Page 140 of Old Acquaintances

I motion for him to come closer and then I kiss him.

He says, “I’m going for a swim.”

I drink my coffee at the kitchen table, watching him in the pool. Johnny’s outside on the phone. The sky is a bit dark now, clouds are rolling in. The girls and Ritchie put together a puzzle while Wyatt watches a yearly recap special on a news station. Jen comes into the kitchen and opens the fridge.

“Would you like one?” she asks, holding out an orange.

“Thanks.” I take it.

She begins to open hers and senses the cause of my distraction. She’s wearing the most adorable olive green dress, her hair straighter than a pin, and she stands beside me, leading me to think she may not want to get her dress crinkled.

She starts, “I thought about your question from the other day. And I know my answer.” Her eyes drift to the man holding his phone horizontally, talking to a voice I know well, his mom. Jen smiles. “I know when I decided I loved Johnny. It was when I decided I couldn’t live without him.”

That statement makes me feel like crying. What a privilege, todecideto love someone. To know you can’t live without them and that’s the end of the discussion.

She explains, “I considered dating other men and that felt…unbearable.”

I watch Tucker cross his arms on the pool’s edge, looking out at the water. I concur, “I get that.”

“I don’t even care about having a wedding,” she admits.

“Really? Johnny sounds really excited about it.”

“Johnny wants it. A big, huge thing.”

“What do you want?”

She finally sits down. “Just him. Just to be married to him.” Her eyes drop. “I know I love him more than he loves me and I’m okay with that. I think the wedding is part of the experience for him, but I just want to be married. I don’t care about anything else.”

I hold my orange, unable to open it. I don’t really want it. I just want my hands to feel busy, to feel the weight, to drag my attention back to my senses. I respond, “I’m afraid to tell…someone…how I feel.” She’s not stupid. Jen’s been very perceptive this week. Her eyes flicker to the person in question as I continue, “Because he doesn’t feel the same way, or he doesn’t want to feel the same way. I’m not sure what to do.”

“You just have to be true to you,” she says. “Have faith that everything works out the way it should. We don’t love people because we want them to love us back, we do it because we can’t help it.”

I’ve never told Tucker that I love him. It might cement my status as a lonely unrequited lover. He’ll pat my shoulder and say,Thanks Beautiful, but I’ve already made up my mind. I’m free to have sex all day, though. Catch you later.

I ask Jen, “Why do you think you love him more?”

She swallows. “Because he wants to grow roots and feel settled and that’s why he asked me to marry him.”

“Why did you say yes?”

“Because I love him.” The heaviness on her face softens. “He wouldn’t have asked me if he didn’t know that. He knows I love him, so much, and I know one day he’ll love me that much too.” She shrugs. “That’s why I wanted to meet you so badly. The fact that you’ve been friends for so long tells me everything I need to know about his loyalty.”

Her confession makes me realize that we all make choices that are right for us in the moment. I couldn’t love someone without equal reciprocity. I don’t need dinner dates or fun events around town, a partner to do things with – I just need a feeling. If Tucker’s dead set on not being with me, then it’s the choice he needs to make. He’ll have a wife and family carved out of safety and fear, and I’ll never be able to look at him again. There are unknown choices I’ll have to make without him, ideas I can’t stomach right now.

Serena opens the screen door and hollers, “Hey Tuck! Do you mind taking the boat back? It looks like it might storm soon.”

He nods, gesturing to the sky, and climbs out of the pool.

I push out my chair. “Hey, Tucker, I’ll come with you.”

After I cross into the patio, he dries off with a towel andstops me with, “No. I don’t want you to come.” He sighs, eyeing my confusion. “This weather is unpredictable. It doesn’t look bad, but a storm could blow in fast. I don’t want you out there.”

He flits his eyes to Johnny. Tucker comes up to me and grips my chin, eyes me with affection, and takes the keys that Serena hands through the door. He’s trying to be discreet, but I don’t care. I wrap my arms around him and kiss him deeply, my breath undoubtedly rancid.

When I pull away, Tucker mutters, “What was that for?”

I twirl the ends of his hair. “Just because I can. For right now.”

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