Page 31 of Quiet Chaos

Cade knocks on the door, yet I can’t answer him. The storm within is making me dizzy until Cade says he’s coming in. I shoutfor him not to, but the door slowly opens. Through breaths and hiccups, I ask him to please leave which he does.

It doesn’t help my situation and I can’t think. All that’s going on in my body puts me in a tearful daze. I’m numb yet throb. Cade is here again, crouching in front of me. His large hands are soothing and cover most of my head. Good. I’m so tired. I’m breathing in and out with him, and I find my head pressing into one of his hands. Let this end. Let me sleep.

He asks, “Did you pee on the floor?”

This wakes me a bit. Shame tugs my lip down. He consoles me before the floodgates open again. I explain what happened. Instead of being disgusted, he brushes it off as if it’s a piece of lint on his sleeve. When I think it can’t get worse, Cade explains that he’s the only one to assist. Help undress me. He’ll see me naked. Aside from the hospital stay when I was unconscious, or the nurse, no one has seen me naked since childhood, not even the sisters.

A thunderbolt of emotions causes my body to turn into an earthquake. Then Cade places his forehead against mine and I stop. An intimate gesture, it catches me off guard, and a soft warmth runs from my head to my toes. Adding to this cherished moment, he kisses my forehead when I accept his help. Before I can react, Cade tells me he’s going to remove my sweats.

My heart races. Riddled with the pinprick of nerves, I know there aren’t any other options, so I squeeze my eyes closed and press my hands on the toilet seat. Cade’s thick fingers grip my sweats and lower them down. His large hands that could probably hurt me more than Christoff, only comfort me.

I’m standing, naked from the waist down, except his large presence can’t see my bottom half as close as we’re standing. He faces me away from him and my butt brushes against something hard. It clicks that it might be his penis. I tense. This should freak me out…yet it doesn’t. An underlying warmthspreads from the knowledge I arouse Cade, and that scares me. I shouldn’t find pleasure in his body since we’re not a couple or married. Or I shouldn’t want Cade to find me desirable. Or maybe I do, which only has me saying to God,forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

Cade explains he’s going to remove my shirt. The pain is in the background while insecurities and virtue come to the front. Cade will see me in the flesh.Isaiah, “Your nakedness will be uncovered, Your shame also will be exposed.”

Isaiah’s words freeze me. With the removal of my shirt, he will see my shame and disgrace will fall upon me. Cade’s fingertips stop, his warmth pampering my skin, so I accept my fate by raising my arm. With a lift and slide, I have nothing protecting me from Cade’s eyes, his hands, the delivery of sin.

He stands behind me in the shower. I close my eyes, as he suggests, and imagine I’m tending the garden at the convent. I’m holding a water can, sprinkling the flowers…Cade’s hand holds a washcloth, wiping down my arms. His actions keep cutting into my memories. I return my thoughts to the garden. The petals of a flower are between my fingers. His hand interrupts again as it runs along my breasts. My breath catches from a foreign sensation. Cade’s caress awakens lustful cravings, and my nipples perk up. I shake my head to bring myself back to the garden. I’m putting roses in a vase, fanning out their petals, and…I gasp and my back hits his chest. Cade’s hand is between my legs, brushing apart my lower lips. My core is hot. What’s happening? I’m wet like a broken fire hydrant. The beast of sin wants to clamp down and tear away whatever good I have in me. It’s wrong of my body to react this way.

Thank goodness it doesn’t last long. Soon, I have a towel around me, sitting on the vanity. My eyes remain closed, hoping to block out my embarrassment of my nakedness. Also, my desire for him. A desire I should ignore. He leaves for a moment.Sleep weighs on my eyes. This took a toll on me physically and emotionally that I’m unable to worry about anything else. Cade returns with one of his button-down shirts, suggesting it will be easier to put on and remove.Matthew, Naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me.Cade has clothed and taken care of me.

This adds more confusion to the mix. First, I believe my nakedness and reaction to Cade is sin, and then I think what a savior Cade has been to me. How am I to decipher what is truly sin? Of course, my nakedness was my doing. I followed Christoff and let him harm me, which left me unable to care for myself. But I cannot look at Cade in any other manner than love because my heart brims from it. A sinful man. A man unattached to anything other than a dog. No matter his explosions toward me. Or his differences. Cade hasn’t cast me onto the streets. He offers me shelter, food, and friendship. How can I not find myself drawn to him? Put aside his wicked ways, and his authentic kindness outshines it.

He sets me up in his bedroom, pillows flooding around me, ice packs easing the pain. I think about everything Cade has selflessly done for me, and wonder,could he be my guardian angel on earth?He mentions he’ll sleep on the couch. I can’t let him do that, so I tell him it’s okay to sleep in the bed. Darkness finally relieves me of thoughts, pain, and shame.

I wake to the nurse Rita, opening the drapes, and in a singsong voice, asks how I’m doing.

“It really hurts. But thank you for asking, Rita.”

She gives me a sympathetic smile. “Unfortunately, broken ribs take time to heal. On a scale from one to ten, how’s the pain?” I respond with a big ten.

For the first time, my eyes take in Cade’s room. Masculine. Dark woods and colors. He has a king-sized bed, pillows covering the headboard. His scent, sturdy and organic likenature, and a sweet drop of bourbon, permeates the air. Draped in black velvet are floor-to-ceiling windows. On two separate walls are two heavily, wooded dressers and a walk-in closet. I snuggle myself deeper into the mattress and take a deep inhale that conjures a smile.

After giving me my medication, walking around the kitchen, and eating, Rita settles me on the couch in the living room, ice packs covering my stomach. Armstrong jumps on the couch, placing his chin on my leg. I scratch behind his ears, where he loves it the most, and then he stands and licks my face. Rita tries to shoo him away, but he ignores her attempts. Instead, he plops down on the other side, his legs draped over my feet. The doorbell rings and Patsy comes over by the chair next to me.

She places a bag on the table and asks, “How are you doing today? I’m sorry I couldn’t make it yesterday. I was working.”

“Patsy, you’ve done so much. Visiting the hospital to relieve Cade to give him a break. Bringing food. You’re a great friend.”

She takes out exceptionally smelling baked goods as she asks, “What happened yesterday? Cade seemed freaked out. He sounded like he ran a marathon.”

I can feel my face blushing from humiliation. “It’s quite embarrassing.”

Patsy hands me a bagel and says, “Oh, honey, nothing can embarrass me.”

“I mean embarrassing forme.”

“It can’t be that bad. Tell me,” as she takes a bite out of her muffin.

I’m picking at the cheese on the bagel, and say, “Well, I had a little accident and it needed cleaning up.”

She choked on crumbs and puts the muffin down. “Did you vomit?”

“Worse.” I cover my mouth with my hand and say, “I peed.”

A loud cackle bursts out of her startling Armstrong to where he jumps off the couch. Her reaction astounds me. I’m shocked she thinks it’s funny.

When her laughter is under control, she asks, “You peed where?”

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