Page 52 of Quiet Chaos

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“Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.” 2 Timothy 2:22

Sky - February 2020

Patsy and I are baking cookies to bring to the club. Cade’s birthday is in four days, on Valentine’s Day, which means I also need to bake a cake. He is working and going to the club. Flour covers the countertop to keep the dough from sticking. Cookie sprinkles line the end of the counter. Patsy and I each hold two different cookie cutters. Pressing down into the dough, we pull up the form and place the cookies on a sheet. This process repeats until several sheets are full. In the oven, we decide to take a break and have a tea.

She hugs her mug while telling me how Reed bought her a beautiful diamond bracelet last Valentine’s Day. The way she speaks about him in such a loving manner makes me want this kind of relationship for myself. Sometimes I even imagine Cade and I married. Soon she drifts into a more personal discussion about intimacy. It’s the perfect moment for me to confide in her. To ask questions about things I know nothing about. Living in a convent, I missed out on young social interactions, social media, to learn about these things. Patsy is a great friend who hasn’t judged me.

My mind drifts back to Christmas when Lashes and Howler were talking about eating out and anal. It’s involuntary, but as soon as either comes to mind, my legs and butt cheeks squeeze together. I become fidgety. The idea of sex is so foreign to me, and adding the other things has my heart racing.

Before I lose my nerve, I blurt out, “Please tell me about sex.”

“What? I assumed I was making you uncomfortable talking about sex with Reed.”

My head shakes hard. “The whole subject makes me uneasy.” I let out a nervous laugh. “But I want…uh…about…”

“Like I’ve said before—”

“I mean, the act.” I avert her eyes. “What’s done? What it’s like?” Then I look at her. “What’s expected of the woman?”

Her head inclines to the left. “Sky? Are you thinking about having sex with Cade?”

I’m searching for a response from the floor, refrigerator, outside, but ultimately, I come back to her. “I’ve been thinking about it. There’s no one else for me to talk to. And the act itself…I’m ignorant of.” My eyes sag, pleading for sympathy because I feel stupid to even have to ask. “Some people learn from friends, the internet, but friends are scarce, and I don’t want to learn about sex from strangers.”

She scoots closer, wearing a smile. “What’s the question again?”

“Sex. Like what’s the process, and what to expect.”

Patsy sighs. “It’s different for everyone. Some guys are more wham, bam, thank you ma’am and others are into foreplay.”

“Wham, bam, thank you ma’am?”

“Yeah. Someone who just wants to…fuck. Get in and get out.”

I bite my lower lip, preparing for the answer. “Do you know which one Cade is?”

She gathers her thoughts before proceeding. “He’s more the wham, bam, type, but that’s because none of them were you.”My eyebrows knit together. “Cade cares for you, Sky. It’s obvious to everyone. I’ve never seen him act the way he does with you. You’re different, and for God’s sake, he kissed you. That alone separates you from everyone else.”

The buzzer goes off. I check the cookies, transfer them to a metal grate, and we cut out cookie dough, while Patsy tells me about sex. She explains foreplay, how sex will most likely hurt the first time, and to allow the natural flow of things.

The idea of my mouth on his penis or his on my sex creates a collision of fear and exhilaration. For one, I can’t imagine looking him in the eye after his face has been between my legs, yet an unusual wetness occurs. The thought changes to my mouth on him. Many months have passed since I accidentally saw his erection. I remember how jumbo it is and picturing it in my mouth or vagina has my hands ball into fists and press into my stomach. I’m not sure this will happen. The more I consider his oversized penis, the more I disconnect from the possibility of losing my virginity to him.

And then there’s anal. I refuse to do it. And if I refuse, will Cade get rid of me? Will I be expendable because it’s something he wants? Something he needs? Since the discussions from Christmas, I wondered what other things I’m not aware of. What other sexual acts does Cade like that will surprise, hurt, or embarrass me? This obsession could be a sign for me to erase it from my mind.

“Sky, are you alright?”

I sit back against the chair. “Yes, why do you ask?”

“Because your face paled.”

My head shakes as I say, “I’m not sure any of this is a good idea. There’s so much I don’t know, and…well, considering Cade’s sizable penis it kind of wipes out the impulse.”

Her head falls back while she laughs. I gaze at her, head angled over my shoulder, waiting for her to stop and explain her reaction.

“Oh, Sky. No one knows what they’re doing the first time. It’s all reflex and understanding each other’s bodies. You’re not the first person oblivious to sex and all its inner workings.” She pauses and then points a finger at me. “But the big question I have is, how do you know Cade has a sizeable penis?”

A blush runs up my neck and over my face. “I didn’t actually see it in the flesh. After my accident, I was in his bed and noticed his erection. He thought I was sleeping.”

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