Page 41 of Monster in Disguise

"What do you mean?" she asks, scrunching up her nose in confusion.

"Just that. I don't like to be touched. Even something small, like a brush of a hand. Don't." I know my voice is brusque, but maybe if I establish a cool relationship from the start, then we both won't suffer thewhat ifs.I'll be tortured enough knowing she is in my home, within my reach, and I won't be able to touch her. It's better to keep boundaries.

She nods, almost absentmindedly.

"It's better to lay out our expectations from the beginning. That way, there will be no disappointment," I tell her. She needs to know this will never be more than a business arrangement. But more importantly,Ineed to keep that in mind. Just then, I realize there is one more thing that needs to be addressed. "That does not mean that you can see other men." No one will touch her. She will be mine... even though she won't.

"What about you then?" She narrows her eyes at me.

"Me?" I'm almost tempted to laugh. Did she not hear anything I said so far?

"It will be a marriage in name only, as you said, but I am not allowed to be with anyone else. Then what about you?" She elaborates, and I do laugh. It's just ludicrous. Ah... if she only knew that I've not touched another woman since the first time I saw her, years ago... she'd probably think me deranged.

"You don't have to worry about that, Catalina." I focus on her as I say the words. "My affliction, so to say, extends to everyone. I'll be true to my vows; of that you can rest assured." I take a biggulp of air, the proximity to her already playing with my head. "If I could..." I trail off. She doesn't need to know.

"If we're both in agreement?" I don't think I can be around her for much longer. My control is already too strained.

Enzo joins us shortly, and we decide to register our marriage by the end of the week. I'm very curt in my replies, and once I realize I'm no longer needed, I bail.

It's only on the drive back home that it occurs to me Vlad had to have known. Yes, what I wanted most will be mine... and not. I give a dry laugh at the thought... and I remember the first time I ever saw Catalina. She'd mesmerized me back then, just as she did now. And I'm marrying her. In another life, maybe I would have thought myself lucky. In this one... it's one more price I have to pay for my sins.

Back at the Lastra mansion,I try to avoid bumping into anyone as I head directly to my room. I close the door and lock it. Quickly, I take off my jacket and my shirt so I'm naked from the waist up.

I falter for a second before I collapse to my knees. Head hung low, I place my hands on my thighs as I take a moment to myself. The memories are too much. They're threatening to drown me. And no matter how much I try to gasp for air, I can't. My hand clutches at the material of my pants as I grit my teeth in frustration.

Why?

Why did Catalina have to return to my life?

Why?

Kneeling in front of my makeshift altar, I grab the strap from the table, and I wrap one end around my knuckles. Then, usingall my force, I whip it back until it makes contact with my skin, breaking it. I wince in pain... but I deserve it.

I'm a sinner.

Once. Twice. Thrice.

The pain is helping dull my senses.

Catalina... my Catalina.

I'll never deserve her.

Whip.

Whip.

Whip.

I can feel the blood trickling down my back.

Whip.

Whip.

Whip.

My breath is ragged as the pain threatens to make me lose consciousness. Just as I am about to reach that pinnacle, I stop.

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