Page 25 of Ruthless Rebel

“You okay?” I ask softly, not really expecting a response if I am honest, which is why I’m surprised when he offers one.

“I know it’s only three days, but it’s going to be weird without them,” he admits quietly, and I turn to look at him, seeing the fear as it clings to him entirely.

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” I reply, which forces his eyes to mine in question. “When my mom used to leave for her work trips, I always had this fear that she would never come back, that I would lose her,” I laugh but it has no trace of humor, because we both know I feared the wrong thing.

“Sometimes I dream about when they had her, when they had both of them,” Asher starts softly, and he doesn’t have to say their names for me to know he is talking about his father and brother. “It’s so real, like I'm back there in that moment of being held down and watching Elle suffer, or stumbling into the house and finding Zack bleeding out and Cassie gone. It’s, it’s, I don’t know what it is,” he trails off, probably only now realizing how much he has admitted, and his eyes flick back to the space we just watched them leave from.

“It’s trauma,” I say simply, moving my stare back to the same spot, but I feel him turn to me again. “It’s engraved in our souls thanks to the sins of our fathers.” I turn and lean on the doorframe to look at him, to watch him as he watches me. “People say trauma makes you strong, but I think that’s bullshit. My trauma didn’t make me strong, it made me helpless, it ruined me and stole from me until I had nothing left to give. Then still it took some more. It gave me endless nights of insomnia, it gave me a pressure on my chest that even now feels like it might never stop. That’s not strength, it’s weakness.”

Asher takes every word and turns it over in his mind before he replies, “I would call you many things, Blackwell, but weak isn’t one of them.”

I almost laugh, because I would love a list of all the things he would call me, but instead I say, “Because I crawled out of the pits of my trauma and built myself up, remade myself into someone who could never be hurt like that again, not when I have even more to lose than I did before.”

Ash scoffs at that in disgust, “Yet you risk it all every time you hunt down those men, what if they killed you first?”

“Worried about me, Dark Prince?” I ask, pushing up off the door and closing the space between us. “Because maybe you should comeand watch exactly what I do to those men. How I make them scream and cry until they beg for mercy. A mercy I will never grant them, until their very existence has been obliterated.” I watch in fascination as his pupils dilate, the pulse in his neck more noticeable than before, and it makes me smile. “Yeah, I think you’d enjoy watching me get covered in blood.”

He opens his mouth to respond when another voice cuts into the silence. “Everything okay?” Jace asks, and I turn to find my playful brother flicking his stare between us with concern.

It’s no secret the disdain my brother feels towards anyone with the last name Donovan, and it doesn’t matter what Asher says or does, I don’t think Jace will ever be able to see him in any other way.

When I look back to Ash, I can see the connection between us has now been severed and his mask firmly back in its place as he announces, “I’m going back to the office.” He doesn't even wait for us to respond before he storms out towards the garage and I sigh in defeat.

“Did I interrupt something?” Jace asks, genuinely concerned, and I shake my head, taking in my brother looking fresh and clean as he always does lately.

We don’t talk about the darkness that almost made him drown, of the guilt and regret I have for helping him with his addiction, or the pain I felt the night he tried to kill himself. No, we never talk about that. Instead I push those thoughts aside and watch him grow into the potential I always knew he had. The two months he spent in rehab truly saved him, and I missed him more than I could ever put into words. My smart and cocky brother who pulled me from the pits of hell when my own darkness was swallowing me, who has never asked me to repay the favor, but for him I would pay it tenfold.

“No, you didn’t interrupt anything,brother,” I say with a smile, and he nods even though I know he doesn’t believe it.

“Okay, well I don’t need to go to Riley’s until it’s time to pick her up from her dance class so, wanna play?” He asks, and I almost laugh, because it’s been a while since we did something as simple as play video games, and it’s been even longer since I’ve had a better offer from him.

“As long as you’re prepared to get your ass beat,” I tell him, shutting the front door and moving towards him as he scoffs.

“Please, the only ass you get to beat is your boyfriend’s,” he playfully scolds, and I bark a laugh as we make our way to the den.

We bicker back and forth for game after game and it reminds me of the many nights we spent together in the loft before our family grew. When it was just me, him, and Marcus against the world and we thought we knew everything, it makes me smile to see how much we’ve all grown. We keep playing, and when I beat him for the fifth time in a row, he throws his controller down with a curse.

“Fucking hell, Linc, I thought getting regular dick might have made you sloppy,” he whines, and I shake my head.

“What can I say, I’m good at everything,” I reply with a shrug, and his eyes zone in on mine even closer.

“You seem happy with Logan,” he starts carefully, as if it’s something that’s been on his mind for a while.

“I am, we get on well,” I say with a shrug, but it doesn’t lessen the intensity of his stare as he watches me, and I causally move my gaze back to the TV.

“And what about him?” He asks, and I snap my eyes back to him, waiting for him to elaborate, even though we both know who he’s talking about.

“Really? You can’t even say his name now?” I ask, totally deflecting, but he doesn’t back down, and I shrug again. “What about him? Asher isn’t a concern in my relationship,” I lie, yet just saying that out loud makes my stomach churn, but I keep my tone flat, and my gaze on his.

Jace laughs, “You know sometimes you forget how long we’ve been friends, how long I’ve known you, how many hours I spent following you around that shitty home we were in together until you eventually bit my head off.” The reminder of where we started and where we are now should make me smile but it doesn’t, not when I know he isn’t done. “You were as quiet as you were moody, not caring about anything or anyone, and I watched you for months, just like I watch you now, which means I know when you’re lying.”

Staying silent saved me for years. Not talking is how I coped with all my trauma, but that method has never worked on my family. "It's complicated,” I state simply, because it’s the truth. “There is something there for me, and for Logan, but not forhim.”

“Now who can’t say his name?”

I would probably find his taunt funny if it weren’t for his underlying pain, yet it doesn’t stop me from asking, “Are you ever going to stop punishing Asher for being a Donovan? Nothing that happened is his fault.”

“Don’t you think I know that,” he snaps, his hands flexing as if he still feels the need for something in them, as he battles against the demons I know will never truly leave him. “Do you think I like seeing the guilt in his eyes every time I look at him, knowing the only thing he is guilty of is trying to protect Elle and Cassie? That I know he knows I hate him for what his family did to Taylor, for what they did to Rachel,” his voice breaks as he says his sister’s name, and emotion burns at the back of my throat for him. “And I do hate him, brother, I hate him so much that it tears me up inside because when I look at him, I see them, and when I see them, I remember everything I lost. And I want nothing more than to go back to the dark hole I used tobe in, finding anything and anyone to numb all the pain, but I can’t, because despite what I lost, I gained so much more. I mean look at us Lincoln, look at where we came from and then look at this fucking house,” he gestures wildly to our surroundings, and I know the same struggles inside of me are inside of him too. “We don’t deserve this, but for some reason Elle King decided we were worth saving, and I will thank the gods for her every day, but that doesn’t mean I have to thank him too.”

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