Page 75 of The Woman Left Behind

She slowly made her way to the kitchen and stowed the meals in the freezer compartment of her refrigerator. If her fridge had been mostly empty, the freezer was worse, containing only a half-eaten carton of ice cream and three Popsicles. Normally she had a frozen pizza or a microwave dinner in there, but Terisa had been right about her food situation being pitiful. “These look great,” she said, and meant it. She felt the stirring of an appetite. “Have the two of you had dinner yet? We can order in a pizza or—”

“Already handled that,” Snake said. “The other guys are bringing food. If you don’t feel up to having all of us around, say so, because otherwise we’re taking over.”

What she felt was taken aback, and, no, she didn’t want a bunch of people around, but she didn’t say so. Sending them away after they brought food would require a level of rudeness she couldn’t muster. “As long as no one expects great conversation from me,” she said. “I took my last pain pill a little while ago, so I’m a tad fuzzy.”

“Your last one? I can get you some more,” Snake said, frowning at her.

“No, I have more, I meant that’s the last one I’m going to take. I can’t drive while I’m taking them.”

“You don’t have to drive. One of us can take you anywhere you need to go. If you’re in pain, take the damn pills.”

“Maybe at night, so I can sleep,” she said, though she had no intention of doing so.

One by one the guys showed up, all of them bringing something: doughnuts, a bakery pie, chips and dip. Boom and Terisa also arrived sans kids, so evidently they’d all agreed not to overtax her with little people running around, climbing on her, and maybe stepping on her feet. Levi was last to arrive, laden with four large pizzas. Jina hadn’t been particularly hungry, but the smell of the pizzas made her mouth water.

She could handle being around Levi more easily when there was a crowd. After all, she’d spent the last year trying to mostly ignore him, except on team matters. She hadn’t succeeded, but she’d tried. Ignoring meant not paying attention to him, and no matter what she was always acutely aware of his presence. That held true now; she could mostly keep her focus on the others, but he was like a big, bright thermal signature on Tweety’s infrared camera, front and center in her awareness.

“I checked for an update on the guys,” Levi said when they were all crammed into her small living room. There weren’t enough chairs for everyone, so Jelly and Snake had settled on the floor, with Snake leaning against Ailani’s legs. Somehow Levi had ended up sitting closest to Jina, though at least she was in a chair by herself instead of on the couch. Everyone’s attention turned to him. “Voodoo is better, they may get him up on his feet tomorrow. Crutch is still critical, but holding his own.” His mouth was a grim line. He knew, they all knew, that the likelihood of either of them being able to return was very slim, and that was if Crutch survived at all.

Jina was braced for a rehash of the mission, but perhaps because of Terisa’s and Ailani’s presence the men avoided the subject. Whatever the reason, she was glad for it. Other than for debriefing, she hadn’t deliberately thought about any of it. That didn’t mean she could avoid thinking about it, but she didn’t go out of her way to relive it. Once had been enough.

She was mostly quiet while everyone else talked, but gradually she realized that despite her initial reluctance, she was grateful they were there. The team had been a huge part of her life for the past year, almost completely taking her over, and abruptly being cut off from them had felt... wrong. She’d halfway expected them to carry on as if she’d never been assigned to them, out of sight out of mind, but instead they were making an effort to keep her included. After all, her wounds were relatively minor; they expected her to rejoin them after her feet healed.

The only problem was, she didn’t know if she could.

Twenty-Three

Over the next week, she was pretty much house bound, but there was no need to go anywhere. The guys were dropping food by every day. Terisa or Ailani called every day to check on her, see if she needed anything other than food. Levi was mostly keeping his distance, unless someone else was there, which suited her fine. She needed the solitude to get settled back into herself.

Gradually the sense of disconnect faded, except with Levi.

He’d left her behind.

If he hadn’t kissed her—but he had.

If he hadn’t protected her and made her feel wanted even when they couldn’t be together—but he had.

Despite everything, she’d felt as if someday the status quo would change and they’d be together, that no matter how frustrating and hurtful it was to put barriers in place between them there would come a time when the barriers weren’t needed. Now, she couldn’t let herself believe that he felt the same at all, because he’d left her. The attraction that had so consumed her must not have been as strong for him. She tried to put herself in the same position, and couldn’t imagine that she would ever leave him behind, not knowing for certain whether he was dead or not.

Maybe she was wrong about that. She’d never had to make that decision. That was the problem; because she didn’t know, her heart couldn’t accept what he’d done.

The days rocked on, became a week, two weeks.

She healed. Her feet weren’t in pretty shape, but the swelling was down and she needed only bandaging around her heels and over her toes. Flip flops were out, because she couldn’t get the thong between her toes, but she could tolerate the mule style of bedroom slippers, which Ailani thought of and brought to her so she wouldn’t have to wear the moose head slippers. Jina thought she might be recovering, mentally, because she was amused at the idea that, if any of the guys had injured their feet in the same way she had, they’d be wearing fuzzy mules, too.

For the most part, though, she wasn’t amused. She watched TV. She read. She puttered around doing small chores, getting her kitchen organized, doing some online shopping for a new bedspread and shams. She’d devoted herself to GO-Team stuff for over a year now, and she wanted to do feminine stuff, get back the part of herself that had been put on the back burner while she dealt with the intensity of training and being a part of the team.

The daily updates said Crutch was finally improving, enough to be moved out of critical care. Voodoo was transferred to Walter Reed, and in another couple of weeks he was scheduled to begin therapy.

She could drive now, so she visited him almost every day. So did the rest of the team, but they were back to the normal training schedule and came at the end of the day; she didn’t run into them at the hospital. Because of training her contact with them now was mostly texts, asking if she needed anything, but given that she could drive again she was handling everything herself.

She graduated from bandages to Band-Aids, and was able to walk normally. She tried on her sneakers every day to see if she could tolerate them, and one day she could. She was mostly back to normal—whatever normal was.

The day she was released to resume training, Jina knew she couldn’t stay in stasis any longer. Getting herself back to top level would be an effort.

If shewantedto get back to top level.

That was the sticking point, the idea that circled around and around her brain, night and day. She’d never quit on anything. If she’d been a quitter, she wouldn’t have made it out of the desert alive. Nevertheless, the idea of rejoining the team almost made her sick.

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