Page 112 of Old Acquaintances

I didn’t want my friends to see her as a romantic interest, so I asked her Aunt Zoey if I could go through the school lost-and-found a few days before eighth grade started. I had already stolen the locker number and combination that Ella tacked on her bedroom corkboard. I had already filled my backpack with little love notes I’d spent days writing.

When she opened the locker and tried to attack me, I didn’t have a good reason for it. I tried to explain. I did it so we had this Ella and Elithingbetween us. But she didn’t like it and I stopped. Then, we were at the neighborhood pool a few days before freshman year started. I tossed a ball around with Chase Donner and he said, “Hey, Ella’s cute, right?”

I looked at her in her one-piece bathing suit, listening to music and flipping through a magazine. She was fourteen. I hadn’t seen her all summer because she’d been in ballet camps, and I’d been doing baseball stuff. Shewascute.

I told Chase, “Stay away from her.”

The game became:I know she’s beautiful but you’re going to have to go through me.

She belonged to me first, because I knew her best, and any guy who wanted to date her would know that.

I loved making her smile. I liked protecting her and bringing her gifts. I really liked touching her. Her skin was so soft, and she giggled when I dug my fingers into her waist. Somewhere along the way her butt became an ass and I toldmyself there’s nothing special about it, but I couldn’t stop staring. Then she grew these boobs she didn’t know what to do with, and I had to be assaulted by a body she didn’t know was tempting.

Other guys knew it. It wasn’t fair.MyElla happened to have a gorgeous face and an attractive body - how is that fair? She’d never truly belong to me because other guys had eyes.

My mom kept telling me to treat Ella with respect. She wasn’t an object, I knew that.

Of course I respected her because she’d done this miraculous thing: take me from hating her to loving her. Loving her forreal. The way that Christian loved my mom.

I set aside all of my feelings for her. I broke up with Angel before prom even though I knew it was a shitty thing to do because Ella needed me. When Ella was mad about it, I backed off. When Johnny said that she kept texting him about being alone the first night in her dorm, I drove up there and slept in the parking lot. I wasn’t going to tell her I was there. I knew it seemed stalkerish, but she might have been scared or sad and I wanted to be close enough that I could help.

When she came to me for sex, I thought my mind would explode. I wanted it to be perfect for her. I wanted to worship her and be close to her and show her how much I loved her. When it was over, I kept thinking,you dumbass, how are you going to get over her now?There is nothing more humbling than having women throw themselves at you, but spending your life groveling at the foot of a girl who barely sees you as a friend.

I kept my distance as much as possible in college. When the opportunity presented itself, I tried to lay out my feelings without scaring her away. I told her: I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

She thought it was the game. I was too fragile to spell it outand have her respond with, “Oh, no, Tucker, I don’t see you like that.”

At Steve’s wedding, I had to walk away from her. She didn’t want the same things I did. When I touched her and kissed her, it was just a touch, just a kiss, not the mind-blowing melting of our bodies into each other. I was so fucking lost in her.

When I sat in her parents’ kitchen the night of the accident, in a chair that I’d sat in a hundred times, I knew something was wrong. I felt it. I drove around aimlessly for twenty minutes, calling her and having it go straight to voicemail.

I almost drove past her car. It couldn’t be Ella, but it was. Her lights were on, smoke rose from the crushed hood, and I parked and ran to her. She had blood all over her face and was lying on top of her airbag. I screamed and my hands were shaking so badly I could barely open her door. I didn’t care if it was safe to pull her out, I only thought about having her in my arms.

She was dead. I knew it. But she couldn’t be. I could shake her awake. If I kissed her and held her and told her I loved her then she’d come back. I only let her go long enough to get my phone and call 911. She had no pulse when I found her. They told me to perform CPR.

I refused to leave her side in the ambulance and Christian had to restrain me in the hospital. I needed everyone to know thatIcould do this, just me, I could make her okay. I could always take care of her. If they made me leave, then I couldn’t fix it.

When she finally woke up, I stood in the hallway and spilled my lunch. Everything I’d kept inside just released. Hal asked if I wanted to see her. I surprised myself by saying no.

When I went home right then, I knew she was safe, and I’d done the only thing I could ever do for her. I saved her life, now I needed to save mine. I couldn’t look at her without imaginingthat beautiful face covered in blood, not breathing. I knew she’d want to talk about it, and I couldn’t talk about it. If I kept on loving her, I would know what it felt like to lose her.

I was so filled with rage and anxiety and fear. When I found out that the asshole who hit her was still in town, getting drunk every night and living his best life, I lost my mind. He opened the door, I double-checked that he was who he was, and I clocked him. I’d never punched anyone before. I wasn’t a violent guy, but I lost all control of myself.

While I sat in jail, I decided to be someone who didn’t love her. Who didn’t even know her. I just stayed away and pretended that she didn’t exist, even when I got angry text messages saying,where have you been?

Our friends and families understood at first because they knew I was struggling. Then, enough time passed that they figured we just weren’t that good of friends. It was as if that whole period where I was in love with her never happened. We were just two kids who never really got along. Who shared a best friend and a birthday.

I stopped loving Ella because of self-preservation. She’d always be beautiful and wild and perfect, but just a girl I know. I decided I could go on this Florida trip and be fine in her company.

I’ll always care about her.

But I don’t love her anymore.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

---