Page 64 of Adrift

Oh.

No, wait. ItisKieran.

For a second, I didn’t recognise him, because I’ve never seen him like this before.

Kieran looks like a ghost of himself—pale, drawn, worried. Even his bright pink hair is flattened against his head, and he’s drawn himself in, hands tucked in his pockets, shoulders slumped.

He knows that I know.

“Come in,” I tell him, my voice hoarse. I clear my throat and tug the door open, leaving it for him to step through as I turn and make my way to the sofa.

A sofa I picked out to be comfortable for me to lie down on, cuddling with Kieran after a long day of work.

My jaw is tight. It’s all I can do not to grind my teeth together as I sit carefully on one side, watching Kieran take off his shoes and follow me.

Kieran pauses, looking between me and the couch. He finally takes a seat on the other side. I don’t think he’s ever deliberately put so much space between us.

Not even in bed that first night.

And with that thought, the next one comes straight out of my mouth.

“What the hell were you thinking?”

Kieran doesn’t even try to defend himself. He just hangs his head and waits, so I keep on talking.

“It’s not like you forgot you were gonna have to leave the goddamn country. You knew from the start.” My voice is sharpand raw with pain, and I fold my arms tightly. “You just decided not to tell me, right?”

Kieran nods. He bites his lip and slowly looks up at me, but he’s not saying anything yet.

Then my real fear comes spilling out of my mouth.

“You’ve been leading me on every step of the way.”

At last, Kieran’s eyes widen, and his lips part. His cheeks flush as if indignant, and he works his jaw around.

It’s true, and we both know it.

“You invited me into your home. You invited me to ask you out on a date. You fucking invited me to ask you to make it official. You did everything you could to win me over, and you never breathed a word of what was coming. It’s hard not to feel… used.”

The last word hurts, but I force it out of my mouth anyway. The shame of it—the frustration, the fears, all of it—is contained in that single syllable.

Kieran flinches abruptly and twists his hands together. His eyes shine with tears, and he swallows hard, staring at the ceiling for a moment. He’s finally ready to speak when he looks back at me, so I hold back and wait.

“I—I guess you’re right,” he whispers, his voice hoarse. “I did. I knew all along that I should say something. But I—I never meant to hurt you. I never wanted that at all, Gage.”

I believe him. He’s never been able to hide the truth from me—with sunshine or rain.

But my head is a mess, and I still don’t know where that leaves us.

“So…” I trail off, lifting my shoulders slightly at him. For once, I need to straight-up ask the question so I can get a straight-up answer. “Why?”

Kieran swallows a few times. Then he turns on the couch, resting his elbow against the back of the couch as he pulls hisfeet up next to him. “I was freaking out. I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to leave.”

I mean, it doesn’t explain all the secrecy, but I could have guessed that.

Kieran swallows hard. “The moment I got out of Ireland, I… I didn’t want to look back. Two years sounded like it was forever away, enough time to figure out another plan. But time flies, I guess…”

“And then you’re about to hand in your notice and you meet me.”

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