Page 70 of Endless Love

As Vegas fades into the distance behind us, the view turning to desert stretching out on either side, the cab winds its way through increasingly narrowing roads. A smaller town comes into view, and when I glance off to my left as we approach, I see what looks like a county fair at the edge of the town.

I lean forward, almost pressing my nose to the glass, taking it in as the cab gets closer. The fairgrounds look mostly deserted for now—it’s probably not open for a few more hours, but I can see the rides covered in unlit orange bulbs, a huge haunted house, and stands being set up for games and food. I swear I can smell the scent of caramel apples, even though I know it’s just my imagination.

“Look.” I nudge Ivan, momentarily forgetting how upset I am with him. “It’s a fair. For Halloween.” I feel a flicker of excitement, that craving for normalcy following close on the heels of it. “Could we go to that, tonight, do you think? They wouldn’t look for us somewhere like that.”

“I wouldn’t risk it.” Ivan’s jaw is tight, his face blank. “We’ll just need to stay in the hotel until our meeting. No more risks. I was wrong to take the one today.”

The finality in his voice stings. And with the panic of our flight still bubbling in my chest, the thought of being cooped up in an even smaller hotel room with him makes me feel like I want to fling myself from the cab. I feel like I need air, space, like I need to be outside, instead of locked up somewhere waiting for the people chasing us to catch up.

But the look on Ivan’s face says that he’s not going to hear any argument. I bite my lip, still watching the fair out of my window as we drive past it and into town, the cab finally stopping in front of a small motel not much different from the ones we stayed in on the way here.

Ivan passes more cash over to the driver, and gets out, grabbing the backpack. “Let’s get settled in,” he says, his voice tired and drained, and I think I can hear disappointment in it. It hadn’t occurred to me that he might have been looking forward to the luxury of Vegas proper for a few days, but it’s clear that he’s missing the chance to enjoy some comfort.

The room is very much like the ones we stayed in the last several days. Simple, a bit dingy, devoid of personality or much in the way of comforts. I sit down on the edge of the bed, feeling the craving to go out to the fair sweep over me again, frustration at being once again confined in a room only adding to it.

In a matter of days, my whole life has been turned upside down.Is it so bad to want one normal thing?

I know I’m being a little unreasonable. But the reality is becoming too much, and I want to hide from it. Just for a little while.

Ivan goes outside to make a call to his contact. I pace the room, take another shower, change into fresh clothes. The minutes seem to tick by too slowly. And as it starts to get darkand Ivan disappears into the bathroom to shower, I remember seeing a payphone outside of the hotel. I can’t actually recall ever having seen one before, but I have a basic idea of how they work, and Ivan left a handful of cash and change on the desk.

He’s going to be pissed at me if I do this. I know it. But I’m so desperate for some small part of my old life. I miss my friends. I miss everything that I’ve lost, and right now, when I feel like I’m clinging to my sanity with my fingertips, there’s only one person that I really want to talk to.

I sweep the change into my palm, stuffing it in the pocket of my jeans, and hurry outside.

I’ve always been good with numbers—phone numbers, license plates, that kind of thing. I know Jaz’s number by heart, and I drop a couple of quarters into the payphone, dialing her number as my breath catches in my chest.

“Hello?” She sounds confused when she answers, and I don’t blame her.

“Jaz.” All of the air rushes out of me. “Jaz, it’s Charlotte.”

“Charlotte? What the—where the fuck are you? We’ve been so worried. What happened? We called the police, but they said they were dealing with it, and they seemed to knowsomething, but they wouldn’t give us any answers, and?—”

“I’m okay,” I interrupt her stream of consciousness, my chest aching. I can only imagine how worried she’s been, and I hate that it’s because of me. I hate that I’ve caused this.

Ivan caused this. The small voice that won’t let me forget that he orchestrated the beginning of all of it echoes in my head, and I close my eyes briefly, shoving back the tangle of confused emotions that always arise whenever I think of it. “I’m okay,” I repeat. “I can’t tell you where I am. I can’t really tell you much of anything, and I’m so sorry. I don’t—I don’t think I’ll be coming back home. But I’m going to be okay. I know that doesn’t make sense, but?—”

“It doesn’t make sense!” Jaz cries. “That doesn’t make sense at all, Charlotte. I saw Nate, by the way. Out at our brunch spot. He wouldn’t talk to us. Just grinned like he knew something. You’re not with?—”

“I’m not with him,” I promise her.

“Is it that guy? The one who came up to us at lunch? Did you like—run off with him or something?”

“Not exactly.” I blow out a sharp breath. I want desperately to tell her everything, to ease her worries as much as I can, and tell her why I probably won’t ever talk to her again after this. But I don’t know how. “I just—I can’t tell you more, Jaz. I really can’t. Just know that?—”

The receiver is abruptly yanked out of my hand, and slammed down on the hook before I even fully realize what’s happening. I jump back, my heart racing all over again, and I see Ivan standing next to me, his face thunderous.

“What the fuck were you thinking?” he growls, his voice a low, angry rumble. It’s clear that he’s doing everything in his power to stay quiet, so that no one hears us arguing. Because I can tell that’s what this is about to be—an argument.

“I just—I needed—” The words break off. I know I don’t really have any excuse for this. It was a stupid decision. And it might have put Jaz in danger, if there’s any way to track the call I just made. I don’t think there is—but I don’t really know. And I did it anyway.

“Youneedto stay safe!” Ivan snaps. “All of this is to protectyou, Charlotte! I could have disappeared so much faster than this alone. I could be long gone by now, but I’ve been keeping you safe, and now?—”

“If you wanted to protect me, you should have fucking stayed away from me from the start!”

The words hang between us, heavy and accusing. Ivan’s face pales, and he swallows hard. “I know that,” he says tightly.“Fuck, I know that, Charlotte. But I didn’t. I can’t take that back now?—”

“—and you wouldn’t even if you could. I know the story, you’ve been telling me this whole fucking time.” I glare at him, anger burning in my throat. “But that doesn’t change what I’ve lost!”

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