Page 57 of The Best Number

“You want the comfy one?” I ask Cass.

“You have it, gorgeous. You’re in charge of this meeting.” Her brows raise with curiosity as she stares at me before taking the plastic seat closest to the wall.

I round the desk and we only wait a moment before Tom comes in, closing the door behind him.

“What’s up, Jack?” he asks as he throws himself in the empty seat beside Cass. Her hand comes up to rest on his thigh.

“Mum pointed out that it might be a good idea to let you guys know about my engagement. Given she mentioned it earlier. And…” I trail off, running my hand through my hair. “... well, I’ve been thinking for a while I should tell you.”

Cassidy leans forward, placing her open palm on the table, gesturing for me to hold her. I do so, connecting all of us together. Me touching Cassidy, Cassidy touching Tom.

“We’re here to listen, Jack. But only if you’re ready to tell us.” She gives me a gentle smile. Ease settles into my shoulders.

“I think I just need to spill it all out. That okay? I know you know the basics.” My gaze lands on Tom. “But if I start from the beginning, it’ll catch Cass up too?”

“Of course.” Tom nods in agreement.

I take a deep breath, allowing myself to gather my thoughts.

“I met Claire my first year at uni. It wasn’t my plan to end up in a long-term relationship at that point. My initial plan had been to fuck my way through the campus.” I grimace. “You’ve met my parents. They’re awesome. And I always aspired to have a relationship like theirs. But I knew I was bi, and I wanted to experiment. I didn’t expect to meet someone so soon. I wanted to sow a few wild oats first.” Cassidy chuckles at my cliche.

I continue on, “Claire and I met at a party. We chatted long into the night and we had so much in common. We didn’t sleep together that night, but I was desperate to see her again. We ended up dating. The sex was decent. I told her early on that I was bi and she was fine with it.” I pause to draw a breath, my gaze on the door while my thoughts conjure up my past.

“Before long, it felt comfortable, and while I was still attracted to other people, I felt no desire to be with anyone else. When we celebrated our first anniversary as a couple, Claire started dropping hints about marriage. She made it sound far off in the future, something we could do after graduation. And I just got swept up in that. It didn’t even cross my mind that I wouldn’t go on to marry her and be happy like my parents were. So I proposed. I planned it for weeks leading up to her birthday. Took her up to this beauty spot up in the hills, parked up and we sat on a bench looking at the city lit up at night. She was fuckingecstatic when I got on one knee and pulled a ring box out of my pocket. It just all worked, you know?” I look at Cass and Tom for verification. Cass nods with an encouraging smile. Tom is staring at me, an unreadable expression on his face.

“It was easy. Everything in my life was pretty easy up until that point. I did okay at school, got the grades I needed to go to my first choice university. I was popular through high school and college and just took it in my stride when I started uni and had to make new friends. Getting engaged felt like the next step and I was happy to take it. So, we got engaged; the first people in our friend group to do so and for our final year, we roomed together in a house share. I think that’s probably when stuff didn’t always feel right.” I sigh as memories flood my mind.

“There were two other couples in the house. One was Claire’s best friend and her boyfriend. The other were two guys—Ben and Adam. It didn’t bother me at all. Why would it? And Claire didn’t give any indication she wouldn’t be comfortable living with a gay couple. But she got weird about it. She wouldn’t leave me alone with them. I didn’t realise it at first until I heard them joking that she thought they wanted to steal me. They made light of it but, once I picked up on that, I started noticing how possessive she was of me, around men and women. And then one night, she stayed up talking with her friend and when I went through to the kitchen to grab a drink, I overheard her talking about Ben and Adam. She was being such a bitch, calling them faggots and how it was unnatural for them to be together.”

I pause, rubbing at the pain I’d felt at the time, echoing in my chest now.

