Page 86 of Quiet Chaos

I say, “I’ll cut my hair.”

She shakes her head. Tears linger on her cheeks, and her lips are chapped. “No. You have beautiful hair.”

“So do you.”

Sky glances at the hair in her hand. “I did.”

“Love, I know this won’t make you feel better, but it will grow back. Fortunately for you, your eyes will get all the attention now.” She lets out a crying laugh, and I kiss her tears. My eyes meet hers. “Do you want me to shave your head? At least you won’t have to deal with clumps of hair. I’ll buy you wigs, scarfs, whatever you want on your head.”

She turns to me with those gorgeous amber eyes, lighter than bourbon, but strong enough to get drunk on. “Do you think that would be best?”

“Mentally, yeah. At least it will all be off and not in clumps. You can wear hats or bandanas…or wigs...”

“But I’ll look gross. I don’t want you to see me so… naked and sickly.”

I cup her face. “Listen to me. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, that could gross me out or offend me when it comes to you. Do you hear? You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met and being bald won’t change that.”

Sky cries and nods while I hug her closer to my chest. I wait for her to accept the idea and shave her head.

Another week and her ashen complexion, bald head, chapped lips, and deep-set dark circles under her eyes are crushing me. It’s a Saturday and Patsy comes over and I take off. I’m a selfishprick for abandoning her today, but she doesn’t look like she’s getting better. She resembles my mother in her last hours.

Without thought, I maneuver my bike along the highway, hours behind me, as I come to a stop and park my bike. I hike to the Devil’s Kitchen platform. Last time here was over a year ago, tossing my dad’s ashes. The place looks desolate. I grip the handrail and look over the vast pillars of red rock, and glance up at the sky. A gorgeous blue sky while my Sky is suffering at home. My nose burns from the prickling of tears, which escape, sliding down my temples.

My head falls back, staring up at the sky as I release my anger. “You’ve taken enough from me! You’re not fucking taking, Sky! She’s mine!” My hands tighten on the rail, white-knuckles, and I kick the dirt with my boot. “I don’t give a fuck what you want. You didn’t answer my prayers when I was eleven, so I sure as fuck am not asking.” I close my eyes and take a deep breath, and offer a last whisper, “She’s mine.”

The sun has moved, indicating late afternoon. I hear another bike stop and the crunching of stones. I’m sitting on the ground, knees bent with my hands holding my head between my legs. The walking stops.

“Cade. You okay, brother?” I shake my head. “Sky’s worried about you.”

I rub my hand over my face to rid myself of tears, and then I glance up at him. My voice scratchy as a rat, I say, “I can’t lose her, Reed.” I cup dirt in my hand and toss it. Tears still fall, and I wipe them away, smearing dirt across my face. “I can’t do this again.”

He crouches down in front of me and places a hand on my shoulder. “She’s a fighter. Don’t give up on her.”

I finally gather myself together, stand, and wipe the dirt off my pants. We walk back to our bikes in silence, arms slung over our shoulders.

By the time we make it home, there is only one light on in the house. Reed and I walk in, peeking into the bedroom, outside, calling out Patsy and Sky’s names. On the kitchen island, I find a note from Patsy.Meet me at the hospital.

I drop the note and watch it twirl to the floor. My chest tightens, making it hard to breathe, so I tear at my shirt, collapsing next to the note. I shouldn’t have left. The same with my mom. When they needed me most, I disappeared. No goodbyes. No, I love you. I hear Reed saying my name, but I don’t know why. My mind is in a haze of grief. Loss strips me of dignity. I let out an animalistic cry, pounding my fists on the ground, screaming for my Sky.

37

Sky – Christmas one year later

The first snowflakes make their appearance this late in the season. Over the past year, I battled cancer and its aftereffects, and in the end, I kicked its ass. I abandoned the idea of work and school, and settled into a light cadence of housework, making healing a priority. My hair is short, but there aren’t any more clumps. The club members were amazing. Even Sister Mary came to stay with us for a couple of weeks to take some of the burden off Cade and help him through his emotional suffering.

It's Christmas morning, and I lay here watching my beautiful Gabriel sleep. I think of everything that’s happened between us. An unlikely couple, who found a way to understand and support what’s important to the other. With his arm over his eyes, purring snores come from slightly opened lips, I take in his nakedness. The sheets rest across his thighs. He’s something to behold and I have the luxury of doing so for the rest of my life.

I remember how exhausted and beaten he was when he found Patsy and me at the hospital. The day was a vomiting battle. I couldn’t keep anything down and was dehydrated. Patsy brought me to the hospital for IV fluids. We were leaving when Reed and Cade pulled into a parking space. Cade got out of the truck, stared in disbelief as he came toward me, falling to his knees and wrapping his arms around me. Sobs wracked his body and my heart fractured at watching his agony. I was shocked at how tormented he was. When he told me about his mother andwhat happened, it all made sense. He assumed he lost me, too. Abandoned me like he claims he abandoned his mom.

Cade can’t get enough of being close to me, and I let him do whatever brings him peace. If needing me near, smelling me, being inside me comforts him, then I’m not about to stop it, especially when I devour it all.

His erection twitches when his eyes open. With a husky, lazy voice, he says, “Good morning.”

I move closer to his face, kiss his lips, and say, “Merry Christmas.” He hugs me close, breathes into my slowly growing hair, kissing the side of my face.

I love this new Cade, who shows his emotions. Not that I didn’t love the old Cade, but the new Cade is open to talking about things that might make him uncomfortable. For a giant of a man, he’s as vulnerable as an abused homeless dog, and it will be my life’s mission to bring him comfort and peace.

My body rolls to the side so I can get ready for church, but Cade hauls me back into him.

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