Page 10 of White Hole

While searching the skies for it, I received a text from Dan. Opening the message revealed a picture of my youngest brother, Aaron, passed out on the floor of my mom’s apartment. On the coffee table in front of him was various drug paraphernalia and empty liquor bottles. The words beneath the picture said:

Dan

Visited mom tonight…

It was too late in the night to deal with it. Sighing, I flopped on my bed and tried to shut out the thoughts that flooded my mind every night. If I could have just… If only I had… Maybe if I… So many alternate universes I could have created if I’d done things differently. Suppose I had kept my mouth shut. If I took better care of them all. If I hadn’t been born…

* * *

My alarm blared, and I sluggishly rolled over to turn it off. We had a gym in the manor, but I had access to the university’s sports facility from the football coach who heavily recruited me. My brother, Dan, was a superstar baseball player for the Nighthawks and would let me in, even if my ID didn’t work there.

Football was a passion, but I always knew I would have to give it up to care for my family. A division one school would be too far away. And I didn’t want to spend all the extra training time when my mother or brothers would need me. Theta Rho Zeta took up enough of my time.

When I pulled open the locker room door, Dan was already changed for our workout. “Sup. Get my text?”

I nodded. “I’ll stop by.” Right after my gym therapy session.

It was back and biceps day, and I hit the weights hard until my muscles shook, and my T-shirt was soaked with sweat. Half the football team was in there, slapping me on the back or saying hello as they passed. Given my talents, I could have been a walk-on with the team anytime I chose. Some days I thought about it. But I couldn’t. I needed to be available to nurse Aaron back to some sort of shape of a living person again.

Hitting the showers, I changed into fresh clothes as Dan stepped into the locker room. “So, what are you going to do with that bitch today?” My eyes narrowed at him. “G, our mother’s a cunt. You know this. Probably chopped up the pills for Aaron herself.” As a threat, I moved closer to him. “G, come on. You can’t get mad. You know it’s the truth. Dad was right to ditch her sorry ass.”

With a palm on each of his shoulders, I shoved him against the locker. A few guys in the room were afraid to approach us, but came over to try to help. I let Dan slide from my grip. Hurriedly, I finished dressing and grabbed my bag, darting out of the room before I did something stupid.

It was the same shit, and I didn’t want to hear it. Dan never took our mother’s side, and he never stood up for Aaron. Whenever their names were mentioned, he blamed them for all their own problems. Dan didn’t understand. Our mother’s and brother’s issues were because of me. I was responsible for what had happened to them, and I tried every day to make amends for my mistakes.

Jumping intoSerenity, I drove toward the factories on the outskirts of town. Rows of studio apartments had been constructed in the mid-century for the industrial workers. No one had updated them since. Surrounding a rectangular pool filled with rainwater were balconies leading up four stories high. Inside one of the doors on the second story, lived my mother.

Parking far away from the other vehicles so no one would touch mine, I grabbed a bag from the backseat of my truck and headed up the rusted metal stairs. Using my spare key, I opened the door to the smell of pungent human waste, stale cigarettes, and liquor. Marijuana smoke billowed from the room as soon as I stepped inside. It appeared someone was awake already.

Walking straight to the one window, I opened the blinds fully, then let air inside after opening it. My mother was smoking a joint in her chair, staring at the little TV’s squiggly image. Her pink robe was now a faded cream color and more matted than fuzzy. She scowled and cried out when the sunlight streamed over her pale blue eyes. Grabbing her spliff, I stubbed it on the metal window frame, and then tossed it through the open window.

“Hey! I was smoking that!”

“Not anymore.” My brother was passed out on the couch when I leaned over his face, checking for any breathing. Digging around in my bag, I found a naloxone nasal spray. Just in case. I shook Aaron’s shoulders, then rolled him on his back. His chest was rising and falling normally. Watching the steady rhythm flooded me with relief.

Scooping his scant body up in my arms, I carried him to the dirty bathtub and laid him inside. Turning on the cold shower water, he screamed and sat up. “What the fuck, G?!” His hands frantically wiped his face of the wet droplets pouring off his shaggy blond hair.

“Take a shower. You reek.”

Closing the door to the bathroom, I went into the kitchen and washed the dishes in the sink. Going through the cabinets and refrigerator, I saw Aaron had already gone through the groceries I purchased a few days prior, except for a few eggs. A cardboard silo of oatmeal still sat in the back of a cabinet, and the mice hadn’t gotten to it. Two lonely brown bananas sat on the counter. I started on breakfast.

“George. I don’t like you coming here. It’s a waste of time. I don’t need your help. Aaron helps me plenty. Where’s your brother? Dan, that traitor. Probably with his father now, huh? Isn’t that where you should be, too? You’re just like him. Always nosing into other people’s business. Where you don’t belong.” My mother kept talking as she pulled out a cigarette. “Aaron’s all I need. I don’t want you here. What are you doing over there? You messing with my stuff?”

“Here. Eat.” Thrusting a bowl of oatmeal and some eggs at her, she scrunched her face up in disgust.

“I’m not eating that. You probably poisoned it. Just like your father…” But she took it from me and dug in. It had probably been a few days since she ate actual food.

Moving to the coffee table, I scraped all the pipes, cards, razors, syringes (that was new), and pill crushers into a large black plastic bag. Using some disinfectant wipes, I cleaned up the mess. Holding up some pill bottles, I shook them at my mother. “Stop giving these to Aaron. Stop with this shit. I’m calling this doctor.”

She laughed. “Ha! Try. It was from an emergency room. I’ll go back. You havenoidea the pain I’m in. I need those pills. Don’t you dare throw them away,Junior.” I popped my neck. She used the name she knew would get to me.

Aaron came out of the bathroom, rubbing his light blond hair with a towel as I brushed past him, dumped the rest of the pill bottles in the toilet, and flushed.

“Hey, man!” Aaron watched me from the door. Turning around, I snatched his naked arms, inspecting the undersides of each one. Spotting a couple of red dots on his forearms, I shook my head. He yanked out of my grip. “I just needed some help last night.”

“Go eat.” Pouring them both some water, I finished cleaning up the place. Aaron sat on the couch, slowly eating his oatmeal. His face was gaunt, with dark marks settling into each crevice beneath his cheekbones. “When did you start injecting?” His bloodshot eyes met mine briefly before he looked down.

“I just tried it once before.”

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