Page 61 of Substitute for Love

“Do they have the money to help you?” she asked.

He folded his arms and nodded quietly. “Well, yeah. Plenty.”

“So it sounds like they are the perfect candidates. But you don’t feel like you deserve it.” Avery said it as a statement, realizing the truth of it as the words came out of her mouth. That Gabe was similar to Avery. He was fumbling through adulthood and relationships and everything else as she had been.

Gabe took a big breath, as if agreeing with her.

“But youdodeserve it,” she said. “You deserve everything good in life.” She wanted so much to put her hand on his shoulder or back, give him a reassuring pat or rub. It took everything in her not to. Always, Avery wanted to make people feel better. Her mom, Claire, Marshall, and now Gabe.

Was it love? Or was it the desire to help another person? Maybe both. Or two different types of love.

Who was she kidding? Of course she had romantic feelings toward him. She had since she first met him. That’s the real reason she had kissed him in the parking lot earlier. No matter how much she denied it, she was totally into him.

But the timing was off. She decided to hold back her affection, caring, yearning, gestures, which might lead him on. Not because she didn’t want to comfort Gabe—it wasn’t that. It was because for the first time, she was thinking of herself.I could so easily fall head over heels for this guy. But he’s goingto leave, and then what? Would he even want to return? I need to protect my feelings for once.

“So, say it with me. ‘I, Gabe Talon Manwaring, deserve to go on this archeological expedition.’”

Gabe looked at her with puppy-dog eyes, an embarrassed sort of happiness that melted her heart. But she remained strong.

“I…” Avery started.

Gabe joined her with the rest. “Gabe Talon Manwaring, deserve to go on this archeological expedition.” He nodded and offered a hopeful smile, like maybe he believed in the statement, at least a little bit.

Like a substitute teacher, Avery coached him, willing him to believe in himself. “Gabe, you got this. No script. Speak from the heart. Your parents will understand.”

His face brightened. He picked up his phone and tapped the screen a few times and put it up to his ear. With his other hand, he tapped on the table nervously.

“Mom, hey. Can you put it on speaker? I want to talk to you and Dad. No, nothing’s wrong.” He looked at Avery, then cleared his throat. “I have something really exciting to talk to you about.”

Gabe stood and paced around the kitchen, then the living room, back into the kitchen, and up and down the hallway, going on and on about the expedition, the same animated old Gabe she had seen in the classroom. She only caught bits and pieces of his side of the conversation. His voice was softer than usual, either because of his relationship with his parents or that he was asking them to fund his trip. Still, she was proud of him.

“Yeah, so, I was wondering if you could help me out so I can go. I’m going to send you an email with all the details. It would be four months to start, with possible extension if the dig goeswell. Especially if we find significant pieces. Oh, I see. Okay. Oh, really? That’s great.”

He was silent for a while, listening to whatever his parents were saying, not smiling or frowning. The suspense was killing her. He kept pacing around the apartment.

Should she be excited for him to leave? Or to stay?

If he left, there would be no dating, obviously. He’d be gone for at least four months, and he might not come back. And maybe his project would lead him somewhere else. Not like there was anything tying him to Phoenix. Either way, she wouldn’t have to even decide what she wanted in the foreseeable future. Simple. Easy.

But, if he stayed, and they both kept subbing, she’d see him. And even though she kept telling herself dating him wasn’t a good idea, it was hard not to want to. At some point she’d probably give in, knowing herself.

What she really needed to do was clear things up with Claire. She hadn’t seen her since the night Gabe and Avery kissed in his truck, and Claire had given her a ride home.

Then there was the issue of Marshall coming into town on Saturday. Avery had no idea what to expect. Maybe he’d beg for her to come back. Maybe he’d pay her back all the money she’d spent on him. Maybe he’d tell her it was really over and he was the one who was going to break up, even though Avery already had, though she wondered if he hadn’t accepted it yet. None of those options would surprise her.

She picked up the pen Gabe had left on the table, tapping it against the blank notebook page. She was here to help him, but really she needed help of her own. Too many “what ifs” were floating around in her head, tangling themselves together and causing her anxious brain to come up with a million scenarios.

Gabe walked back into the kitchen, his face still placid. “Um yeah, let me know.”

He pulled the phone away from his face and tapped the screen. Letting out a big sigh, he placed his phone on the table. Avery dropped the pen. Her heart beat fast at the possible outcomes. Until now, she hadn’t truly considered what Gabe wanted. Of course he wanted to go on this expedition. He had wanted it for years and years, and this could be the moment of decision.

Did he even want to date her, or was she conveniently in front of him? Her heart dipped a little. If she was being honest with herself, Gabe could get any girl he wanted. If he left, maybe he wanted to go without being tied down in a relationship. The thought crushed her.

Finally, they locked eyes, Gabe standing across the table from where she sat. He stood there, not saying anything.

“So?” Avery asked, throwing her hands in the air. His answer could either rule out her anxiety or make her have to choose how to untangle her feelings.

Gabe pursed his lips, as if delaying his emotions as much as possible. “They said,” He paused and she leaned forward. “Mayyyyybe.”

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