Page 33 of Endless Love

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We barely saya word to each other for the rest of the night. In the wake of those two violent orgasms, I feel drained and embarrassed at how he left me. Angry, hurt, and other emotions that I can’t even begin to put a name to.

I shower and get dressed again. Ivan is out on the walkway, and I ignore him, getting the last of the food we bought out of the insulated bag. I don’t bother to ask him if he wants any, and I don’t see him eat. He stays outside for a long time, until I turn off the lights and crawl into bed.

I don’t fall asleep easily. I pretend, listening to the sounds of him making up the bed on the floor, and I feel a flicker of guilt again that he’s sleeping down there when he’s the one who drives all day. I think of him taking me out to the lake, how it clearly meant something to him.

I can’t care about him. I can’t. He lied to me. He destroyed my life.I bite my lip, closing my eyes as I focus on those last two things. Not the man who, in so many quieter moments, seems like someone I could love. Not the man who gives me pleasure that I never imagined existed before this.

The man who lied. The man who kills. The man who is responsible for all the terrible things I’m facing now.

That’s Ivan. That’s therealIvan.

But I’m having a harder and harder time believing that, with every day that passes.

I wake up feeling sore and out of sorts, my ass bruised from the spanking Ivan gave me. With the pleasure long gone, it makes me irritable, and I’m tense, keeping my distance from him. He doesn’t say anything, and I can’t help but wonder what he’s thinking as we load up the car and make another grocery stop, getting back onto the highway. His jaw is clenched as he looks out at the road, and I look at the sharp, handsome lines of his profile, my skin tingling as I remember what happened yesterday.

After a few hours, I can’t take his tense silence any longer. Even the hum of the old rock station that he put on in the background can’t ease the heavy feeling between us.

“Why did you take me out to that lake?” I ask abruptly, shifting uncomfortably in the seat.

Ivan doesn’t answer for a long moment. “Why did you sign up to that site where you met Venom?”

I grit my teeth. I can feel him spoiling for a fight, still upset at me from yesterday. “I told you why.”

“Because Nate cheated on you, and you wanted to get back at him. Because you wanted a safe place to explore your fantasies. Is that it? Because I don’t really believe that, Charlotte. I don’t think you actually believed it was a safe place. I think you’re smarter than that.”

I swallow hard. “I thought it was safe.”

“No, you didn’t.” His hands tighten on the wheel. “If you want to be angry at me for lying, Charlotte, then stop lying to yourself. Stop lying to me.”

“I’m not?—”

“You did itbecauseof the danger. Because danger was what you wanted. You didn’t really think going on the dark web and talking about primal fantasies with a man who called himself Venom wassafe, orsmart. You wanted a thrill. You wanted to be bad. And you just didn’t believe that the worst of those consequences would ever come back on you.”

I whip around, staring at him angrily. “Don’t you dare sayyoulying was my fault! That any of this was my fault?—”

“I’m not.” Ivan lets out a heavy breath. “I lied. I fucking get it. Every possible facet of how I went about getting to know you was wrong, Charlotte, and I know it, even if I can’t say I’d take it back, not unless I want to lie to you again. And I’ve been doing my fucking damnedestnotto lie to you now. But you can’t sit there and tell me that you did all of that thinking it was safe. That you didn’t want the danger.” His jaw works, a muscle twitching there. “I should spank you again, for lying tome.”

“Fucking try it.” I sit back, looking out the window, anger churning in my stomach. I’m pissed that he’s daring to say a single thing about anything I’ve done, when everythinghe’sdone is so much worse—but I’m also pissed because he’s right, and I don’t want to admit it to myself anymore than I want to admit it to him.

Ididwant the danger. The thrill, without any consequences. It doesn’t make Ivan lying to me any better—but I’m not entirely without blame, either.

What if it had been someone other than Ivan?My stomach tightens, and I bite my lip. I never intended to meet Venom, before I knew who he was, but Ivan can’t be the only person in the world talented enough to track me down. The odds that someone else could have gotten around my safeguards and found me are slim—but it could have happened. Someone with far worse intentions.

It doesn’t make it right.I cross my arms, looking out of the window, refusing to look back at Ivan. I don’t want to give him another inch. Because the more I let myself believe that there’s more to him than I want to admit, the closer I come to admitting a truth that shouldn’t exist.

I’m still falling for him, despite all of his lies.

Despite everything.

16

IVAN

This woman is slowly killing me.

As the afternoon turns into evening, we find another motel, stop, and sleep. We’re close to Montana, the longest of the stretches before Idaho, and then Vegas. And I find myself dreading when we finally get close to the city.

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