man in a manager's uniform. He was striding towards them with purpose, his face set in a disapproving frown.

"Oh dear," Rosie murmured. "Ladies, I think we might be in trouble."

But the others were oblivious, now engaged in a heated debate about the merits of various personal lubricants they had spotted in the health and beauty aisle.

"Excuse me, ladies," the manager said as he reached them, his voice clipped. "I'm going to have to ask you to lower your voices. We've had complaints from other customers about the... nature of your conversation."

Emma, never one to back down from authority, drew herself up to her full height (which, admittedly, wasn't very imposing). "Now see here, young man," she began, jabbing a finger at his chest. "We are paying customers, and we have every right to discuss whatever we please. Just because some prudes can't handle a bit of frank discussion about sexual health-"

"Emma!" Lisa interjected, trying to salvage the situation. "I'm so sorry, sir. We'll keep it down, won't we, ladies?"

There was a mumbled chorus of agreement, though Rosie noticed Emma rolling her eyes dramatically.

The manager nodded stiffly. "I’d be grateful if you would. This is a family shop. We have to be mindful of all our customers."

As he walked away, Emma muttered, "Family shop, my arse. Where do they think families come from? The stork?"

This set them off again, their laughter only slightly muffled by their attempts to contain it.

Rosie, sensing disaster on the horizon, tried to steer them towards the checkouts. "Come on, let's pay for these and head home. I think we've had quite enough excitement for one day."

But fate, it seemed, had other plans. As they rounded the corner into the toiletries aisle, they came face to face with none other than David, Maria's estranged husband, accompanied by a young woman who was most definitely not his colleague. She looked suspiciously like the woman they had seen him in the park with.

The silence that fell was deafening. Maria, her eyes wide with shock, stood frozen, a pack of toilet paper clutched to her chest like a shield. David looked like he'd seen a ghost - or rather, seven very tipsy ghosts, all staring at him accusingly.

It was Emma who broke the silence. "Well, well, well," she said."If it isn't the man of the hour. Tell me, David, does your little friend here know you're married?"

The young woman looked bewildered, her eyes darting between David and the group of women who were now forming a protective circle around Maria.

David, to his credit, looked thoroughly ashamed. "Maria," he began, "I can explain."

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