Page 107 of Hockey Boy

“No.”

Her blue eyes cloud with confusion and disbelief. “What?”

I huff out a breath, garnering my courage. It’s time to lay it out there. “Not after.Before.I told her it was over. That I couldn’t give her my heart when it still belonged to someone else.”

“Aiden,” she whispers, bringing a hand to her heart.

“You’ve had it since we were fourteen, Lex. Whether you wanted it or not, my heart’s always been yours. I’m not jealous of Vincent Lukov. I couldn’t give a fuck about him or Jill.” I cup her jaw, brush at the lone tear that slips down her cheek. “I’ve been miserable since the day you walked out of my life without telling me why. Don’t pretend you don’t know it. You may not want me the way I want you, and that’s okay. I’m okay with our situation. I’ve made peace with it. But don’t pick a fight with me over someone who doesn’t matter. Don’t play dumb. We both know where we stand. Me on my knees,alwaysworshiping you.”

“You’re rewriting history,” she hisses, backing out of my hold. Then louder, angrier, she adds, “You haven’t been miserable for the last decade. I’ve seen you, Aiden. You dated. You’re going to be in the freaking hall of fame.Yougot engaged.”

“Isurvived,” I yell, my voice far too loud, the agony that’s plagued me for a decade coursing through my veins. “I put one foot in front of the other. What choice did I have?” I point to her chest. “You left.”

“Yes,” she hisses. “I left. I had to. Because you threatened to follow me.”

All the air leaves me. Mouth agape, I can do nothing but stare at her. “I what?”

With a deep inhale, she turns and shuffles toward the window. “You don’t remember?” She glances over her shoulder but doesn’t wait for my response. “I didn’t know what the hell I wanted from my life. Obviously, since I still don’t. But back then? God, my parents were on meevery day. They had all these plans for me. You had plans for me?—”

My heart cracks open. Fuck. To be lumped in with her parents? It’s like a knife to the chest.

She turns back, her expression softer. “I wanted our plans. But I was eighteen, and I wanted to experience life too.”

“You ended it because you wanted to experienceotherthings?”

Other people.That’s the first thing that comes to mind. She wanted to see what else was out there. I figured as much. It’s what my friends all told me I should do when they found out I was still hung up on Lennox years later.

“No. I wanted to experience life, period. You were so secure in your knowledge of what you wanted. It made me feel lost. So when my grandmother suggested the gap year, it seemed like the answer.”

“But why couldn’t we do long distance?” Desperation pricks at me. The years I spent wondering, questioning myself, bleed into my every word. “Why couldn’t you travel, figure out what you wanted, while I worked to get tothe NHL? Why did you just leave me behind and act like our time together meant nothing to you?” Emotion stings behind my eyes. My chest is flayed open for her to see. “LikeImeant nothing to you.”

Blue eyes sparkle, full of tears, and regret laces her words. “You meanteverythingto me, Aiden. You meant so much that I broke my own heart and gave up my dream to make sure that you didn’t give up on yours.”

My exposed heart sinks. I’m empty. Lost. “What are you talking about?”

“You called me after I told you I was going to Europe.”

“No.” I drop my head and give it a shake. “I didn’t. You said shamrock, and I respected the pact.”

She huffs out a watery laugh. “That wasn’t the pact. We agreed that if one of us said shamrock, then we’d go back to being friends.Nothing changed.Thatwas the pact.”

I throw my hands out, aggravation getting the best of me. “I was eighteen and pissed off that my girlfriend dumped me for no reason. I’m sorry. I was an asshole.” I suck in a breath, trying to rein in my emotions. “Why did you say shamrock?Whydid you end it?”

I plead for the truth. Desperate to understand. Because I want this. I want us. But I don’t know that we can ever truly make it if I don’t get these answers.

“You called me,” she says, her mouth turned down. “You were drunk and sad because I’d told you I was going to Europe instead of joining you at school. You’d already left for training camp. I told you I wasn’t coming. That Iwas going to Europe.”

My heart stutters at the vague, blurry memory. “Yeah, I remember.”

She runs her hands through her hair, parting it to the side. “You said you would leave camp the next day. That you’d come back and spend the rest of the summer with me. That you’d take a gap year too.”

Lips pursed, I study her sincere expression, the crease between her brows. She doesn’t look like she’s making this up, but that’s ridiculous. I couldn’t do that. I’d have lost my spot on the team.

She points at my face, drawing her finger in a circle. “See? You get it now. You were willing to throw away your career because you loved me. And I loved you too much to allow you to do that.”

With my hands on my head, I tip it back and blink up at the ceiling.Fuck. She’s right. I would have done it. I was so head-over-heels in love with her that I would have done anything for just a little more time with her. Hell, I still would. Look at me, planning a wedding so I can spend time with her, conning her into agreeing to marry me in the hopes that she’ll fall for me in the process, cloning her damn phone so I can read along with her because I miss her when we’re apart. It’s not rational. I’m downright insane when it comes to her.

“I was miserable without you,” I say. That’s the simple truth. I straighten and exhale. “I played like shit for months. Didn’t talk to anyone. Hell, it took me two years to go on a date.”

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