“It didn’t make sense. She’d never said anything like that in front of me. I didn’t confront her that night. I pretended I was asleep when she came to bed, tipsy. And the next morning, I headed out before she was awake. I bumped into Adam at the gym and had a heart to heart with him. Telling him whatI’d overheard Claire say, how shocked I was. He wasn’t. He clearly had a much better bigot-radar than I did. He said she’d never mentioned anything, but it was clear she didn’t like being around him or Ben. And got almost feral if I was hanging out with them. I just…” Words fail me. I stare at the ceiling, the past anger growing in my chest alongside the pain already radiating there.

“... How could I have been so fucking blind, guys? I was going to marry this woman, and she’d hidden this massive thing from me. It turned out she’d already heard I was bi through the grapevine. Had decided she could turn me. And I pretty much fucking let her.” I pause when Tom’s hand comes up to grasp mine and Cassidy’s where she’s still holding me.

“I ended it. I didn’t even really give her the chance to explain herself. I told her what I’d heard and that I couldn’t be with someone like that; that was so against something that was part of me. I’m queer and she wasn’t going to change that anytime soon.” My head drops, my chin hitting my heaving chest as I gulp in air.

“It fucked me up so much. I went crazy. I lost all confidence in my ability to read and understand people. Trusted no-one. I fucked my way through as many people as I could in those last months at uni, furious that I’d wasted my time with that homophobic bitch. It was a miracle I got through all my final exams and graduated, to be honest.”

I look up, waiting for one of them to say something. They’re both sat still, watching me. Tears well in Cassidy’s eyes, pain radiates in Tom’s gaze.

“I’m so sorry you went through that.” Cassidy squeezes my hand, blinking as a tear rolls loose, sliding down her cheek. “You didn’t deserve that. To give yourself completely to someone and have them fuck you over. She didn’t deserve you, Jack. Fuck herthinking she could make you straight. You’re wonderful, exactly as you are.” Her lips tilt in a watery smile. I glance across at Tom.

He purses his lip, then draws a breath before speaking. “Thank you for telling us. I know it’s not easy to open up.” He gives a grimace. “It’s something I struggle with, too. But we like you, Jack, just as you are. You’re fucking amazing. I…” He trails off, gaze dropping to stare at the table. I sit perfectly still, waiting. His head comes back up, his gaze piercing my soul.

“I can’t hide how I feel about you any longer, Jack. I love you. And I know you might not be ready to hear those words. It’s why I’ve held off saying them for so long. But it’s been there for months. Even before Cassidy came along.” His gaze breaks from mine, to smile at her. “And watching you and her together, instead of making me jealous, it just made me love you more.” He heaves a huge sigh. “I don’t expect you to say it back. I don’t even expect you to feel it. I just want you to know that you’re loved. For who you are. And you don’t need to change for anyone.”

Panic rises. I try to control my breath, my chest heaving as I draw in big gulps of air. My eyes widen as I stare at Tom. “I can’t… I don’t…” I pause, biting my lip hard before continuing. “I’m not ready to say it, Tom. I’m sorry. But I promise I’m in this.”

His hand squeezes mine, his gaze never wavering from me. “I don’t want you to say it if you’re not ready. And you can take as long as you need.”

A sniffle breaks our connection, and I look over to Cassidy to see her wiping tears from her cheeks.

“I’m sorry, guys, I’m just a mess. You're the best men I know. I’m so grateful to be part of this with you both.”

I’m about to find more words, unsure where to go now, when there’s a rap on the door before it swings open. Abby pokes her head inside with a grimace on her face. “I’m so sorry, guys.Tom, we need you. I think a bloody coach load just came in or something. Completely swamped.”

“It’s all good, Abby. Give me two minutes and I’ll be there.” Tom gives her a soft smile as she closes the door again. “I have to go help. Why don’t you two stay here a bit, when you’re ready, come and grab another drink.” His hand squeezes mine once more before he withdraws it, standing up, leaning to kiss Cass’s head and heading out the door.

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