Page 1 of Liam

Chapter One | Liam

Strings of twinkling overhead lights created a warm glow in the chic converted barn. The space had a romantic ambiance now that it was dark outside. Old, restored greying wooden boards surrounded us. Rugged rafters high above our heads. Tables with tall candelabras atop white tablecloths. Alongside the candles, large floral arrangements of fragrant white flowers and lush foliage in various shades of green. The result was perfection—so Noah. Brody knew him well.

They'd foregone music and any kind of dancing to avoid making Brody uncomfortable. This day was for them both. I was seated at the head table with Noah, Brody, and Jamal, Brody's best man. The food and drink were flowing, and the happy couple had never looked so … well—happy.

Noah and Brody's Wedding had brought out the feels in me. The ceremony had been beautiful and the vows meaningful. What Brody had pulled together to be spoken by the officiant was as stunning as we knew it would be. The opening words, asking us to bear witness to the union, some bits of Christian scripture, the indigenous blessings, the pagan significance of the rings, and the words of binding and commitment had dampened the corners of my eyes.

With the utterance of each word, my heart cracked open, the warm innards peering out, fascinated by what it was witnessing and feeling as I took in everything.

I looked down at my vodka and soda. Surprisingly, today had made me feel things I'd never felt before. Didn't know I was capable of feeling. Never something I imagined I'd holdan increasing need to embrace. I was growing more and more stirred as the evening progressed.

My plate of food stared up at me, the second section barely eaten. I'd started with the green salad, no dressing. Next was the chicken breast I had scrapped the cream sauce from. I'd torn apart and eaten some of it. Not sure why I served myself scalloped potatoes. Too many calories. Not an issue because they were in the third section of food. I rarely made it that far when eating.

My obsession with consuming one food on my plate at a time was something I'd done for as long as I could remember. When I was a teenager, I'd started sorting the foods by calorie count, creating a wheel of food I would eat through as far as I felt my body deserved, depending on how much exercise I accomplished that day. How much running and how long I spent at the gym.

I motioned to one of the attendants circulating to bring me another vodka and soda. I was doing my best to numb the sensation of longing brought on by the wedding. That emotion shouldn’t be there. I didn't do relationships. My shoulders caved. My best friend and the love of his life had created a family that included children. Noah had explained it as a state of bliss.

I was handed my new drink; the empty glass taken away.

The emotion grew stronger. It's possible I ultimately wanted what Noah and Brody had. For now, theSalish Sea Societywere my found family. I didn't anticipate being able to add to that. I loved the guys in our group. Would do anything for them. My loyalty was one of the positive attributes I cherished about myself. Maybe it was possible to feel that way about a one-and-only. Someone who could tear me away from my self-obsession. A massivenegativeattribute.

One person.

One person needed to come into my life. The one who would rein me in and tell me I was good enough. The one who would gently ease me off the destructive path I was on.

I know. I shouldn't expect someone to do that for me. But having someone by my side encouraging me to peel back and discard the bullshit I told myself every day would be a blessing.

I finished the drink that had been set before me mere moments before. My buzz was humming along nicely. Noah leaned against my shoulder and whispered in my ear.

"How many is that now?"

I shoved my chair back, prepared to stand. "One in a string of many more."

Noah sighed but didn't comment further. He went back to talking with Brody. I made my way from behind the table and headed for the guest seating area. There were five tables of four people each. It was nice that the wedding was small. I headed for my friends—and my date.

With Ethan, Daniel, and Owen sat Charlie. Or Charlotte to be exact. Charlie was decked out in full drag as Charlotte Dubois. He'd insisted, saying every gay wedding needed a drag queen in attendance. I didn't disagree in principle, but I would have appreciated a say in the matter.

Charlie was bull-headed. One of the growing number of things that irked me about him. We'd somehow fallen intosomethingwhen our hookups had begun to include sleepovers. And the sleepovers had become more regular. Now, he stayed overnight at my place more nights than not.

To be clear though, we weren't boyfriends. If anything, we were fuck buddies with sleepover benefits. Trying anything more would rouse the fear I had in me. Even if Charlie wasthe guyfor me, the commitment and responsibility of a long-term relationship terrified me. There's no way I wouldn't screw itup. I'd turned myself into a sexual creature—not a devoted loving one.

"Are you doing all right?" I stood beside Charlie's chair and crossed my arms.

"Wasn't what I was expecting when you asked me to come with you."

"You knew I was in the wedding party."

"Hadn't planned on being ignored."

"I'm here now, aren't I?" I swear, my eye twitched. "Can I get you another drink?"

"One of us has to be able to drive home." He stared up at me. "And as usual, it won't be you."

"It's a wedding. I'm allowed to drink."

Ethan saved me from what was about to turn into an all-out brawl. "We're discussing marriage. Owen obviously wants to find a husband, but Daniel and I aren't into the whole heteronormative feel of the thing. We don't need the public vows and legal documents. Where do you stand, Liam?"

"You know where I stand. I like to fuck around."

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