Page 34 of Elevating Eve

Orson didn’t make a sound for so long, Jonathan would’ve thought the call dropped if he couldn’t hear the bustle of the street. When at last he spoke, something like wonder filled his voice. “Are you telling me that you have a girlfriend?”

Jonathan rolled his eyes. “Yes, Dad, I have a girlfriend.”

“Holy shit, did hell freeze over? Is the antichrist walking among us? Hold on.” Scuffing sounds came through the line, soon joined by the bar music. “Lucy!Lucy!Come over here!”

“For God’s sake, Dad,” Jonathan grumbled, already regretting every choice in his life that brought him to this horrifying moment. One corner of his mouth moved up all on its own, despite his embarrassment.

Next thing Jonathan knew, his dad had put the phone on speaker, heightening the background noise. “What?” his mom asked, worry in her tone. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Orson assured her. “It’s Jonathan on the phone. Tell her what you just told me.”

“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” Jonathan growled out, still fighting a smile.

“Oh, come on.” His dad sounded like he was practically bouncing up and down with excitement. “Just tell her.”

With another mighty roll of the eyes, he said, “Hi, Mom. Dad wants me to tell you that I have a girlfriend.”

Lucy’s shriek was so loud, he had to jerk the phone away from his ear. “I swear to God, if you two are playing a trick on me, I’ll burn the pumpkin pie at every Thanksgiving until the day I die.”

Jonathan laughed. He couldn’t help it. “It’s not a trick. I promise. Her name is Eve.”

When his mother shrieked again, it didn’t deafen him like last time,because he anticipated her reaction and pulled the phone away from his ear.

“Jesus, Mom, it’s not that big a deal.” Even as he said it, he knew it was bullshit.

“Jonathan Orson Hale, I gave up on you ever settling down long ago. At your own insistence, I might add. So do not try to tell me this is no big deal.” A second later, she shouted, “My son has a girlfriend!” Drunken cheers answered this mortifying announcement, and he realized his mom had opened the bar door and yelled inside.

Thank fuck they were having this conversation on the phone. If he was there in San Diego with them, he might have dropped dead on the spot.

Orson’s laugh had a nervous edge to it. “Why don’t you head back inside and celebrate with everyone? We can call Jonathan in the morning to hear more about his new girl.”

This idea clearly appealed to Lucy. “I’m happy for you, sweetheart!” she half-yelled into the phone. “Talk to you soon! Love you!” The bar music reappeared for a few seconds before thankfully fading away again.

“Sorry about that,” his dad said, sounding equal parts amused and genuinely apologetic. “These twenty-two-year-olds from La Mesa have been buying her shots for the last hour.”

Laughing again, Jonathan said, “Of course they have.” His mother had the kind of magnetic personality that drew people to her. She was always making new friends in bars or on vacations.

“So you finally found a girl who could turn even your head.” Orson whistled long and low. “She must be really special.”

“She is.” An understatement if ever there was one. “And I don’t want to fuck this up. Since you and Mom are the best couple I know, I hoped you’d be able to give me some advice.”

“My little boy all grown up and asking for dating advice,” Orson said, sniffling dramatically. “I never thought this day would come.”

Jonathan shook his head. “Dad, I’m thirty-eight,” he said in the deadest, most unamused voice he could muster. “I’ve been all grown up for a very long time.”

“Nope. You’re not taking this moment away from me.” More over-the-top sniffling came through the phone. “I’ve been patiently waiting for this moment since you hit puberty. Let me enjoy it.”

“You’re a pain in the ass.”

“Thank you.”

Jonathan chuckled. “Okay, you’ve had your moment. Get on with the advice giving.”

“So bossy,” Orson complained, though he sounded amused rather than upset. “I’m not one of your guests who you can order around, you know.”

Snorting, Jonathan said, “Duly noted.”

“All right, all right.” He sounded more serious at last. “I’ll stop torturing you. You came to the right place. I’m going to give you the best relationship advice you’re ever going to get. Though it’s maybe not as profound as you’re hoping.”

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