Page 51 of Quiet Chaos

When we arrive, I hadn’t realized how much I ached from their absence. Outside the gate, I stare inside, a reminder of several years ago when I was leaving the convent. In the corridor, the sisters stand there wide-eyed at us. Actually at Cade, a tree in a field of Forget-Me-Nots. But my tree has the grace to come with his girlfriend, knowing they’ll scrutinize him. I love the man. A simple glance my way and I come undone inside. He’s an example of God’s work,Genesis 2:7, Then the Lord God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature.

Tea is enjoyable until Mother Corinne dismisses Sister Mary and me, which makes me jittery. I don’t want Cade bombarded with questions, yet I know she wants to see for herself he’s a good man. I have no doubt he’ll prove it to her.

Sister Mary and I walk the halls and reach my old room. An older sister now occupies it with the same single bed and dresser. We retreat to the kitchen to find a corner where we can talk and work. I peel potatoes while Sister Mary cuts green beans to soak in water. We work in silence for the time being.

Sister Mary puts her hand over mine. “You look happy, Sky.”

“I am. We have our differences, which get in the way sometimes. We’re trying though.”

She waits before asking, “What seems to be the trouble?”

My face blushes. I don’t think I can talk to her about sex. Pre-marital sex is a mortal sin. It isn’t a subject to discuss with anyone of faith. And then there’s this urge of me to want some sort of redemption for such thoughts because it has entered my mind. I have dreams of us having sex, or what I think is how sex is. Every time I flirt with the idea, whether in sleep or awake,I say a prayer of forgiveness. It’s been a struggle with how my body reacts to him and knowing Cade wants it. Is it something I should do because of all the things he’s done for me? Or maybe I ask that question to protect against my own desires.

Sister Mary pulls me back from thought when she asks, “I notice a tint to your face. My guess is it has to do with sex. You’re both young and in a relationship. Does he want to have sex?”

I can’t meet her gaze. “Yes. He’s seven years older than me and has already had several partners.”

“Several partners? Does that bother you?”

“Yes. Knowing he’s had other women upsets me. There’s nothing I can do about it, though.”

She agrees. “What do you want?”

Now my strained expression is begging for some guidance. “I don’t want to go against God. But I also love Cade. He’s done so much for me…”

Sister Mary puts down the green beans. “Hmm…The Bible is a tricky thing and interpretations are sometimes misguided. Times have also changed.” She takes both my hands in hers. “You’re a beautiful, kind person, Sky. I can’t see God dismissing your commitment to him. I’ve seen too much of your big heart to think otherwise.”

“Pre-marital sex is a mortal sin.” She simply nods as she cuts the green beans. “And if I have sex, then God won’t let me into his kingdom.”

She looks around and places a hand on mine. “Says who? The Bible?”

My mouth drops open from her dismissive comment.

“Listen to me, Sky.” She lowers her voice. “When I joined the sisterhood, I believed every word of the Bible. Damnation. A punishing God. Over time, I watched and read how some of these so-called believers turned the Bible into a weapon.” My eyes keep widening as she speaks. “Now don’t get me wrong, I’mnot promoting pre-marital sex. I’m just saying my views are not as strict as they used to be, and for all the good in you, I can’t see you disgracing God. Whatever choice you make, make sure it’s done out of love and a want for a future with him, and not because you owe him for the things he’s done for you.”

I wipe the escaped tears away and peel the potatoes again. When we finish, we return to Cade and Mother Corinne, who appear cordial to each other.

Cade and I return to the hotel for a nap before dinner. They offered us to join them in prayer, but I declined, knowing Cade wants to kick back and relax for a while. We’re laying on the bed, my head on his chest, his fingers playing in my hair. I appreciate him coming. He did it for me.

“Cade?”

“Hmm?”

“Thank you for coming. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. I wish there was something I could do for you.”

An internal laugh rumbles inside him.

I place my chin on my hand that’s resting on his chest and watch him through my lashes. “What’s so funny?”

He pulls me closer, kisses my nose, and says nothing. In no time, he’s sleeping with a light vibrato of snores. I follow not long after.

The sun is set when I wake. The room is dark aside from the small opening in the blinds. Cade shifts and reaches for his phone on the bedside table. It shows we have an hour before heading back to the convent. He goes to the washroom. I’m lying on my back, hands behind my head, thinking about Sister Mary’s words. I hadn’t expected it from her, a nun, but I guess each of us has our own beliefs. It makes me feel better she doesn’t think I’ll be struck dead for even fantasizing about it.

Cade’s hands slide up the outside of my hips to my waist, tickling me. He’s on top, his arms on each side of my head,bearing most of his weight. We stare at each other. The nurturing touch of his hands in my hair, the intense heat of his eyes like a volcanic eruption, keeps with the swarm of frenzied bees in my stomach. He breaks eye contact. Lips and tongue trail along my collarbone. A kiss, a lick, a quick exhale from me. More trailing up my neck, along my jaw, until his warm lips quiet the frenzy. It starts as a gentle sway, like a buoy bobbing in a calm sea, mouths granting full access. Then it changes into a perfect storm—wild and unpredictable—both our hips circling. An indescribable pleasure seeps into my core. My lower region is hot and has additional moisture. It frightens me how easily I respond to him, so I turn away.

Cade’s breathing blows wisps of my hair away. He rises, pulls at his jeans, and walks out with Armstrong, letting me know he’ll be back. A guilty ache in the pit of my stomach forms. The need and want of his touch go to battle with my conscience.

The rest of the trip is uneventful. We have a nice simple dinner with the sisters, and the next day, we show Cade around the convent and my old room. There doesn’t seem to be any more tension. The sisters and Cade joke, which warms my heart. When it is time to go, we give tearful hugs and promises to continue to keep in touch.

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