Page 74 of Falling For Us Again

The locket is in the shape of a key that opens to a picture of me and my mother. I’ve always wondered why it was in the shape of a key, but now it makes sense.

I try the key into the trunk, and it fits perfectly into the hole. I turn it slowly, and with a click, the latch releases.

My hands tremble slightly as I lift the lid, and the musty smell of old paper and leather wafts out.

Inside the trunk is a single weathered journal. I hesitate for a moment, then with a deep breath, I reach in and pull it out.

The journal is heavy, its cover cracked, and the leather soft from years of handling.

I open it carefully, revealing pages filled with my mother’s neat, flowing handwriting, and I have stop to take a deep breath.

I close my eyes for a moment to calm my nerves. Could this hold the answers to my questions?

The words are a blur at first, but as I read on, I begin to make out phrases, the passages about her daily life and longings, about a life that seemed distant from the one I knew.

I flip through the journal as she writes about me and my father. The first few entries are about her mundane routine, and she writes about me a lot.

Through my mother’s words, I see myself growing up in the eyes. There's an undeniable love there that breaks my heart into pieces all over again.

“Jenna started high school today. She didn't want me to, but I drove her to Hartlow High myself this morning. She's gotten to that stage where being driven to school by your parents is thoroughly uncool.

She complains every time I try to help her with anything, claiming she can do it herself. But she's still my baby. My beautiful, smart baby Jenna.

I can't wait to hear all about her first day at school. I hope it’s a great one for her!!

The sun is high up in the sky now, and I'm sitting in the dining room. I’m the only one at home at this time of the day. Richard traveled for work today, and he won’t be home until next week.

I’m going to do some gardening and then make apple pies for Jenna and Lola.

They're going to be so happy!”

Tears stream down my face in torrents, and I press a hand to my chest. God, this hurts badly. If I could go back in time, I’d let her drive me every day to school; I’d never complain about anything she does. I’d tell her how cool she was and how much I loved her apple pies.

My tears subside as I flip through the pages. She was writing more often now, and the words are clearer.

“I saw him today! My Dearest is here in Hartlow!! I can’t believe it. He was with his wife and I felt my heart breaking all over again.

They recently moved to town. I thought I’d die when we first separated, but now I feel like I might truly die to know that he lives so close yet so far away.

He was just as surprised to see me. I haven't seen him in years, since that day, I told him that I was getting married to Richard.

I will never forget the look of pain in his eyes but he had no right. My dearest hurt me first by not fighting for our love and marrying the woman his parents wanted him to instead of the woman he loved.

Even now as I write this, my heart is hammering in my chest. I’ve never forgotten him, he’s haunted me day and night all these years, reminding me of the choices we both made.

I feel a pang of guilt when I look at Richard now. He’s never going to be him. He’s not the man who makes my heart race, who makes me feel alive, but I made this choice.

I married Richard because I was pregnant.

I’ve got the best daughter in the world though, so I'm grateful.

I’ll find strength in my Jenna. I’ll stay.

I’ll smile and pretend that everything is fine.

As if a part of me is not dying every time I see him.”

I sit back, my mind reeling.

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