Page 63 of The Best Number

A tear slowly breaks free, slipping down her cheek. She continues talking. “I miss him so much. And now I miss you too. And it really fucking hurts.” She releases my face to grab a tissue from a box on the coffee table, wiping her eyes and blowing her nose, looking agitated. “I was hoping to keep myself calm enough to have this conversation. But I actually think it might be helpful for you to see how sad I am. It’s okay to let the feelings out. Please let me be here for you. Please don’t shut me out.”

I swallow hard, gazing at her face, blotchy from the tears. “I’ll try Cassidy. I don’t want to lose you.”

She gives me a small smile. “Are you sure? Because it’s going to hurt like hell if you don’t want me without Jack. But I’d rather know now… than be strung along and forgotten about. I was kept in the dark throughout my marriage with Grant. I can’t live like that again.”

My heart squeezes as I feel her pain as if it’s my own.

“I just wanted to get myself sorted out, then I was planning to come back to you,” I try to explain myself.

“Tom, I want every single part of you. Just like I hope you want every single part of me. The broken parts, the crazy parts, the messy parts. All of it. I don’t want you to hide away when you feel bad. I want you to fucking share that with me. I want to be able to take just as good care of you as you do for me.”

Her tears are back, tracking down her cheeks. And I realise that these tears aren’t for Jack. They’re for me.

“For someone that is as shit hot at aftercare and taking care of people as you are, you’d think you’d be better at taking care of yourself.” She's yelling now. And I’m grateful she’s mad.That’s gotta be better than sad, right?

“I’ll be honest, Cassidy. It doesn’t come naturally to share this stuff. But I want to try. I want to give you everything you need. Even if what you want is me crying and sharing my feelings.” I faux-grimace, trying to lighten the mood a little and feel a warmth inside me when the corners of her mouth turn up in a tiny smile.

“Nice fucking try. But you still have to actually share your feelings. You can’t get out of this by making me laugh.”

I sigh, leaning my head back on the couch. Closing my eyes, I swallow hard. When I open them again and look at her, she gives a sharp intake of breath as I let her see my pain.

“I loved him. I still do. I loved him before you came along. And then you were there, and it made everything even more. I wasn’t sure how it would work with the three of us to begin with. Ithought it was just fun and a way for Jack to ease back from my feelings.”

I take a breath and try to gather the rest of my thoughts.

“But you made it all even better, Mac. You made me realise I’d been keeping my heart small and trying to protect it. You made me want to give it some space. To actually contemplate the idea that I might be able to be happy and have this amazing relationship with not one, but two, amazing people.” Another deep breath.

“And then, after he opened up, and I thought we were getting somewhere, he fucking left. I saw how much that hurt you. I didn’t want to give myself a chance to feel that. So I did what I always do. I just worked myself into the ground. I’m fucking exhausted. Working all hours of every day. Trying to take care of everyone at work to keep myself busy. But I was struggling with you. I knew if I came too close, I would break at some point. And I didn’t think you needed to see that.” My shoulders drop with a sigh as the truth comes out.

“I do need to see that. I need to know that you feel comfortable—to completely be yourself with me. That's the way forward. Being in a healthy relationship doesn’t mean that we are shielded from pain and hard things. It means there’s someone there, going through it as well. We can help each other. Sometimes that looks like one of us being strong for the other one. But a lot of the time, it’s sitting here on the couch crying together and feeling sad. That’s valid too. We don’t always have to make it better. Sometimes we just sit with it together. You know?”

And I realise I get what she means. We don’t have to work through this alone. I have Cassidy. And Cassidy has me. We each understand what the other is going through and we can support each other through this.

“Thank you,” I say softly. “For not giving up on me. For coming by the bar and checking up on me. For not letting me hide away from you and my feelings. It fucking sucks feeling sad and heartbroken. But I’m glad that you’re here, Cassidy. I love you.”

“Oh, Tom. I love you too.”

I press a gentle kiss to her lips. She feels like home and, as her arms come tightly around me to gather me close, I feel her love pouring over me, replacing that numb feeling with warmth and comfort.

Chapter twenty-nine

Jack

New York is incredible. I’ve been here for a month and I haven’t stopped. The contract I’ve been working on has been full-on. And, due to the nature of the project and people being pulled in from all over the world, we’ve all been eager to see as many sights and experience everything New York has to offer. I’ve already been to a basketball game at Madison Square Garden, taken a ride on the Staten Island Ferry, and visited some of the swankiest bars and restaurants I’ve ever seen. It’s been amazing.

But, even with my days and evenings filled to the brim, I miss Cassidy and Tom. The time difference and the craziness of work make it hard to speak to them regularly. The group chat is still going and full of banter, but it feels like ages since I saw their faces—even on a video call.

Today is my first Saturday off from any social plans since I arrived and I’m determined to speak with them and see how theyare doing. I even set an alarm to wake up early so that I could catch Tom before he heads to the bar.

It’s 8 am New York time making it lunchtime in the UK. I’ve realised my error in not letting them know in advance I was planning to call. What if I can’t get hold of either of them? I decide to try Tom first because he’s likely to be heading off to the bar soon.

I scroll to his number and press ‘call’, listening as it rings and rings. Just when I think it’s going to cut to his voicemail, he picks up.

“Jack, hey,” comes his deep voice. It feels like fucking home. I gulp and draw in a deep breath as a tightness grips my chest. I didn’t realise how much I missed him.

“Hey, man. Glad I caught you. I was worried you’d already be at the bar.”

“Not yet. I’ve got about half an hour before I need to leave.”

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