Page 15 of Lost to the Orcs

Without more of an answer, U’snar urges me to turn to leave. I say quickly, “It’s not my place to say this, but I don’t think they’d want you to. Go to the after that is.” I try not to flinch as the hand on the table grips it hard enough to splinter. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

He looks at me, his eyes hard like amber, “Ye’re right,” I nearly smile but he adds, “isnae yer place. What I do ismychoice.”

I stare into his hard eyes, defiance shining in mine. “Yes, but also, that doesn’t mean throw yourself into grief so hard you give up on the life that you have left. You are valued and despite how you have treated me today, I know many would miss you just from stories I have heard. I hope to see you in the mountain.”

“Get out.” He grits.

We leave. Bitterness and sorrow for too many things weighing me down like a building were placed upon both of my shoulders.

CHAPTER NINE: WHO AM I?

When it is finally time for us to rest for the night, I ask, maybe unfairly, if U’snar can hold me. I really, really want to be held. To be reminded that I am alive. That I am real. I wouldn’t have said no to something more. Something that will bring me to another reality but also cement me in the now. But after meeting Irf, I understand why U’snar hasn’t done anything.

It wasn’t anything directly Irf said or did. But it stuck with me all the same.

U’snar is waiting for Jaedason’s approval. They share and he wants to share me with him. For me to be theirs. Any offspring, theirs.

I can definitely give myself to U’snar. A selfish part of me hopes Jaedason refuses me. That U’snar will take me alone. But I know that is wishful thinking. If Jaedason refuses, U’snar will follow. I doubt he’ll kick me out of the tribe or leave me in the middle of nowhere. Likely he’ll try to find me a job or something that will allow me to continue my life in the tribe. I might eventually find myself an Orc. Maybe one that is more Orcish or maybe one that is more human/elf looking. Andeventually I’d have babies. But I don’t think it’d be the same. I can’t stop thinking about golden eyed babies. Black tufts of hair. Pointed ears.

I’m not usually one to think about kids. But with U’snar? I can imagine. They’d be pretty damn cute.

I wonder what Jaedason looks like. Honestly though, it’s really hard to fathom being with brothers. I know U’snar doesn’t think about his brother in any way except reverence. He is his chief. The male who raised him after their Dam died. The Orc in charge who keeps them safe and tries to rescue as many babies as he can.

Which is U’snars main job. To hunt down and find the babies. He was on the way back from one such hunt, to consult with Jaedason on what to do, when he found me. The baby in question; is peach in coloring, with dark olive-green eyes like her father, and more rounded than pointed ears. He must consult with Jaedason to see if the father wishes the babe to be stolen away, as she is accepted by her mother, or if he wishes to leave her with the mom. Even if she would be raised as a ‘lesser’ human. Because although they look like humans, the half Orcs often have it the hardest. It isn’t spoken that they are halflings but it is whispered and they are treated like trash. As if it were their own fault, they were born the way they were.

Which is a bunch of crock; but I’m from a time where it mostly doesn’t matter. Except in some social areas where racist jerks still exist. But otherwise, the world is pretty accepting.

To make matters worse, from Irf’s own hostility, I can tell exactly what I’ll have to look forward to just entering the tribe. I am human. I am a woman. Therefore, like most of the rest, I will reject them. Or allow the novelty but not their progeny. If I somehow do allow their progeny, it would be in secret and left in a forest to be found or left for dead. No skin off my nose. Yada yada.

I snuggle closer to U’snar’s warmth. To the smell of the earth and pine surrounding me like a cocoon.

“I’m so sorry.” My words are a choked whisper. Barely audible to my own ears and muffled in his chest. “I’m so sorry that humans are so cruel. I am so sorry that people woulddosomething so heinous to a baby. Of any kind. These people call you monsters. But who really is?” My tears wet his chest as I hiccup and sob.

His grip on me tightens. Bringing me a smidgen higher. My ear restingagainst his chest. “Not all are monsters. You are no’.”

I choke out a laugh. “Like that means much. I’m not even from here. This isn’t even my body! The girl who owned it was so tired of her life that she gave up!” I shove away to look down at him. My face probably red and splotchy and my nose pink from my rubbing and sniffling. “This isn’t my hair. My face or my eyes.” I point at each offending piece of me. Even though the images from the water told me it was me. It’s not me. This body isn’t mine. “None of it. I don’t even know who I am. You are the literal only person I know more than anyone else in this whole god forsaken world and I have barely scratched the surface!

“My family has been dead for so long and my friends have all moved on. I had no one anyways in that life. But it was stillmine. I had skills to survive. Skills I knew. Here? I can’t find a gods damned mushroom or berry that is proper to eat. I don’t know which way is north. There aretwo fucking moons. It probably makes the tides absolutely fucking terrifying. I wouldn’t swim in it if you paid me.

“But it’s not like it’ll matter because my only skills were living off of a bare minimum or fast food and drawing digitally. And from what little I have seen you guys don’t have light bulbs yet! Let alone a damn computer!”

My chest heaves with every breath. Damning and devastated. I burst further into tears. My sobs wracking my entire body. I hold myself tightly because the rattling of my bones and the wailing sorrow within me will surely shatter me into a million pieces.

When it slows, I notice him wiping away my tears. That our position has changed, with him leaning up on one of his bags, and me straddling his belly. Understanding is in every single movement and action from him. More words bubble up from the tar pit I’ve found myself in. “Without you, who am I? Without you, how can I survive? I don’t want that to be our relationship. I don’t want to rely on you to survive. You are wonderful and amazing and I don’t want to take advantage of you because it is convenient. I want to survive on my own so I don’t feel like I am using you.”

“You are Perfection. Mate an’ mine.” The possession in his voice makes me quiver in my vulnerability. If he tells me not to care. I won’t. If he tells me to be with him and him alone and let him help me survive, in this moment, I will. “I weel teach you t’ survive. T’ hunt,t’ forage. Jaedason weel teach you t’ fight. Far better than I.” My breath catches in my throat. A lesser male would make me rely on him and him alone. A lesser male would take what I’ve offered and control me with my helplessness. But that isn’t my golden eyed Orc.

A small smile adorns my lips as I jest, “What? Are you the best hunter or forager?”

He grins, his large hands cupping my cheeks and stroking them free of any lingering tears, “No. But for now, you weel bear with me. For as you say, I am all you have.”

It should have been ironic but honestly, it just made me feel a little warm and fuzzy. I fall into his arms once more, he slouches more against his pack. “Lordie, I must look a sight.”

“Beau’iful.” He reassures.

“My eyes are all puffy!” I complain with a laugh.

He hums. “Beau’iful.” He kisses my forehead. Adding, “I should have licked youer sorrow away. My saliva can help heal.” His eyes, warm as honey, and twice as hot, sear me with need.

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