Page 95 of Breaking Away

The words are a blend of two voices. My dad’s orders and my own after his bled into me for so long.

Hockey or nothing. You are hockey or nothing.

I pop my eyes open and push through the pain to dress myself, although it’s never been this hard before. Thatrattlesme. Because suddenly the possibility of my contract getting renewed feels mockingly farther than before. Almost impossible. If my knee deteriorates like this, I won’t make it. Hockey will quit me. And every hope and dream my dad’s pinned on me, the pressure to continue his legacy, dies.

Don’t do it. You’ll turn into me. Depressed. A failure.

My phone buzzes. When I look at the screen, despite everything, my body goes lax.

It’s Kavi. She’s asking me when I’m coming to the box. Other players are already there. The team is celebrating and I’m hiding in the locker room.

I get up.

Wherever she is, I go to her.

I can’t help myself. Whatever the problem was before, with her being this distraction I needed to exorcise, has compounded. Grown worse, exponentially. Having her live with me hasn’t blunted anything between us. The late nights together on the couch are stacking up. So are the dinners. And the breakfasts when I’m off. Our talking.

Upstairs, the first person I find is her. She runs into my arms. I push my face into her shoulder to hide the flinch.

“You were amazing,” she exclaims. “I was on the edge of my seat!”

When she pulls back, I see her eyes are bright with excitement. She tugs on my hand. I let her lead me to the team. Everyone claps me on the shoulder, except Hughes.

He’s looking at me funny. I ignore him and the throb that consumes my leg.

Matt cracks open a champagne bottle. “We won! We need to celebrate!”

Kavi spreads her hands. “Funny you should mention that. Dmitri has thoughts on what to do tonight.”

Surprise ripples through my team. Faces lean in, waiting.

She means the barbecue at my place, butI can’t.There is no way.

Kavi bounces on her toes. The hem of her skirt swishes as she waits for me to tell them.

My breathing shallows as panic peaks inside me. I want to give her this, but I can barely keep standing like this. Unaffected. As if my leg isn’t about to collapse if it doesn’t get rest right away.

What should I do? Can I open my mouth and admit to her—and everyone—that I’m not good? That I need help? How I’m starting to fear I won’t be playing long for this team or any team at this rate?

You think they’ll care, but they won’t.

There’s a burning in my chest. It’s reddening my insides.

I open my mouth. “No.”

Kavi startles. “No?”

I’m an asshole. She deserves so much better than me. I want to make her understand, but we’re not alone. And more so, she doesn’t need my stress on her shoulders.

Kavi was incredible in the dressing room tonight. She’s finally gaining confidence, away from her deadweight ex. Now, especially now, she doesn’t need my issues going through her head. All she needs to focus on is herself and believing in her dreams.

“You said—the bet—” Kavi shakes her head. I almost hear the question in her head.What happened?

“You win,” I concede, grinding my teeth.

“What bet?” asks Emmad, butting in.

If I keep talking, I’ll forget how it’s hurting. So I do, offering more words than usual. “We made a bet,” I say to Emmad and everyone else listening, which is a good chunk of the team. “Kavi’s photography and… something related to me getting better at hockey.”As a team. “Whoever makes more progress gets to dare the other person to do anything they want. No limits. And—she won today.”

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