Page 39 of Quiet Chaos

She lets out a snort. “Josie is a slut, plain and simple. She sleeps around with several club members, including Cade. They fucked around on and off for two years. She’s in love with him, but Cade wants nothing to do with her.”

Before thinking about it, I ask, “What’s it like?”

“What’s what like?”

My right hip shifts to the side. I purse my lips and then say, “Sex.”

In true Patsy form, she answers and doesn’t question.

“It depends on who you’re with. How you feel about each other. I was eighteen the first time I did it and it hurt. Unfortunately, it wasn’t Reed. When you love and care for your partner, the sensation is indescribable. It’s the closest you can get to another person.”

I offer a smile, leaving myself open to her questions. “Do these questions have anything to do with Cade?”

I turn too fast, grabbing a hold of my ribs, and swallow the pain. After some breaths I say, “No, not at all. I want to lose my virginity to my husband.”

She stands, straightening out the branches of a table Christmas tree. “Don’t you want to sample the merchandise first before committing?”

I gasp at her comment. Patsy lets out a belly laugh, pointing at me, and the next thing I know, I’m joining her, bent over, hugging my ribs. Tears seep from the sides of our eyes as we wipe them away.

“Thank you, Patsy. I appreciate you giving me insight into Cade and answering a personal question.”

“No problem, hon. You can ask me anything.”

We move around the rooms, placing decorations, garland, and lights around the windows. We setup a battery-operated Santa whoHo Ho Hoswhen you pass by it and the reindeers. Patsy keeps walking past Santa on purpose, both of us laughing, even though it flares the pain.

The guys join us, hammering nails into the walls to hang things. Afterwards, we sit down to eat. I haven’t been this happy since Ms. Adeline and Olivia, who I think of often. Maybe someday I’ll see Olivia again. Until then, I cherish Reed and Patsy’s friendship. I peek over at Cade, whose gaze is on me,and our eyes say it all. A secret dark craving neither one will surrender to for our own reasons.

19

“Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” Hebrews 13:4

Sky - December 2019

Cade and I are spending the day together and plan to take a walk into town. Aside from Thanksgiving, I haven’t been out since my assault. I asked Cade if we could get out of the house so I could grow comfortable being around people again. I’m wearing jeans, boots, a T-shirt and a sweater. My wrapped scarf is up to my chin, gloves covering my hands, and my waist-length puffy coat keeps me toasty warm. Cade dresses more for summer. In his usual attire, he dons a black T-shirt, fitted whitewash jeans, black boots, a black aviator coat, and sunglasses. It suits him.

In town, we stop at the grocery store for some things for dinner. We pass the Playhouse Theatre near the Garden City Park. The sky is a beautiful shade of blue with drifting cumulus clouds. Armstrong runs ahead of us while Cade and I walk next to each other in silence. His build overshadows mine—a solar eclipse. He has his hands tucked into his coat pockets. To warm up, we go into a café for coffee and a cinnamon roll for me. Armstrong stands outside the window we’re sitting at, tongue hanging out, wanting to come in. I pick at my cinnamon roll, tear a piece off, and let Armstrong enjoy.

Back at the table, Cade shakes his head and says, “You spoil him.” I shrug.

By the time we get back to the house, it’s mid-morning, and a whole day ahead. Cade suggests a ride to Antelope Island State Park, not too far from Salt Lake City. I lived in the city for a few years, yet I saw little, so I bring my phone for pictures. The radio is on, and I hum toLife is a Highway by Tom Cochrane.Patsy has played it several times and I’ve grown to like it. From my peripheral, I see Cade glimpsing over with what Patsy calls a ‘shit-eating’ grin. Although I avoid the term, it’s fitting for his smile.

While following the landscape as it zooms by my window, I say, “I’m thinking of giving Chester a call. My injuries are close to healed and it’s time I make money again.”

His eyebrow lifts. “Are you sure? You’re not completely healed, and then there’s the mental aspect of it.”

“I need to face my fears.”

He swallows before saying, “I think you should wait. Heal. Maybe talk to someone about what happened.”

My head presses against the bottom of the headrest. “Cade, I owe you so much money and—”

“If that’s the reason, don’t bother going back. I did it to help you out.”

“Yes, I know. I’m so grateful. But I’ll never leave your house if I can’t save money to move out.” He doesn’t argue anymore.

The island is in sight, and it’s stunning. We’re on a curvy road on flat land, but the snow-covered mountains jutting upwards take my breath away. We drive on one side of it and stop often for pictures. My mouth drops open when I see buffalo grazing around the area. My finger can’t press the camera button fast enough. Cade stands with his hands tucked into his jeans, taking in the area, and occasionally glancing my way. He’s not one to show enthusiasm or happiness. Cade usually wears a solemnexpression. I wish he would open up. He carries too much in his head and heart and won’t let it out. I’d like to take some of the burden off him.

I’m standing close to the water, leaning on a wooden plaque packed with information about the surroundings. He’s feet behind me, but his heat warms my back.

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